I'm really struggling today. All this shit that is going on is throwing me off. I am having really disturbed thinking and my thought processes are all screwed up. I am thinking things that is just irrational and doing things or not doing them that I know are bad yet I can't help thinking I am useless at not doing it yet I shoudn't be. One of my things is when things are going bad and I feel like I am losing control I stop eating. It's not like I have a ED or anything. I am overweight and not saying that in a disordered way (but then if I was I would probably say that also...but trust me here) so could do with losing a few stone. But I have not eaten since Wednesday lunch time. I wasn't even hungry today. But I ate. Now part of me (the perfectly sane part) thinks well you are stupid even doing it as you know that if you want to lose weight you actually need to eat a well balanced diet. The slightly mad part of me thinks well, you failed at that as well. You can't even control something as simple as that and you fail. Irrational, messed up thought processes. What joy. It wasn't about losing weight. It was about control. Being able to control something in my life when everything else is being pulled out from under me. I don't know where I stand with things. It is my way of dealing with the situation at the moment. In all of this. I still feel depressed and suicidal. I want to do the course. I want to suceed in it. But, there is still part of me that wants to die. For everything to be over. It's a constant battle. Even more so at the moment as I am trying so hard to shut this other me up. I don't know who I can turn to anymore. Is it still appropriate for me to be seeing Sam when I am trying to get other professionals to stop her decision. I am not sure if I can be honest anymore. Especially so if I am able to carry on with what I am doing as I will be terrified. If not then do I carry some resentment towards her, even though I know she is just doing her job. How can I ever be honest with anyone ever again. This then worries me as I think what about me? I wonder what will happen now I haven't got that support network in place. Well I have but it's pointless if I a not going to use it.