I have struggled with my decision to take own life. I know I will find peace, I know that the suffering and dignity which has been stripped from me will now end, but there is the other side; the paradox of suicide is the affect on others. My family will be hurt by such a decision, even if we hardly talk, there is always the unspoken love; the memories, the guilt (an unfair burden really) and hurt that they might assume if I am gone. I will definitely write a very long and detailed note to attempt to minimize these emotions, but it will always leave an empty mark on them, many questions unanswered and most of all disbelief...it is what it is, and I know it is impossible to avoid this reality even though it is not my intention. Then there is God. I believe in God and i have been told that suicide is the straight line to hell. I tend to differ, believing that God knows who I am and how I feel, furthermore he (or she) realizes that others have caused the pain that I carry; others have essentially killed me even if I the one making the last decision. This is how I feel, it is what I believe. Those who have put my in a situation in which I have no options, in which I have been denied decency, they will be judged by God when their time comes. I take solace in this belief. I have come to the conclusion that suicide is rarely an instant decision for most, for many it takes time, great thought and consideration. I don't want any loose ends left when I am gone, no doubt about the how and the why. I have to plan it and then act accordingly when the time is right. I am not afraid, nor do I feel I do not have the courage to commit the act when I need to, but I used to love life, I used to love life so much, taking advantage of every small and infrequent joy I could find, thse joys have few and far between. It's the pain; the pain is constant, the suffering and lack of self worth is debilitating; all in a world and country that is supposed to be benevolent and caring...I find none of this. Do others feel similar?