Finding purpose, an epiphany.

[Geles]

Well, I spent many months considering whether to come on here and post my thoughts or not, and I am certainly not prepared to pour out some gushy life story. However I am prepared to be honest with myself for the first time in a long time.

Changes Ive been making in my life have been for the better lately, however regardless of that i still feel uncaring. There was a point around 2 months ago where I began to truly investigate the idea of suicide, not because I actually intended to do it but because of sheer depression that made me feel a desire to investigate the morbid. I always told myself that I would never actually be driven to the point of truthfully considering suicide. About a month afterwards I had the closest thing to a breakdown I have ever had in my life, and my stoic marble mask crumbled for about a week until I was able to pull myself together. Looking back mentally my mind may have made things far worse than reality; by the same token my mind may also now be underscoring the reality.

I began to change things in my life, got rid of many bad influences and replaced them with a, now i see, shoddy wall that I hoped to deem an iron blockade. Last night, I came to the realization that I have nothing and no one to live for; I truly don't enjoy life and cant bring myself to care about a future. Last night alone for some odd reason I had two dreams of killing others and found it satisfying. For the first time I actually considered suicide a possibility, which worried me. Don't mistake me for mentally ill, just a bit lost. Many things in the past were things I had said I would never do no matter what occurred in my life, but ultimately did regardless. One of those was becoming an atheist, a choice im content with but just using as an example.

I'm wondering, where did you find your will to continue living when the world seemed to crumble around you? I'm tired of trudging through life.

Thanks for reading my dull little rant by the way.

 

[solutions]

Well, you're clearly suffering. That's one thing immediately worth noting. You said yourself you were "stoic", but you still suffer.

And although I can't answer your question because I don't know the answer, I will try to empathize with you by saying that I feel in many ways the same as you've described in your post. Even in the part about pleasant thoughts of homicide. I, um, can't go too far into my own because they're rather sick, but I've been having thoughts of homicide and suicide for several years. They come and go.

As for your thoughts of suicide, I think you had them because you were suffering, which is totally normal.

Actually, maybe I can help you a bit in the way of coping. First of all, don't expect to maintain the stoic mask of invulnerability forever. It always will break down at some point. It might be wise to find someone you're willing to confide in so you can share this burden you have of trying to keep up appearances, even if it's in a clinical setting, but this forum's a good start. This place is quite safe, I assure you.

In any case, good luck in whatever you choose to do.

 

[Geles]

Finding someone to confide in is good advice, however at the moment I have no one in my life who I cant turn to for that. Maybe ill begin looking for that person, which is partly the reason im turning to a forum instead of someone else. As for clinical help, I tried a counselor once and their only response to me was, "You realize that I can't give you any advice right?" <-- Literally the few words I got out of her and I came out pissed and unsatisfied and now I refuse to do that again.

Though the logic part of my mind tells me that your right and I cannot maintain this stoic mask, the irrational part tells me that I want to be alone and hateful of everything for the rest of my life. I've become rather cynical as my life has changed, I even look through some of the posts on this forum and think...how stupid and find myself looking at my own hypocritical posting. Then I come to think how a disgusting of a person I am, and that I have no friends and family now for a reason. I channeled all my anger incorrectly and secluded myself from those who may have cared. I traded some ignorance for wisdom, some wisdom for ignorance, and happiness for nihilism.

I find myself despising humanity as well as myself; feeling that life is pointless. After all, what is the point of life except death? When you die its over regardless of how you lived your life. We look at ourselves so self importantly; not realizing the irrelevancy of our actions in the ultimate scheme of things.

I used to have some take on the world kind of mindset, where no matter what occurred I would pull through and inspire myself and others. I wish I still did, but I find that thinking to be partially naive now.

 

[Sojourn]

Very eloquent posts. I've also bought into that self-revulsion and nihilist, misanthropic viewpoint. But at the very least, you have taken that hard look in the mirror. Many, many people in this life have not. I have no wise or lucid answers to give, other than to keep searching and seeking out help, comfort, solace, where you can.

From one lost soul to another, I genuinely hope you find your way again.

 

[solutions]

Most people don't realize how inept the majority of counselors and therapists are until they experience it for themselves. Counselors and therapists are very often ill-prepared to deal with their jobs, and clearly do not have their hearts in it. It's extremely difficult finding a competent therapist. I've been through...six, maybe? In any case, it's an uphill battle.

Some therapists are even con artists. They'll lie to you to extract as much money from you as possible. There are some incredible stories I've heard of therapists taking advantage of their clients.

I differ from you in the last part. I do not believe humanity is purposeless, and I do believe in a divine creator. But I believe both of those are malevolent. I think we were designed to be competitive with each other, that natural selection is very real, where the strong prosper and the weak are taken advantage of and die out. Before society, it was just about who was in the strongest group. After modern society was established, it still is, but now we can't murder each other like we used to. But we make up for it. Now our competition is more about who can outsmart the other. There is a limited amount of resources to go around, and everyone scrambles to get their hands on the things we need. And in the end, we either get what we need, or we cope with not having what we need (suicide is included as a coping mechanism). I'm not a nihilist. I think humanity has a purpose, but that the purpose is malevolent and was designed from the start to cause us to suffer. I also don't believe in free will or choice, or the ability to affect the outcome of one's life. I believe in luck and influence. I could go on for pages about my life philosophy, but I doubt anyone would want to hear it. But that about sums up my opinion.

But intellectualism is a bad way to live, in my opinion. It encourages narcissism and bitterness, the latter of which is a paralytic, making the pursuit of pleasure either very difficult or impossible. It makes sure that one lives in a state of stagnation, with a baseline mood that rarely changes.

And there's my take, and I'm totally out of time since I have to be somewhere at 10 this morning.

 

[Geles]

Counselors and therapists are very often ill-prepared to deal with their jobs, and clearly do not have their hearts in it.

I differ from you in the last part. I do not believe humanity is purposeless, and I do believe in a divine creator. But I believe both of those are malevolent. I think we were designed to be competitive with each other, that natural selection is very real, where the strong prosper and the weak are taken advantage of and die out

But intellectualism is a bad way to live, in my opinion. It encourages narcissism and bitterness, the latter of which is a paralytic, making the pursuit of pleasure either very difficult or impossible. It makes sure that one lives in a state of stagnation, with a baseline mood that rarely changes.

Thanks Sojourn, im hopeful that I will. One of the few things I have hope about these days.

@Rocket
That's exactly how I felt, as if my counselor was just tired of hearing it. So im not going to continue fighting an uphill battle, wasting money, to maybe find someone who cares at all.

As for your view on god, that's even more depressing than a nonexistent one, I find it interesting as I have never met anyone with the viewpoint that god is malevolent. Though I have heard the all humans naturally are and believe that as well. However I also believe people can break that mold, otherwise there wouldn't be people on this forum giving their time to lend words of encouragement; even if it is simply self gratification. Natural selection is real and its only through the kinder people of the world that the less fortunate survive.

You truly hit the nail on the head with that last part though. I think that may be a part of my problem, I see the world in a far too cold calculating manner and forget to enjoy it. Though at this point I still can't comprehend what to enjoy. I definitely feel bitter, and can't help but feel righteously so.