i found one of my blades yesterday under the skirting board in my room. i forgot it was there, i used it so long ago. i haven't cut since like, october, and i know i'm doing really well, but i'd gotten rid of all the blades i knew of - i think that's what helped a lot. just finding this one triggered me. i didn't want to cut before i found it, but just because it was there, i felt like cutting really deep. this may sound strange, but i just kept thinking, if i cut really deep with an old blade, maybe i'll get an infection and die... i know that's not good, and i didn't cut, but it took a lot of sitting there and staring at it, trying to convince myself not to do it. i still have it though. i don't know what's brought this on, especially thinking i could use it to kill myself in that way - that's a first. maybe i deserve the pain. i mean, it's got to hurt right? having an infection like you get from rusty metal... tetanus i think. i'm not sure how that works. i've not been feeling great, but i just put it down to the disappointment that i get when the new year turns out not to be any different to the previous year. maybe it was a one off. i should really get rid of the blade, i know. i just don't think i can at the moment.