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fine, then suddenly suicidal.. then fine again

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by alison, Jun 17, 2012.

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  1. alison

    alison Well-Known Member

    Hey guys.

    So I'm feeling fine right now, and am content with being alive. But last night all I could think about was how alone I was and forever would be, and how I wanted to kill myself. I did something dangerous but probably wouldn't kill me because I'd done it before (I'm not sure exactly what the rules are here -- but I basically made a mini-attempt where I figured I would wake up, but wouldn't be bothered if I didn't.)

    I'm concerned because I've debated suicide on and off since I was ~13 (I'm 24 now). Honestly, I don't think I've ever been close to actually committing suicide, but it was more an anxiety-coping method. I've been diagnosed with panic disorder and social phobia, so when I start to worry about my life and the future, it brings me comfort to know that I could exit whenever I wanted, and that I most likely would be gone within the next month. Clearly, since its been over 10 years, this time frame of 'one month' is more of a comforting mechanism than a reality.

    But I still hate feeling this way. I think since I'm always convinced I'm going to be dead soon, I don't make good long-term decisions (they're anxiety-inducing to think about, and since i'm goign to be dead within a month, what's the point?) There are some things I really enjoy - I love biology and am starting a phd program in the fall. I've been working with my advisor for over a year doing research as staff at the university, and I'm so excited to start taking classes and continue my research. But other things in my life, mostly social things, are terrible. My only friends are a group of girls I've known since I was 14 in high school. I do love some of them, but some of them I'm just keeping around because it's nice to have a body or two to hang out with and not feel lonely. I refuse to make new friends because.. what's the point? Making new friends is stressful and I'm going to be dead in one month anyway. I've never had a boyfriend, because talking to boys is stressful and I'm going to be dead in one month. I moved into a dorm for my undergrad years, but since I graudated in 2009 I've moved back in with my parents. I've been working and can afford to move out, but I'm so scared.. and what's the point if I'm going to be dead soon anyways?

    The reality is, I'm sure I won't be dead soon. It just calms me down to work with that assumption, yet it's halting my life. It also scares me that I get in these moods where I feel intensely suicidal, and while I don't want to die.. maybe it will happen someday. I've been feeling so lonely lately. My high school friends are starting to move on with their lives and I feel so alone and unimportant. Also - my health isn't great. I'm bulimic, but I don't see the point in trying to recover. People recover from eating disorders because they want to live longer lives, and I want to die soon anyways. So what's the point?

    I don't know what I'm asking really. I just needed a rant I guess. Anyone relate to using 'suicidal ideation' as a calming method for dealing with anxiety?
  2. Definitely. I relate to everything you said. I've struggled with depression since I was 14, and I don't think I'm actually close to killing myself, but knowing that it's a possibility makes me feel calm and like I'm not trapped in this painful world.
    My advice would be to try to take small steps toward planning for the future. It's hard, I know, but it will help. I'm starting at a new college in the fall, and I've been putting effort into planning for that. Looking forward to something in the future makes me feel more confident that I will be able to survive. Maybe for you it can be your PhD and research work? That all sounds really interesting, so maybe you could look forward to that and use it to push forward through life.
    Like I said, I relate so well to everything you've said. If you ever want to talk about anything, just message me or something.
  3. alison

    alison Well-Known Member

    Thanks for your response. I'm sorry you're going through something similar, but it feels nice to relate with people.

    I do try to focus on my academics/career. Both because its the one facet of my life that is on schedule, but also because I do truly find so much joy and inspiration in biology.

    Today has been a good day. I've been feeling very upbeat and positive. I'm just scared because I know I'm going to flip again and want to die.
  4. Have you thought about having a plan of action for when you start feeling like that? Like something you can do or think to yourself that will help you get through it?
    Knowing that you're possibly going to start feeling that way again and knowing what it feels like gives you an advantage to help you prepare for it, even when it comes out of nowhere.
    For me personally, I do something to distract myself until it passes. Or if that doesn't work, I think about things in the future that I'm looking forward to, like starting school, and I tell myself that I will survive so that I can experience those things.
    It's wonderful that you had a good day today, I'm happy for you. It's also great that you're so passionate about what you do. Hang onto those things.
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