So if you finish reading this.. congrats. If you dont you didnt miss much. Let it out. Fuck yeah!!! I'm the nice girl that ALWAYS finishes last. I'm 45 and sick of it. The girl that all the guys say the right things to. They make empty promises that I need to believe, so I do. I do everything I can to make them see how dedicated and in love I am with them. They drop me after doing and taking what they want and leave. Does it matter to them that they have broken my heart? No. Does it matter to them that they have destroyed the teeniest bit of self esteem that they managed to help bring out? No. Does it matter that when they get the sex they want and then just leave that I'm left feeling like the slut I am? No. I'm the girl that everyone comes to when they need someone to help them sort out problems or deal with major catastrophies in their lives. Or to use as their excuse for their shortcomings in life. Yep nice girl is the best person in the world to know then. But when they are doing ok or having fun, I'm the last person they would want to include. No social calls or dropping by to say hi. No phone calls just to say "wanna chat" or "oh God you wouldnt believe what so and so did it was outrageous!!!" No. And when I need these same people they seem to fall off the face of the earth. I can even call them after days of trying my damnest to deal with my demons on my own, knowing it isnt working. I get "oh please help me" or "well there really isnt much I can do for you." So my problems for the moment get shoved deep down inside. But yet these same people seem surprised when they hear I'm in the hospital because I attempted to kill myself. I'm the girl that gets completely lost in the cracks when I try to find help for myself. The nice girl that everyone seems to forget about when looking for medical or financial help. The hospitals, the doctors, the therapsits, the social assistance people, the child services people, the people in the support groups, the church.... all of them. Do they realize how insignificant they make me feel above how I already feel like I dont exist? No. I'm the girl that the courts seem to have somehow forgotten, is legally entitled to certain monies from my ex and my youngest sons father. The men keep withholding and withholding what the courts have deemed as mine. Yet nothing happens to them. I'm in financial ruin because of the lack of funds these two opt out on and NOTHING is done to them. One of them for 7 years now and the other 4. Do they or the courts realize that they have left me with no options for housing or for basic needs for my children and myself once summer comes around? No. I'm the girl that tried to kill herself last night. But all I have to show for my efforts is a nasty cut to my neck, lots of pain from too many drugs, and the need to try again as soon as I can. Does anyone of the people that are suppose to help me care? No. Well if I always have to finish last then I'm going to change the game rules a little. I tried something pretty nasty this summer. Figured after trying it never gonna go back. Screw that. Nice girl did it again last night and I'm going out tonight to find some more. I always have to "punish" myself when I have let down a true friend or someone that I dearly love. Well I did that too last night. But from now on nice girl is going to make some money from it. Nice girl is so tired of being nice girl. All my life I have been nice girl. Even as my husband abused me in ways no person should have to be part of. Even as friends came, used and left. Even as family members discarded me because of mental health issues they refused to recognize as real. Even as the majority of the world seemed to let me disappear. Well nice girl doesnt want to feel the pain anymore. I'm tired of screwing up things for my bestest and most dearest ones. I'm tired of letting people rely on me just to disappoint them or worse hurt them. It's time for nice girl to quit with the piss ass attempts and get it over with. It's time for me to go out with a bang. I'm the girl that is confused, scared and tired of reaching out for help and answers that never seem to come. I'm tired of the hurt I feel and the hurt I give. I always finish last but not without putting out every effort I can to finish first. Nice girl is dangling over the edge, all of her own doing, and wants to be dead. When I fall will it truly, really matter? No. For then it will be the one time I think I might actually come in first.