first love

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by poison, Aug 28, 2009.

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  1. poison

    poison Well-Known Member

    and my only love... it's been a year since we've broke up but yet i still think of her almost daily. i feel pathetic but i just can't stop. she always pops up in my head... always. we go to the same school and when i pass her i can't look at her for longer than 3 seconds, and i can't bear to make eye contact longer than a second with her. i see a part of her that no one else does, and her eyes glare deep inside me, into the bastard of a boyfriend she knew at the time. i treated her so horribly... how could i do that to her? i feel like i lost a part of me when it was over, and i feel like that part is still missing. i don't know if it resides within her, myself, or someone else entirely, i really can't say.

    when i see her i feel like she's unlocking a part of me, when i hear her i swear she's invading my thoughts, and when she passes me i get that incredibly strong deja vu. as weird as it sounds, i think some part of me will always love her. i don't look at her the same as my other ex's either, i don't look at her the same as any other person. it's in a different light entirely. i feel horrible when i remember how badly i treated her, i feel like a big part of me has been made from that resentment, that pure hate for my old self. am i creepy for this...? :sad:
     
  2. LDA

    LDA Well-Known Member

    You're not a creepy, I feel the same way about my ex and we've only been broken up for a few weeks. Oh god... if it keeps going that long... I dunno if I can take it. :( I dunno. I applaud you for making it that long. I really do. It's a horrible, horrible, horrible feeling to lose someone you love that much. It's like your heart has been ripped from your chest and she's holding it hostage. :(
     
  3. poison

    poison Well-Known Member

    yeah it's really painful for me to recall the memories, i'm trying not to cry because i hate that feeling when i get teary eyed :/ how old are you and how long did you date your girl? i know how it feels to lose someone you care about. i just feel horrible because it was my fault for about 80% of it... :(
     
  4. LDA

    LDA Well-Known Member

    I'm seventeen and I dated her for a few months.. She's a great girl, she just... never loved me, I think. I love her though. Yeah, it was my fault too. I was horrible to her. :( I wish I could take it back, you know? I'd do anything to take it back. I didn't know I was being so bad to her. I thought I was making her happy.
     
  5. poison

    poison Well-Known Member

    i was probably the most manipulative and jealous guy ever. i hate using the 'A' word, but i could have easily been considered as an emotionally abusive boyfriend. i was 13-15 the time and i dated her for like 14 months. :/ i give her props just for putting up with me that long. god i treated her horribly... like, how could i fuck up so bad? i would give anything to go back and just beat the shit out of myself. it wouldn't change anything probably, but i'd feel so much better i guess. but also, i guess i would give anything to go back to one of our good nights... a night where i wasnt being a complete dickkhead... a night when it was just me and her laying out on her trampoline at night, cuddled and looking at the night sky. the way she conformed to my body, the way her voice sounded in my ear, the feel of her lips. i cant stand thinking about this sometimes :(

    so... she never loved you? why not? what did you do that was so bad if you don't mind me asking? :(
     
  6. LDA

    LDA Well-Known Member

    Man, your story sounds exactly like mine. I'd go back and punch myself repeatedly for even being such a dickhead to a girl that I loved that much. You don't know what you've got until it's gone, and now that it's gone I just want to kick the shit out of that guy that was so ignorant of her feelings.

    I dunno if she never loved me. She has this new guy now and she's acting like she never loved me, if she did. Completely ignores me, tells me 'fuck you' every other sentence on text messages.

    I treated her horribly, I was jealous and if she was talking to anyone but me, I'd cuss her out until she'd talk to me. If she was going to hang out with her guy friends, I had to belittle them and point out all their flaws to make sure she wouldn't cheat on me with them. I was just... an asshole to her.
     
