First cut

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by Ann, Feb 10, 2008.

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  1. Ann

    Ann Well-Known Member

    Hi,

    I'm writing here 'cause I cut myself yesterday for the first time and I wanna do it again.
    I know I should not and that's why I did'nt do it again yet. But I'm feeling so sad and lonely that I'm not really sure of what I can do.
    I guess I'm writing here to find some support 'cause I feel like nothing's worth to hold on to...
    I didn't understand before how it was possible to feel better after cutting yourself but now I do, though I still have the apprehension of the rasor blade.
     
  2. Ann

    Ann Well-Known Member

    I did talk about it to a close friend who told me not to do it again and I'm actually struggling not to do it again. But talking doesn't help... It just distracts me for a while...
     
  3. Hurted

    Hurted Well-Known Member

    I cut myself for first time in december...4 days, around 30 wounds...
    I got scared and stop... but after 14 days i did it again... i have it in control, just few more times and i will stop, thats what i thought...

    Now, after 2 months, i have 250 visible wounds, some of them are really deep.

    Stop until you can... othervise cutting will become something you will have in mind every second...
     
  4. butterfly12274

    butterfly12274 Well-Known Member

    I have 69! No joke, I find that so funny ^^
    Anyways :hug: for all
     
  5. Ann

    Ann Well-Known Member

    Thank you all for your support:smile:

    I already have that in mind a lot. I didn't repeat it only because of my friend who doesn't want me to and because I'm still a bit afraid. But sometimes I have this big thrill and all I want is to take life out of me...
     
  6. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    Dont get in to the habbit of doing it. Before it comes addictive and your way of coping look at other coping methods. I should have before it became a problem. The first time I cut properly was when I was really angry and upset (they merge in to one thing with me). I have seen people about it and as it has got to be my way of coping nothing else seems to work. Go and see your doctor who will refer you on to someone about it before it is a pattern that you cant get out of. There are plenty of websites out there that give advice or next time you feel like cutting look them up and try the other methods 1st.
    xxx
     
  7. Zurkhardo

    Zurkhardo Well-Known Member

    Did anything in particular trigger this action hun?
     
  8. jane doe

    jane doe Well-Known Member

  9. Ann

    Ann Well-Known Member

    Thank you. I read this thing. It helped me realise how serious it was...

    I didn't do it again thanks to my friend who told me to call or text her everytime I want to cut.
    Actually, now I don't want to die anymore. I know lot of people would be sad if I did and I've been thinking about what I did.
    I don't want to cut again. Though I have sometimes a weard feeling in the wrist and around it (it's where I cut myself). It's not really a pain or a inch. It's more like my wrist is feeling nub when I don't feel that well. When I have this feeling is the time when it's tempting to cut virtually and when I'm doing my best to destract myself.
    I've been doing good last day. I've eaten normally (because I also starved myself for 3 days) and I'm willing to get better. Last night I didn't have this weard feeling big enough to be overwelming.
    Do you also have this feeling? What do you think it is?
     
  10. jane doe

    jane doe Well-Known Member

    well i do have that feeling and you will have it for a long time, unforunately, i surrender once after about 6 months of not doing it and now i can´t control it anymore. The best you can do its to call your friend and go out, or just to walk alone to avoid the feeling, because its very temptating;)
    Best of luck;)
     
  11. Zurkhardo

    Zurkhardo Well-Known Member

    Excellent job hun, you should be proud. Getting over the hardest temptation is a pretty good start!
     
  12. Ann

    Ann Well-Known Member

    Thank you for you encouragements Jane Doe and Zurkhardo :smile:
    The feeling is slowly fading away and I'm resolved to not surrender again. But it feels good to know you've been there too (or you still are, and I support you).
    I know what can happen the next time I'll feel sad... So I guess I'm gonna have to stay vigilant. It's something so out of control when it happens...
    So thank you again!
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 13, 2008
  13. lilella44

    lilella44 Well-Known Member

    please try hard not to do it again.
    i cut for the first time about two years ago, and then found i couldnt stop.
    now i have hundreds of ugly scars on my arms and legs.

    there are so many other healthier, better ways to take out your pain.
    trust me, as good as it feels, cutting is definitely not the answer.
     
