Finding it hard.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by GoldenPsych, Mar 19, 2011.

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  1. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    I'm really struggling today.

    All this shit that is going on is throwing me off. I am having really disturbed thinking and my thought processes are all screwed up. I am thinking things that is just irrational and doing things or not doing them that I know are bad yet I can't help thinking I am useless at not doing it yet I shoudn't be.

    One of my things is when things are going bad and I feel like I am losing control I stop eating. It's not like I have a ED or anything. I am overweight and not saying that in a disordered way (but then if I was I would probably say that also...but trust me here) so could do with losing a few stone. But I have not eaten since Wednesday lunch time. I wasn't even hungry today. But I ate. Now part of me (the perfectly sane part) thinks well you are stupid even doing it as you know that if you want to lose weight you actually need to eat a well balanced diet. The slightly mad part of me thinks well, you failed at that as well. You can't even control something as simple as that and you fail.

    Irrational, messed up thought processes. What joy.

    It wasn't about losing weight. It was about control. Being able to control something in my life when everything else is being pulled out from under me. I don't know where I stand with things. It is my way of dealing with the situation at the moment.

    In all of this. I still feel depressed and suicidal. I want to do the course. I want to suceed in it. But, there is still part of me that wants to die. For everything to be over. It's a constant battle. Even more so at the moment as I am trying so hard to shut this other me up.

    I don't know who I can turn to anymore.

    Is it still appropriate for me to be seeing Sam when I am trying to get other professionals to stop her decision. I am not sure if I can be honest anymore. Especially so if I am able to carry on with what I am doing as I will be terrified. If not then do I carry some resentment towards her, even though I know she is just doing her job. How can I ever be honest with anyone ever again.

    This then worries me as I think what about me? I wonder what will happen now I haven't got that support network in place. Well I have but it's pointless if I a not going to use it.
  2. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    even if you don't keep seeing sam (and i can understand why you wouldn't, as trust has been broken), i think you need to see someone. self harm and suicidal ideation doesn't happen in a vacuum. it's time to heal those emotional wounds. you can be well again. i believe in you.
  3. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    I'm proper freaking now. I sent Sam an email ages ago with blog extracts as she asked for some stuff I'd written. I didn't realise that if you just copied what I had written and put it in google it would come up. Crap! It was as a word doc so it's not even as though she would have to type it in. Crap. I may have to move my blog or something. If anyone I knew was the read that then I don't stand a chance with this whole fight thing. I may as well give up now!
  4. Jenny

    Jenny Staff Alumni


    I'm sorry to hear what's happened with Sam etc. I can totally understand how you'd find it difficult now to trust her.. when are you due to see her again? I wonder if you could tell her your concerns about trusting her from now on? And either work through it together, or see if there's anyone else she can refer you to?

    I'm not sure about blog things but I guess that even if you move your blog to another location it would still be visible if someone typed some of the content in to google? Do you think Sam would have done that?

    I hope things improve for you soon
    Jenny x
  5. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    I don't know it's a possibility. I don't want to delete what I have written but at the same time what I have written on there about my feelings is brutally honest and could get me sectioned! Lol. Maybe not, but it has gone through my mind. I will see how plays out at my next appointment with her on Wednesday.
  6. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    it would be a shame if you took your blog down, esp. since i just started mine up again and added you to my blogroll. :)

    hope it goes well on wed. i'll be thinking of you.
  7. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    It's hard with my thought processes being so irrational and all over the place. It's harder knowing that they are. Part of me thinks well, why should I bother as I was honest and it has made things worse for me and on that basis I can't trust you and can't deal with counselling. The other part thinks, well, I know if you felt there were concerns you had to make them known, I would have done the same if I had concerns.

    I am having so many irrational thoughts at the moment. My thought processes are just not adding up. I don't know what is better, knowing they are irrational and having to correct myself all the time and thinking extra hard about anything I do. Or not knowing and just living life as I think.

    Does that make sense?
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