Well, I spent many months considering whether to come on here and post my thoughts or not, and I am certainly not prepared to pour out some gushy life story. However I am prepared to be honest with myself for the first time in a long time. Changes Ive been making in my life have been for the better lately, however regardless of that i still feel uncaring. There was a point around 2 months ago where I began to truly investigate the idea of suicide, not because I actually intended to do it but because of sheer depression that made me feel a desire to investigate the morbid. I always told myself that I would never actually be driven to the point of truthfully considering suicide. About a month afterwards I had the closest thing to a breakdown I have ever had in my life, and my stoic marble mask crumbled for about a week until I was able to pull myself together. Looking back mentally my mind may have made things far worse than reality; by the same token my mind may also now be underscoring the reality. I began to change things in my life, got rid of many bad influences and replaced them with a, now i see, shoddy wall that I hoped to deem an iron blockade. Last night, I came to the realization that I have nothing and no one to live for; I truly don't enjoy life and cant bring myself to care about a future. Last night alone for some odd reason I had two dreams of killing others and found it satisfying. For the first time I actually considered suicide a possibility, which worried me. Don't mistake me for mentally ill, just a bit lost. Many things in the past were things I had said I would never do no matter what occurred in my life, but ultimately did regardless. One of those was becoming an atheist, a choice im content with but just using as an example. I'm wondering, where did you find your will to continue living when the world seemed to crumble around you? I'm tired of trudging through life. Thanks for reading my dull little rant by the way.