  7. poison

    poison Well-Known Member

    i never got angry but i would just wallow in self pity and just ugh i hated myself back then and looking back i hate the person that hated themself, and for good reason. yeah i'd always try to keep her away from other people, and if she was trying to hang with other people i'd act sullen to keep her to myself. like basically she was under the impression i had clinical depression so she thought it was somewhat serious, but it was just a mechanism to control her.

    i remember the first actual convo i had with her about a day or two after we broke up. it was over IM and the part that sticks out the most to me even now is when she said "a part of me will always love you." she could just never tell me i was being selfish, that i was being horrible... but to be honest i didnt expect her to. i don't have her phone number, if i did i wouldn't text her. it would be so awkward to talk to her, i don't even want to, she probably doesn't either because of all the bad memories i've given her. i lost someone so special, and it hurts to know that it was my fault. i did it. :(
     
  8. LDA

    LDA Well-Known Member

    I know exactly how you feel, man. But be proud of yourself. You've made it farther than I ever will. You rock, man! :)
     
  9. poison

    poison Well-Known Member

    nah man, trust me, if there's one thing i'm glad someone told me, it's that life goes on. it's not all over just because she's gone. sure, it's going to hurt really bad for a long time, and you're always going to have that emotional scar, but life goes on and gets better (or at least liveable again). i don't rock at all, i'm just a chump feeling sorry for themselves over shit that happened forever ago.
     
  10. LDA

    LDA Well-Known Member

    Eeeeh, it affects different people in different ways, but it's really good to get that far.
     
  11. poison

    poison Well-Known Member

    if you want you can PM me.
     
  12. LDA

    LDA Well-Known Member

    Eh, I'm fine, man.
     
  13. jacknife

    jacknife Guest

    The problem is you were head-over-heels-in-love. That's nothing to be proud of, it's a disease. You need to dislike the person you're with a little for a relationship to really work. Personally, I'd go for a bitchy girl who enjoys picking on me over a lovestruck airhead any day.
     
  14. poison

    poison Well-Known Member

    tbh i disagree with that sentiment a lot but i won't go into it.
     
  15. LDA

    LDA Well-Known Member

    I disagree as well. If you've never been head-over-heels for someone, don't talk about it as if you know what you're talking about.
     
  16. poison

    poison Well-Known Member

    well i think he was trying to say that we didn't really love them, we were just infatuated. i've heard people use "heads over heels love" interchangeably with infatuation.
     
  17. LDA

    LDA Well-Known Member

    Trust me, it isn't infatuation. I've felt both.
     
  18. Aurora Gory Alice

    Aurora Gory Alice Well-Known Member

    Have you guys ever thought about apologising?

    Personally I've never been in love but I have let down a friend, treated her badly. This girl was my best friend, she stuck with me through everything and I treated her like shit, I basically mentally (and once physically) abused her. I was so so mean to her and it tore me up inside for ages. I had to speak to my counsellor about it because when I lost her I was a wreck for so long. You never really know what you have until it's gone and I loved my friend, although it was a different kind of love she was kinda all I had and I abused that.

    My therapist told me to write her a letter apologising. Although not to get my hopes up that we could be friends again because likelihood is while people can forgive, they never forget. But her forgiveness alone allowed me to move on.

    Maybe you guys could try and do the same. A letter is easier than face to face because when people are looking you in the eye, body language gets in the way and you can look or seem insincere because of your nerves when that isn't the case at all, and of course the other person might pick up on that and feel like your apology was a bullshit move to get them back.

    A letter can explain everything you want to say without the risk of the person getting up and leaving. Likelihood is they will read it to the end even if they don't want to. And you can get everything out, everything you have wanted to say and truly apologise and explain yourself. Maybe then it'll help you guys with some closure.
     
  19. poison

    poison Well-Known Member

    well it's a good point but it's far too late now. i already tried apologizing, i've tried many times during the first week or two after the breakup. she probably doesn't even think about me anymore, lol.
     
  20. LDA

    LDA Well-Known Member

    I tried. I did my best. She doesn't want me anymore. I don't blame her.
     
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