First Cut & Burn, Sadly

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by Know One, Jul 7, 2007.

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  1. Know One

    Know One Member

    Well here's my story; I am 15 years old. My parents are still married (clearly not happily) and I am one of two children. I have an older sister who is going to turn 20 late this year. My sister is normally at college, but is home for the summer. When she decides to come home, she sleeps in a room she has made her own in our basement with her boyfriend. I guess to be straight forward, my sister and her boyfriend are drug dealers. They get constant calls from kids to sell them things and I've seen half of the things hidden in our house. I don't know too much about anything besides marijuana, as its the only thing I've tried. I know theres at least 2 pounds of "headies" in the basement. I've also seen more LSD and ecstasy then I'm sure anyone my age has. What the fuck else is down there? I don't know, nor do I want to. My sister and I have become fairly close when she found out I smoke weed. We smoke it daily. Lots of it. We aren't addicted to anything. We just feel like doing it, because there's nothing else to do. My parents know we smoke it and drink (I don't drink though) and they have their suspicions about the sales. Nothing a few of my sister's quick lies won't clear up, though. I guess I really haven't talked about myself too much, only my sister. I love computers. The internet has practically become my life. All day all I do is play guitar, and go on the internet. I do play an MMORPG, and I guess you can say I've "beaten" it, because I've reached the maximum level. I'm not going to say which game because I do not want that to be the focus of this thread. Back on to topic with my life; In the beginning I had friends. Everyone in my school knew me. Then, I started my love for the internet. I spend most of my day on the computer, and soon pretty much lost all of my "friends". Nowadays, when I eat at lunch, I eat with all the musicians, and I'm pretty much the only one not in a band there. Pfft, I wonder why... So yeah, I guess I'm anti-social at that point, until I started talking to what was my best friend. His name was Chris. Chris was someone I almost admired at the start. He knew all about the internet things I did and was cool and popular. We started hanging out a lot and well that led to me getting more friends. Well, since he introduced me to so many new people, I wanted to do the same, so I introduced him to kids in my class (I'm in the gifted program in school, so the kids in my class don't get around too much) and we all got a program called "Skype" to talk over the internet. I began talking and getting very close to a girl named Julie. Julie went was forced on a trip to South Carolina to visit her grandparents and I was pretty much the only one who stayed in contact with her. We talked all night, every night and text messaged all day. When she returned, I introduced her to Chris, and guess who she started liking more then me? :dry: I spent hours sitting in conversations, just listening to them laugh and enjoy each other. I wasn't amazingly close to her at this point so I was willing to let it go, but as I watched, I saw what kinda of person Chris was. He is a poser. He has no personality. He alters himself to look "cool" for anyone. When she realized this, she came back to me pretty much. Just as I was about to ask her out (she knew I was going to) someone else did, not even Chris. Her old friend, but she did not like him anymore. She felt sorry for him at the time and agreed. So we had to live in the shadows pretty much. She still acted like he had never even asked her out, and flirted with me the same. She eventually dumped him. When she dumped him, she assured him not to worry that we (her and I) were not going out. This came from out of no where. It shocked me. Eventually, it passed, and we became friends. (I guess I've always kind of wanted to have more of a relationship, but its too late now.) Time has passed it's summer. I stopped talking to Chris, despite his many calls and voicemails. I'm sick of him. He's shit. Nothing to me. I still talked to Julie during the summer though. We've had some fun, but nothing special. During the summer I found out all the things she had been doing with other guys (my friends included and Chris included) and it pretty much sickened me. She won't tell me anything straight to myself. She always tells me to ask someone else. I'm sick of my so called "friends". Throughout the past few years, I pick out times to just scream at my "friends" and tell them to pretty much leave me the fuck alone. It's pretty much come down to me doing that weekly. All I do now, is get high with my sister, and when I'm not high I'm pissing my "friends" away. I don't like having "friends". I also haven't slept in 2 weeks and I'm not sure if I have an eating disorder, because I am extremely underweight (5'9" and I'm not sure if I'm even 100 lbs yet) and I only eat about one meal a day. By meal I mean 3-4 bites out of a sandwich, too. Well, last night I had another freak out in which I told my friends to fuck off. This time, Julie had been having like a breakdown or something and I totally just fucked her up extremely. It was rough, but I actually believe I gave her good advice. She thanked me in a text message at 2AM and I replied pretty much sounding like our friendship was over at 2:30AM. That was last night. The rest of the night, I spent pretty much sitting in my bed constantly thinking about either killing myself (but I decided that would be too much of a waste) or cutting myself. I spent most of the night looking for my Swiss Army Knife, which I never found. I ended up cutting myself with the hook part of a fucking nail clipper, that you use to clean you finger nails with. It was dull, but it got the job done, I suppose. I also decided to try burning myself with a lighter. The pain felt good. It satisfied me. I felt like I was in control and like I was actually human and that this was all real. It let me forget about the mental pain. I know my life could be a lot worse, but I guess I just had a breakdown and that was my solution. It felt good, but I really do not wish to make it become a habit. What should I do?

