Hi guys. This is my first forum post here. I don't want to get into all the details right now, but I've been having a rough time for about three years. Suicidal thoughts didn't really occur for me until last year. Tonight I just got into another really big fight with my parents about my future. Afterwards, I felt unworthy and had thoughts along the lines of, "What if I just ended it? It would be so much easier". I thought I would just write my thoughts down just to see if I felt any better. I don't really but here they are. Maybe someone can relate to my situation. Any advice would be appreciated: High school. Same story as middle school. Bruise easy so ostracize myself from everybody. I am quiet. Don’t talk to me, and I won’t talk to you. Don’t hurt me. Just leave me alone. Walls fortified by silence, hung head, hiding. Pretend it’s impenetrable. Just don’t hurt me. But I’m always hurting. What is wrong with me? I am not good enough. Except at one thing. A language. I actually feel…something. A small spark alights beneath the surface…Probably saves my life. So, I leave. Fly to the other side of the world. Fly away from this godforsaken hellhole. Truly happy for the first time. Even proud of myself. This country gives me strength and hope and happiness. Good at something and recognized for it. I am finally somebody. I am. It ends. Of course it does. I knew it would. Just didn’t know how hard it would be to go back. Back to drab high school. Back to being nothing. Briefly emerged confidence shot dead in back alley. Nobody cares that I’m back. There’s no place like home. High school graduation. Apathy. Ready to leave. Promises to keep in touch are made between me and few friends. Haven’t talked to them in years. College will be better they say. Best time of your life. Hate this place. Hate these blank-eyed people who bury themselves in sex, drugs and alcohol. Hate how popularity contests still run rampant and screaming through the bar scenes, classes, fraternities, sororities, dorms…anywhere and everywhere. Dance, you stupid monkeys. Hate how these, all-knowing, self-righteous assholes strive to be on the cast of Jersey Shore. Hate them all. Nothing has changed. Worst of all I’ve learned nothing that I couldn’t have taught myself. Best time of my life? Does life truly get worse from here? Kill me now. Teachers range from tyrannical assholes to actually supportive. Not much gray area, though. Two teachers completely fuck me over. Because of college system can’t take a class that would significantly help my endeavor to not be on this side of the planet anymore. Godammit. I hate this wasteland. No way out. I will die here. Now. About to graduate. Dual major in Business and a Foreign Language. I work at McDonald’s. Live to serve over-entitled soccer moms and their demon spawn, methheads, fatasses, curmudgeonly old people and potheads. Constantly yelled at by managers, coworkers and, of course, the customers. All for the gratifying price of $7.25 per hour. Each McDonald’s register has a black-and-white sticker pasted at the top that reads: “Smile smile smile”. One semester left. No prospects. Nothing to live for. No friends. Family is mad at me. So am I. Nothing changes. Perpetual cycle of bullshit. Angry at everybody. Angry at myself. Don’t want to go home. Don’t want to talk. Don’t want to see how everybody’s more successful than me. Don’t want to work at shitty, thankless, minimum wage job. Don’t want to wake up tomorrow. So tired.