Finding It Harder Everyday

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Free Falling, May 27, 2008.

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  1. Free Falling

    Free Falling Member

    I am a 23 year old guy living in England who has contemplated suicide a couple of times in the past.
    Things just seem to build up and my feelings get on top of me. I think I have depression but have never seen a doctor about it. Everything in life seems to go wrong for me and I think the easiest way out is to disappear.

    I am not in trouble with the law and don't have money problems but am stuck in a hole I can't get out of - I hate myself. Two distant relatives have committed suicide and someone I went to school with took his own life too. His family wrote a book about the ordeal which I read and it didn't make me feel any different. Obviously if I do something then I understand how painful it is going to be for those left behind... that at the moment is the only thing stopping me.

    I am taking one day at a time but I don't know how long I can keep fighting this.
  2. unbearable

    unbearable Well-Known Member

    :hug: Do you know what it is thats making you depressed, what is it in your life that you would like to change?

    Stay strong xxx
  3. Free Falling

    Free Falling Member

    Yes I do know. There are lots of little things, probably too many to list actually.

    But the two main ones are my family (I don't get on with them although I am still living at home) and the other thing is my lack of confidence.

    The confidence problem is one I have had for a while. I was so confident all the way up to about 16 years old and then like a switch overnight I lost it all. I went to college for 2 years which I coped with and worked full time until last December. Things improved when I went travelling for a couple of months and came back a new person but after being home a month it has all gone again and I have none. Some big things are happening in my life over the next couple of weeks and I don't think I can cope. I really don't want to carry on and as pathetic as it sounds I am looking for the easy way out.

    If it wasn't for peoples feelings I would have done something a long time ago.
  4. unbearable

    unbearable Well-Known Member

    you say you feel worse when you go back home?, Remember you wont be there forever. yes they are your family and im sure you love each other but that doesnt mean they always make you happy, can you try breaking away and going and doing something you want to do, its your life and you say who you do and dont want in it or what you do and dont do.
    Like i said you wont be there forever and ending your life is permanent and this time is a small section of the natural time you have left. if you liked traveling could you do a job that involves traveling around?

    As for the confidence I relate a lot, im nearly 23 as well and my confidence is so bad I have social phobia so im sorry i cant really give much in the way of advice but I understand. is there anyone you can speak to professionally or some confidence building classes you can attend?

    mia xx
  5. Free Falling

    Free Falling Member

    Hi Mia,

    I can't really go and travel again as I am meant to be starting a new job on Monday (2nd June). When I got the job a couple of weeks ago I was really excited about it and felt happy but now I am not looking forward to it.
    I am trying to move out and get my own place but nowhere will let me as they want 3 months worth of paycheques as proof of earnings and I don't have them yet so it will be at least 4 months before I can get out of here.

    As for the confidence thing I thought I had sorted it whilst I was on the other side of the world, I didn't have a problem with it and was fine. Now I am back it's all going and because of an incident last weekend the last little bit I did have has been wiped out.

    I don't think I have Social Phobia although it has crossed my mind. I think I have and can do what some famous people have/do. You know when they are on stage they are all extrovert and are mega confident and then off stage they are a trembling wreck, well that sums me up apart from I don't tremble.

    As for speaking to someone, a friend of mine who knows how unhappy I am thinks I should see a doctor. They don't know I have thought about suicide and I won't be telling them as it may worry them.
  6. unbearable

    unbearable Well-Known Member

    can you try and concentrate on doing the job and getting those pay cheques and focus on the fact you are going to get a better life, so it will be worth it and that time will pass and you can start your new life.

    whats made you not look forward to this job you where excited about? is it the confidence because they hired you so they see you are capable or is it having to meet those new people?

    As for the extrovert exterior, you are over compensating for the lack of confidence by the sounds of it. maybe you should reconsider telling that friend, i know you don't want to worry them but you need support you are worth that and im sure if they cared about you enough to worry than they wouldn't want you to go through these thoughts alone, maybe seeing a doctor is a good idea.

  7. Free Falling

    Free Falling Member

    I could concentrate on the job and I am working towards that. Meeting them all doesn't bother me so much as I have met most of them already (it's a small company) although I have to go in later this week for a meeting where I will be introduced... I will try and use my extrovertness for that.

    There are lots of things which have made me unhappy and I am stuck between a rock and a hard place at the moment. I don't want to go into details on here about that but everything couldn't have happened at a worse time for me :( It is also unrelated from the confidence issue which makes it even more difficult to deal with.