    Edit: Upon reading a few threads it reminded me of my mother's side of the family, which has all died from cancer from smoking or suicide. This depresses me deeply as I feel as though one of these will become my end.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 7, 2007
  2. thedeafmusician

    thedeafmusician Staff Alumni

    Things don't exactly sound easy for you. But seriously? Cutting complicates things. The control factor... everything just feels so out of control and self injury is one of the few things that you *do* have in control... right? And it feels good too... with all the endorphins and so on. Seeing as you have just started... I really recommend you stop now. Find something else to do next time you want to cut. I find a good run usually does it for me. If you keep cutting and burning... it spirals. It gets worse. You end up doing more and more to get the same rush that you got the first time. And then you lose control. It ain't pretty, and it aint fun. It definitely isn't worth all the scars.. and hiding. Were I you, I'd stop now... while its easier.

    Sorry.... I honestly didn't mean to make it sound as lectury as I just did...

    TDM
     
  3. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    I agree with TDM here, the longer you SH the harder and harder it gets. I've done it 10 years and believe me when I say it's the most addictive achoring bad habbit there is on earth. Please stop while you can. If you ever need to talk feel free to PM me, ok? Take care hun. :hug:
     
  4. Know One

    Know One Member

    Thank you both of you, can you recommend anything else that you do when you feel like doing it, but don't want to?

    (I recently found out Julie has 1 failed suicide attempt and has been cutting for the past 2 years)
     
  5. Know One

    Know One Member

    Just found out my moms been on high doesages of Xanax for years.
     
  6. crazy

    crazy Well-Known Member

    It sounds like you have a lot going on. I have to agree with TDM and Carolyn. The first time I SH I was about 13 or 14, I'm now 22. One thing that helps me when I feel like hurting myself is I tell my self in 15 mins I can and then I get doing something else, like being online, watching tv/movie, listening to music, writing, etc then when the 15 mins is up I see where I am and if I still feel like doing it I get into another activity. I keep repeating this process till the urge passes and IT DOES PASS.
     
  7. thedeafmusician

    thedeafmusician Staff Alumni

  8. underdosed

    underdosed Guest

    i wish i could help you but im in the same boat. ive been cutting (lighter burning more tho) for about 5 years and its an addiction now. when i cant c/b i over exercise to the point of exhaustion, until it feels like my muscles are bleeding. so i shift my pain addiction from thing to think without being able to stop. i agree with everyone else: if its not to late to stop then STOP! i realize that once ure stuck you cant just stop, but if its just a new thing, try to not do it because it eats away ure life. you're so wrapped up in the shame and embarrassment. you have to cover it up all the time and make sure no one sees that you're a freak (i feel like a freak- im NOT i repeat NOT saying people who SI are freaks). i wish i could stop but all ive been doing is changing the situation but not the problem
     
  9. jane doe

    jane doe Well-Known Member

    hi, i agree with all of them and i know you will end up doing what you feel and not what we recomend, because we humans do that kind of things, but le me tell you something, even if your problems dissapear, aafter all you will keep doing it, and that`s the worst, because now it makes you feel confortable and the owner of your actions, you feel like you are related to it, because you knew people who were depressed, but in the end it will be all that you care for, and all that you`ll live for, i recomend as we all do, to try to do something that keeps you out of your mind, do excersise so your body will be very tired, write, or go out just to run, do something that makes you feel in other place (and i am NOT talking about drugs)you can paint, or sing very strong, but keep your mind out of yourself ,and try to let everything that can hurt you away from you are when you feel like doing it. take care hun,pm me if you need it
     
  10. meagainstme

    meagainstme Well-Known Member

    i know everyone else here has said it, but really, you DO NOT want to cut again. every time you think 'one more time' or whatever, it becomes a natural thing to think WHATEVER situation. you become relying on it. it becomes an addiction, basically like drugs. you wont be able to stop yourself doing it/obsessing over it. your cuts will get deeper (and i tell you, going to a+e is a shitty experience), cuts will get infected, and when they are healing you itch to fuck. then you have to hide your cuts. its an exhausting full time job. gotta find someone else that will distract you when you feel bad or out of control. what do you enjoy doing?

    i do sincerely wish you all the best.

    and on the up side, well done for not stressing about suicide that night :)
     
  11. Ashes

    Ashes Member

    you seem like you used cutting as an alternative to killing yourself which is a good thing, and partly why i did it. and yeah, its a good way to stop from killing yourself, but not to help your problems. it helps everything an nothing at the same time. try not to let it be a habit!
     
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