Well here's my story; I am 15 years old. My parents are still married (clearly not happily) and I am one of two children. I have an older sister who is going to turn 20 late this year. My sister is normally at college, but is home for the summer. When she decides to come home, she sleeps in a room she has made her own in our basement with her boyfriend. I guess to be straight forward, my sister and her boyfriend are drug dealers. They get constant calls from kids to sell them things and I've seen half of the things hidden in our house. I don't know too much about anything besides marijuana, as its the only thing I've tried. I know theres at least 2 pounds of "headies" in the basement. I've also seen more LSD and ecstasy then I'm sure anyone my age has. What the fuck else is down there? I don't know, nor do I want to. My sister and I have become fairly close when she found out I smoke weed. We smoke it daily. Lots of it. We aren't addicted to anything. We just feel like doing it, because there's nothing else to do. My parents know we smoke it and drink (I don't drink though) and they have their suspicions about the sales. Nothing a few of my sister's quick lies won't clear up, though. I guess I really haven't talked about myself too much, only my sister. I love computers. The internet has practically become my life. All day all I do is play guitar, and go on the internet. I do play an MMORPG, and I guess you can say I've "beaten" it, because I've reached the maximum level. I'm not going to say which game because I do not want that to be the focus of this thread. Back on to topic with my life; In the beginning I had friends. Everyone in my school knew me. Then, I started my love for the internet. I spend most of my day on the computer, and soon pretty much lost all of my "friends". Nowadays, when I eat at lunch, I eat with all the musicians, and I'm pretty much the only one not in a band there. Pfft, I wonder why... So yeah, I guess I'm anti-social at that point, until I started talking to what was my best friend. His name was Chris. Chris was someone I almost admired at the start. He knew all about the internet things I did and was cool and popular. We started hanging out a lot and well that led to me getting more friends. Well, since he introduced me to so many new people, I wanted to do the same, so I introduced him to kids in my class (I'm in the gifted program in school, so the kids in my class don't get around too much) and we all got a program called "Skype" to talk over the internet. I began talking and getting very close to a girl named Julie. Julie went was forced on a trip to South Carolina to visit her grandparents and I was pretty much the only one who stayed in contact with her. We talked all night, every night and text messaged all day. When she returned, I introduced her to Chris, and guess who she started liking more then me? :dry: I spent hours sitting in conversations, just listening to them laugh and enjoy each other. I wasn't amazingly close to her at this point so I was willing to let it go, but as I watched, I saw what kinda of person Chris was. He is a poser. He has no personality. He alters himself to look "cool" for anyone. When she realized this, she came back to me pretty much. Just as I was about to ask her out (she knew I was going to) someone else did, not even Chris. Her old friend, but she did not like him anymore. She felt sorry for him at the time and agreed. So we had to live in the shadows pretty much. She still acted like he had never even asked her out, and flirted with me the same. She eventually dumped him. When she dumped him, she assured him not to worry that we (her and I) were not going out. This came from out of no where. It shocked me. Eventually, it passed, and we became friends. (I guess I've always kind of wanted to have more of a relationship, but its too late now.) Time has passed it's summer. I stopped talking to Chris, despite his many calls and voicemails. I'm sick of him. He's shit. Nothing to me. I still talked to Julie during the summer though. We've had some fun, but nothing special. During the summer I found out all the things she had been doing with other guys (my friends included and Chris included) and it pretty much sickened me. She won't tell me anything straight to myself. She always tells me to ask someone else. I'm sick of my so called "friends". Throughout the past few years, I pick out times to just scream at my "friends" and tell them to pretty much leave me the fuck alone. It's pretty much come down to me doing that weekly. All I do now, is get high with my sister, and when I'm not high I'm pissing my "friends" away. I don't like having "friends". I also haven't slept in 2 weeks and I'm not sure if I have an eating disorder, because I am extremely underweight (5'9" and I'm not sure if I'm even 100 lbs yet) and I only eat about one meal a day. By meal I mean 3-4 bites out of a sandwich, too. Well, last night I had another freak out in which I told my friends to fuck off. This time, Julie had been having like a breakdown or something and I totally just fucked her up extremely. It was rough, but I actually believe I gave her good advice. She thanked me in a text message at 2AM and I replied pretty much sounding like our friendship was over at 2:30AM. That was last night. The rest of the night, I spent pretty much sitting in my bed constantly thinking about either killing myself (but I decided that would be too much of a waste) or cutting myself. I spent most of the night looking for my Swiss Army Knife, which I never found. I ended up cutting myself with the hook part of a fucking nail clipper, that you use to clean you finger nails with. It was dull, but it got the job done, I suppose. I also decided to try burning myself with a lighter. The pain felt good. It satisfied me. I felt like I was in control and like I was actually human and that this was all real. It let me forget about the mental pain. I know my life could be a lot worse, but I guess I just had a breakdown and that was my solution. It felt good, but I really do not wish to make it become a habit. What should I do? Edit: Upon reading a few threads it reminded me of my mother's side of the family, which has all died from cancer from smoking or suicide. This depresses me deeply as I feel as though one of these will become my end.