    I might give a doctor a call in a week if I still feel the same. Surely they could give me something to make me happier and more confident? Alcohol works but going to work tipsy isn't really a good idea plus I don't tend to drink!
  8. peacegirl

    peacegirl Well-Known Member

    Freefall, you said you hate yourself. What is it about yourself that you hate so much? That could be the crux of your depression, for how can anyone be happy in life if he loaths himself to the point of thinking about suicide. :sad:
  9. Free Falling

    Free Falling Member

    I hate myself because I am always unhappy, I have no confidence and no-one appreciates me. Feels like I was born into the wrong family.

    I just want my life to be easy for a change as it's been a constant struggle all these years. Things build up (like this weekend for example) and out of nowhere I feel I need to do something about it.

    The feelings do die down though, just at the moment I don't see them going away.
  10. peacegirl

    peacegirl Well-Known Member

    You said something very very important FreeFalling and that is feelings comes and go. To base a decision such as suicide on a temporary feeling is premature. Please remember that nothing stays the same except for the truth, and the truth is gentle. If you feel bad about yourself, then something is askew with your feelings about the truth. It is a warning to you that something is amiss in your analysis of yourself and of life, for pain is not part of god's intention. We must review our lives to see where the wound is, in order to prevent it from festering. Then, life will be wonderful for us and for all those who are depending on us to fix things. We are the stewards of the next generation. We have so much to do; don't cut off this important mission, for then what will the children of tomorrow be left with except a repeat of the same? This is not a legacy we want to leave, is it? Our mission is to prove that love is all there is in spite of what we see on the surface.
  11. Free Falling

    Free Falling Member

    I know but the feelings come back so often. I have the guts to do it but at the moment not the courage to upset those around me. Especially so soon to a family event (a sibling getting married within the next week) so it would be so selfish for me to anything so soon.

    I think I need to try and put on a brave face and fight my problems head on. Easier said than done!
  12. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    1st thing... you need to go to the doctor about your feelings. He may be a massive help in getting you what you need. He may give you pills which will lift your mood enough so that you can do things so that you can gain some of your confidence back.

    What has changed, why aren't you looking forawrd to your job anymore?
  13. Free Falling

    Free Falling Member

    I am going to give the doctor a call in a week as I want to try and get back on track without the help of pills.

    As for the job, I am not sure. When I got the job (had 3 interviews for it) I was buzzing as I had just got back from my travels. Had loads of confidence and was on top of the world looking for a new start. The last two weeks I seem to have gone downhill, been stuck in the house and something happened at the weekend which took that last little bit of confidence I had away. I had only got it back a few months ago and now it's vanished. As stupid as it sounds I compare it to a rechargeable battery. It runs down and takes a while to build back up again.
    I think I am just scared of being in a new environment as I have gone back to how I was a couple of years ago - shy and not wanting to be noticed.

    Thanks to people in this thread, I feel better for talking about my problems. Sadly I have very few friends and don't talk to my family at the moment so I can't confide in anyone other than people on here.
  14. peacegirl

    peacegirl Well-Known Member

    That's the danger FreeFalling, that we would give in to a total lie. Please please please hold on. When you realize that much of our belief system is based on an untruth (not anyone's fault but just what comes through our impressions), you will give yourself a break. If you can just do that, you will be on your way to health. Please do that, just give yourself a break and see what happens. I'm here for your as I hope you will be here for me. :)
  15. Free Falling

    Free Falling Member

    Don't worry, I will hold on. I never do things without thinking them through and if I were to do it I am sure it would be down to a lot of thought.

    Thank you for your help, it's good to know there are people out there willing to listen to my problems and who understand what I am going through.
  16. Poirot

    Poirot Guest

    hi i feel like your self. very depressed, and was think of travelling like you did. did you go alone? and how did you feel good all the time while you out there?
  17. Free Falling

    Free Falling Member

    Hi Poirot,

    Yes I went alone, I always go on holiday alone too as I have very few friends. I went to a country where I was on a tour bus (with lots of young people) and found after a couple of weeks I had gained so much confidence etc.
    I felt fine the whole time I was there, it was only a couple of weeks after I got back (I was away for 2 months) that I started to feel low again.
  18. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    It may be something to do with you having got back from travelling and you miss it. I was like it when I got back from 10months travelling round the world. It is to be expected.

    Hope you get on ok at the doc xxx
  19. Poirot

    Poirot Guest

    thanks. im so sorry to hijack your thread but have you got any links i could look at where i could see these tours? i need to do this too and see if it helps me and i dont know where to start. ive goodles it but id rather i reccomendation
  20. Free Falling

    Free Falling Member

    It's cool :)
    I did this:

    Had the time of my life but was one of the older ones on the trip at 23 years old. Everyone seemed to be 18-21ish. I don't know how old you are but if you are over 25 I would go with these: or
    I had a great time on the Kiwi XP but if I was to do it again I would do it with the last two companies.

    Hope this helps :)
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