First attempt - scared

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by Oloriel, Nov 20, 2010.

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  1. Oloriel

    Oloriel Well-Known Member

    I tried to hang myself tonight. It was so different from all the ways I'd pictured it and planned it. I was preparing to self harm and suddenly I just felt this despairing resolve...or maybe I didn't. I hardly remember now why I decided to kill myself in the end. I have been trying to stave off the desire to do it for days, weeks, months, years. >.< And tonight I just did it. And next thing I knew, I was lying on the floor. The belt had snapped. I remember screaming and screaming and crying and screaming more...

    I'm alive. I tried to kill myself and I am alive. ...I don't know what I'm supposed to do now.
     
  2. GA_lost

    GA_lost Well-Known Member

    Sweetie Depending on your age either go to the ER or tell your parents (if your parents do not listen still go to the ER). From recent reading, your method of trying to kill yourself has a greater chance of trying again. Also, your impulsevity will indicate a likelihood of your attempting again. Whatever you do, please keep on posting here especially on what drove you to do this.
     
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I agree with GA please go to emergency tell them what happen and ask talk to crisis team there okay. see pdoc on call get some help for you now okay please.
     
  4. Oloriel

    Oloriel Well-Known Member

    I don't want to go to the hospital for a couple of reasons. One, I am a stupid procrastinator and I'm not sure if I ever turned in this one last form to assure I have student insurance while I am abroad. Since I am in Japan, I don't want to risk being hospitalized without insurance. Two, I am terrified that the school where I am studying will send me home because of this. I WILL NOT have to go home and live with my parents where they will always be crying inside because their "little girl" tried to kill herself, and where they will look at me like a crazy person. I won't drop out of college. It sounds stupid that I would be willing to die but not to quit school, but I guess a life without my college would be better than a life with nothing at all. I panic over classes, but I panic more when I am lying around uselessly.

    I know it's idiotic of me to refuse to go to the hospital, or to even tell anyone about the attempt... but I just don't want anyone to know, I am terrified.
     
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Just go into your college and ask to see doctor for anxiety meds then or depression lots of students get help for these things. You would not be the only one. At least do that okay.
     
  6. Oloriel

    Oloriel Well-Known Member

    I have some meds. Clearly they need to be adjusted if I am still like this. I have both anxiety and depression medication. What I can do is talk to my psychiatrist back home about getting a better prescription. I also want to try to talk to him just for talking. But I am scared now to talk to him - if I tell him I made an attempt, what will he do? I am afraid to talk to doctors now.

    I hate how scared of myself I am. I am ashamed and horrified, and I just want to cover it up and never let anyone know that this has happened. What would people say about me? >.<
     
  7. GA_lost

    GA_lost Well-Known Member

    Hon Try to be with people if you can. You are probably less likely to try this again out with people even if it is just shopping alone whatever. I was in a similar position when I worked. I was always terrified that I would lose my security clearance which meant I would lose my job if I talked about suicide. You are concerned about what your parents would feel if they knew about an attempt. What do you think would occur if you follow through and are successful.
     
  8. Oloriel

    Oloriel Well-Known Member

    I know. >.< Up until tonight that was the only thing keeping me from doing it - I didn't want to hurt my friends and family. I don't know why I gave in tonight.

    For now I am going to sleep, sleep, sleep. I pray I don't have nightmares. This seems like the kind of night for them. But tomorrow I will go out, I can't hide in my room anymore.
     
  9. GA_lost

    GA_lost Well-Known Member

    Hugs have a good sleep.
     
  10. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    your doctor will keep what you say confidential okay he will see how important it is to adjust you medication some. No one will judge you okay they will help you cope a bit better I am glad you can comehere and talk freely about it. It does help to have somewhere to write down what you are feeling and have people care okay Keep safe .
     
  11. Oloriel

    Oloriel Well-Known Member

    Thank you truly. I slept for a few hours and now I'm awake and i feel like my entire body is filled with sand. Its so hard to move. But I'm okay. Going to try to get more sleep.
     
  12. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Please don't try to hang yourself again Oloriel. You seem like a really nice person and I would hate the thought of you ending your life so soon. Have you figured out what caused you to make this attempt? :hug:
     
  13. Oloriel

    Oloriel Well-Known Member

    I'm honestly not sure. I mean, I know what everything is that adds up to me being suicidal - general depression and ennui, worthlessness, and on top of it my abusive ex. Lots of factors. But I don't know why I suddenly resolved to do it. :( It was nothing like I had planned it would be, when I do plan it. ...I just did it.

    Thank you for your support. :hug: I am still very shaken. I mentioned in another thread that someone tried to hit on me today. It pleased me, but it also really scared me. I had to get away from him quickly - what if he'd known about the attempt? He wouldn't have wanted anything to do with me.
     
  14. Lexicon

    Lexicon Well-Known Member

    Hiya. I'm so glad you're alright, please try not to hurt yourself again, you deserve so much better than this. Attempting doesn't make you a weak person, you're fighting pain like nothing he could believe or understand. You're going to be ok in the end, it'll alright. Thinking of you hun. Lex
     
  15. MightyMatt

    MightyMatt Well-Known Member

    Hey Oloriel!

    I'm glad you are ok... I found myself in a very similar situation to not so long ago. If you search my posts you will see this. There are probably quiet a few things that we could talk about... Drop me a P.M. and I'll be happy to talk through a few things with you.

    Take care
    Matt
     
  16. steveoh

    steveoh Active Member

    dont ever tell anyone you suicidal, and people just believe the worst, you will never be treated the same as people will always think something is wrong with you, get you help. make you talk to people, put you on all these meds/ drugs that are legal, its like a rumor in high school, its a fucked up world but ehh
     
  17. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    How are you feeling Oloriel? :hug:
     
  18. Ady2011

    Ady2011 Active Member

    God was watching over you and saved you at the last moment. He obviously has good things just around the corner for you. You need to help yourself as well though and make full use of any help available.
     
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