  14. blade

    blade Well-Known Member

    yes agree cutting does feel good, and well done. u didnt cut again! :p

    dont hun!
    theres a thread somewhere bout deistractions. try them!
    divert ur mind, do something u like, to stop thinking about ur probs!

    xxoo
     
  15. jane doe

    jane doe Well-Known Member

    We are here whenever you need us !!! try to not stay alone=)
     
  16. Ann

    Ann Well-Known Member

    I stayed one month without cutting.
    But I did it again last night...

    I didn't bear to see my scar disappear last week. But I resisted 'till last night.
    But last night, my friend who I told about my wrist, came back from a week of vacation and told me she would have like to stay there and that she was going in vacation this summer for 3 weeks and that we won't be able to talk like we're used to. I felt rejected and lonely and I cut:sad: :booboo:

    I did want to die or something like that this time. I just wanted to cut. And the truth is, I'm not that sorry I did it:shy:

    I don't want to do it again now, but I kinda like having my scar back:shy:
     
  17. jane doe

    jane doe Well-Known Member

    This is the point where self harming gets dangerous hun, when you stop feeeling bad about it, why didn`t you post here? i don`t know why i ask, i know the answer..you posted after because you don`t want to be stopped. Now that your scar has come back, it will take more time to it before it dissapears adn that`s good if that allowsyou to not do it untill it dissapears, but the first step to stop is to try to control yourself and look some help here before you do it. Now that you`ve started again it will be harder to stop, think aboutsomething to encourage you to not do it, and come here for help if you don`t have your friend around^^
    the feeling of wishing to die that you have is to make yourself believe that self harm is not so bad as it, i discovered it later, Pm me if you need to talk, i`ll be gone to sleep now because i just came from work,but i`ll reply as soon as i can, youre not alone if you can come here at any time^^
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 9, 2008
  18. Ann

    Ann Well-Known Member

    Sorry, I made a typo. I wanted to write that this time I didn't wanted to die at all, which is different from the first time.
    I was feeling bad, but not as bad as before.
    I really realise that I wanted to live.

    Thank you jane doe.
    I know the second cut means I might do it again later.
    The thing is I cut for the scar. And shame on me I'm glad it came back.
    And I know you're right, I should ask help before doing it and not after...
     
  19. jane doe

    jane doe Well-Known Member

    you may not believe how do we seem each other, i llike scars, andthat`s one of the worst things that can happens, i make creative scars because i love them and you may think that after all this time i hated them, well no.. i started loving my scars more and more, and i even feel kinda proud of them, i don`t worry if people sees them, so i stopped worrying about the first thing that a Self harmer should worry If you like scars it will be harder when you stop seing them,. Try drawing with a black or red pen in your arms sometimes it helps, i`m sure if i made a tatoo, this thing will be over, but i really don`t want it to stop, so i never tattooed me^^
     
  20. Ann

    Ann Well-Known Member

    I draw it with a marker one time last week when I realised it was gone. It kinda helped.

    Actually, it starts getting dangerous when I don't have it and I'm getting sad or angry.
    The worst is that I really thought I wouldn't do it again before the scar disappears. I even took care of it even if it wasn't a big thing.
    But now, I realised that I like to see my pain on my body, even if it's a little scar. I know that I should not be needing to see it to know it exists but I'm still not able to see it disappears. At the same time, I don't want go to see a shrink. I know what's wrong with me and I also know how it could go right or at least better. But I still like to see on my skin that I'm suffering at least every now and then.

    What scares me to do it more often or just to repeat it is the idea of having to justify this to friends or just to myself (because I totally know it does nothing good).

    At this moment, I don't plan on cutting again.
    I'll do my best to prepare myself to the disparition of this scar and be able to live with(out) it.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 9, 2008
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