First attempt.

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by tiggersafire, Sep 17, 2009.

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  1. tiggersafire

    tiggersafire Well-Known Member

    I have talked about it a lot since I was maybe 13 or so, and I've been cutting since then as well, but the other day I actually took a blade to the viens in my wrists and tried to kill myself, and if it hadn't been for my friend coming over in the morning and hearing my grandpa come upstairs I probably would have really just killed myself. Instead all I have to show for it are really big cuts on my wrist over my viens that teachers question and kids at school make a big deal over. I have parents that think it's funny and that I'd never really do it. I have friends that say I need help. I'm so afraid of people and can never trust anyone at all that I don't exactly want to go to anyone for help... The doctors never help me, I can't go to teachers because they could tell child protective services again, I don't have a lot of friends in person, I feel alone... I've sunk so low, and I don't know how I let myself get this way. I want to feel like myself again... But then I really don't even know who I am anymore. There's so much pressure with school, homework, work, my parents, friends, and bad feelings and pain that won't go away that I feel like I'm better off just dead, I feel like there's no other way to escape all this pain... I feel like I failed because I didn't sucsesfully kill myself.

    Well there's my huge long post.... I'm painfully shy, people scare me, so I think this is my first actual post here at 12AM when I can't sleep yet again...
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    It took courage to post that so you do have some strength in you. If you can't tell your teachers or your parents then call your doctor. Ask your doctor if you could be given something for depression. Call crisis line or Good Samaritan lines just to talk to someone who will listen who will give you some good coping skills. Please reach out so you can get help to stop all this pain inside you. Call your doctors office and make appointment to see if you can get professional councilling by someone who truly knows how to listen and cares and who can give you the help you need. Take care reach out and get help okay now.
     
  3. yursomedicated

    yursomedicated Chat & Forum Buddy

    i feel exactly the same way. i'm sure you will feel like yourself soon. you just need to really want to. if you ever need to talk about anything, you can message me.
     
  4. tiggersafire

    tiggersafire Well-Known Member

    I actually did go to my doctor today... I see a therapist every week named Claire for help with my ADHD. We talked about my cutting and other things to do when I'm upset, and she asked if I ever tried to kill myself and I lied and said no. I was afraid she would tell my grandma. We also talked about me going back on medicine for ADHD because I was better when I took those. She made me promise I would still be alive when I came to see her next week and then she let me go.

    Thank you to both of you... And erm I'm sorry but I don't know your name, but I hope you feel better soon too and I will try to message you if I do need to talk about anything... I'm kinda shy though haha
     
  5. Ben

    Ben Member

    The fear of the response that the people I care about if I told them is probably the worst prospect for me too, my dad tried to commit suicide at one point in his life, and i've always been told by my mother how "crazy" he is and how he has mental issues because of it, it's because of this mentallity alone that i'm so afraid to confide in anyone at all. I hope that with the support of atleast the people on this forum that you can begin to feel you have someone to talk to. I'm always here, and I know everyone else is always here for you too. Heart goes out to you all.
     
  6. WldHair

    WldHair Well-Known Member

    It's possible that you could be having chemical issues in your brain from cutting out your meds. I know because I've had them myself. I'm an adult and when I was at my worse, I wanted to cut myself. I wouldn't go around knives because I was afraid I would slice into my arm. I wanted to cut because I didn't know what I was feeling or how to voice it. I had a therapist and my husband and my therapist would say "tell me what's going on" and I remember sitting there wishing I had a knife to slice into my arm and saying "that's what's going on" - there's nothing in verbal language to express it.

    Try going back on the meds, especially since you admit you felt better on them. It sounds like you have a good counselor so continue to confind in her. Also, try doing some art work. That can help you express some of what you're feeling or maybe some other task where you can release your stress.

    It's okay to be shy, and thanks for opening us to us.

    Chaeya
     
  7. tiggersafire

    tiggersafire Well-Known Member

    Thank you to both of you... I might try to go back on medicine. I know how bad depression is, trust me, I just spent an hour on the phone with my mother telling her that she isn't a failure, that I love her, that my sisters do too but are just at an awkward and difficult age, how to deal with my sisters, how to deal with her boyfriend, that she was and is a good mother, that she needs to eat, that she can do things right, etc. She is so low... She told me I sound more like the adult and that I'm so smart... If only she was right. She started crying because she said before I told her today that I loved her, she thought I hated her and thought of her as a failure and didn't love her at all... Do I really make her feel that shitty? Ugh. I didn't want her to think I don't love her... She's my mother.

    Nothing really matters to me anymore... She wants to kick her boyfriend out and have me come and live with her again. I can't do that, I will kill myself before I go back there, I'm 16, I can't raise a 10 and 8 year old again like I did when I lived with her last. I know her boyfriend would come back again and I can't live with him, he pushes me against walls and always yells non stop at me and my mum. I'm so beyond done, but I hope all of you feel better and get through everything that you're going through.
     
  8. monnie101

    monnie101 Member

    I'm new here but I just wanted to say that even if you want to, you shouldn't try to do it. Most suicides never work and people just end up with permanent damage to their body. You could really damage your nerves and other things. Then that will suck more because you will be depressed and physically damaged. So the next time you have a thought to try to do it, try and remember the facts are that you won't die and you will only hurt your body. When I was younger people would tell me stuff like, "Go ahead do it, you don't have the guts" and that's just wrong. If people egg you on, don't let it get to you. They don't realize what they are saying and how it effects you.

    If your doctors aren't helping you or you don't like your therapist then you can try to get a new one. It took me some time to get one I really liked. Right now mine is awesome! I see her every 2 weeks and we map out my goals. She's really nice and volunteers at a no kill animal shelter.

    It might be difficult to see right now, but their is always a way. Try to think of a plan that can best help you. Try to keep doing good in school because college may be a good way out where you can have an awesome life from it! I am older then you but I had a horrible childhood and I'm still surprised I am alive but a lot of good things have happened.

    Hang in there. Don't slice your wrists or swallow pills or any of that, it can really hurt you. If your parents egg you on now, then even if you did do it it likely won't fix anything. My parents and friends egged me on to do it too. I once overdosed on GHB purposely, all it accomplished was having my girlfriend and mom arguing and my parents still were very bad people. Months after it happened, nothing changed. Ben mentioned that his dad tried it and his mom calls him crazy. So trying suicide doesn't fix anything and only seems to make matters worse. I thought they would be like, "OMG he was serious, we should all care now and we see our ways" but it didn't happen, it never happens.

    Oh also, I have friends that did accomplish suicide. One friend bought a gun and shot himself. Sadly, even at his wake, his parents were still argueing in front of everyone blaming everyone but themselves! Months later, everyone went on with their life as if nothing happened. :( My friend's father hung himself in a window. That's a horrible way to die if you have ever read on it, you usually die of suffication. Well, again, it only made things terrible for the family and months later, other people go on with life as if nothing happened.

    Remember what I said because you might have to remind me or someone else, when they are feeling down again sometime and suicidal.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 20, 2009
  9. tiggersafire

    tiggersafire Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry about your experiences... I will remember all that... I try to tell people that want to kill themselves that it's not worth it and that things will always get better, but I really have no room to talk and I doubt they take me seriously since I don't always want to be here myself.

    I did learn not to cut anymore... I got called out for it at school by a teacher, and they looked at it and said it was infected right over my vien and that the infection could spread and I could lose my arm if that happened so I needed to see a doctor. I won't be cutting anymore, I kind of need my body parts... Bleck.
     
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