First attempt of many...

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by ZasuArt, Nov 16, 2011.

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  1. ZasuArt

    ZasuArt Well-Known Member

    I first attempted at 12 (I'm now 40). I took 2 bottles of <<a common OTC item...don't think I can say, but I now know it's almost never lethal>> and laid down in bed fully expecting to die. A bit later, my step mom (who would have been elated to see me dead) appeared in the doorway of my room waving the 2 empty bottles that she had pulled out of the garbage and smiling like she'd just won the lottery. Then she turned away and didn't come back. That really messed me up. At the time, it was like being told, "I know you're dying and I'm happy to just let you die". Almost 30 years later, I still flash back to that moment on a pretty regular basis, and it's still devistating.

    I've attempted several times since then. I have no earthly idea how I survived, but on 3 occasions I had doctors telling me there was no medical reason I should have made it. I hate it... I hate what it does to my partner. I hate feeling like I'm crazy and I hate having to face the disappointment that I've failed again. But a part of me also takes comfort in feeling like I have that twisted little "escape hatch" if I need it (which of course, it never is). Sometimes I think that the universe just loves to torture me. I really do want to change, but it's so hard when it's been hardwired in to you for so long.
     
  2. xXWhateverItTakesXx

    xXWhateverItTakesXx Forum Buddy

    I am sorry to hear you have tried so many times, and your step-mom's reaction was so very horrible :(

    I can relate to the "escape hatch" idea. Every time I attempt I feel everything wash away and I hope all those fears and everything are something I never have to deal with.. My partner never knows, which is selfish but it would hurt him so much..

    And the universe is very uncertain, but it has brought you back so many times, maybe it's telling you something..

    Sending my love and thoughts :hug: xx
     
  3. ZasuArt

    ZasuArt Well-Known Member

    Thanks so much, Whatevs (can I call you "Whatevs"?). The fact that you've spared your partner seems kind compared to what I've put mine through. But my intention was always to end both of our pain in a way. Let her grieve then move on and find someone who wasn't as screwed up. I hate myself for hurting her. But we've stuck together for 12 years, through the good and the bad. I hope we can get through this now.

    Yeah... my childhood was messed up in many ways, but no one did more damage than my stepmom. There was a lot of physical abuse, but the emotional cruelty was what really destroyed me. Now, after many years of running away from family, for the last few years, I've finally been trying to allow them somewhat in my life. And even she is putting in a tiny bit of effort, although she will never acknowledge what she did to me, much less apologize. I think she hopes I don't remember it all, or maybe that I won't trust my own memories. When my Dad tracked me down a few years ago, I wrote them a letter confronting them both on the abuse I suffered by her (and that my dad turned a blind eye to). I told them that I didn't expect an apology (I knew I'd never get it), but that I couldn't have them in my life until I knew that they heard how this destroyed my childhood and made coping with my adult life almost impossible. Of all the things I still struggle with regarding my stepmom, that day when I first tried to end my life is at the top of the list. I would love to know what was going through her head.

    ANYWAY... sorry to ramble! I really appreciate your kindness Whatevs, and I'm sending love and hugs right back. :console:
     
  4. xXWhateverItTakesXx

    xXWhateverItTakesXx Forum Buddy

    My childhood was much the same. Apart from my step dad abused me. I ran away, called police, social services, everything. Nothing worked so I am now stuck with the memories, flashbacks ect and still living at home. I wish I could just move out, because it's one of the reasons I am so sad..

    And I my bf is great. Don't know why he's still with me. I am useless and messed up. I cause him a lot of pain and it's not fair :(

    Thanks for the love and hugs, seems like we both need it atm :hug: xx
     
  5. Anneinside

    Anneinside Well-Known Member

    The first time I tried I was 14 or 15. I had a large amount of tranquilizers and sleeping pills and took all of them. However, not being good at swallowing them, I took in a lot of water too. Finally I vomited most of it up. I went to bed and slept from Friday evening to Sunday morning. No one noticed because I didn't miss school. No one knew, ever.

    As an adult I have tried several - 5 or 6 - times and either stopped myself or someone else intervened. Sometimes I think that's the way my life will end. That thought comes even when I'm not depressed.
     
  6. Mogwai02

    Mogwai02 Active Member

    i always have this feeling that suicide will be my ultimate "end game."
     
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