First post; Suicidal Thoughts & Struggle with Depression

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Sarah100, Jul 31, 2012.

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  1. Sarah100

    Sarah100 New Member

    Hi guys. This is my first forum post here. I don't want to get into all the details right now, but I've been having a rough time for about three years. Suicidal thoughts didn't really occur for me until last year. Tonight I just got into another really big fight with my parents about my future. Afterwards, I felt unworthy and had thoughts along the lines of, "What if I just ended it? It would be so much easier". I thought I would just write my thoughts down just to see if I felt any better. I don't really but here they are. Maybe someone can relate to my situation. Any advice would be appreciated:

    High school. Same story as middle school. Bruise easy so ostracize myself from everybody. I am quiet. Don’t talk to me, and I won’t talk to you. Don’t hurt me. Just leave me alone.

    Walls fortified by silence, hung head, hiding. Pretend it’s impenetrable. Just don’t hurt me. But I’m always hurting. What is wrong with me? I am not good enough.

    Except at one thing. A language. I actually feel…something. A small spark alights beneath the surface…Probably saves my life.

    So, I leave. Fly to the other side of the world. Fly away from this godforsaken hellhole.

    Truly happy for the first time. Even proud of myself. This country gives me strength and hope and happiness. Good at something and recognized for it. I am finally somebody. I am.

    It ends. Of course it does. I knew it would. Just didn’t know how hard it would be to go back.

    Back to drab high school. Back to being nothing. Briefly emerged confidence shot dead in back alley. Nobody cares that I’m back. There’s no place like home.

    High school graduation. Apathy. Ready to leave. Promises to keep in touch are made between me and few friends. Haven’t talked to them in years.

    College will be better they say. Best time of your life.

    Hate this place. Hate these blank-eyed people who bury themselves in sex, drugs and alcohol. Hate how popularity contests still run rampant and screaming through the bar scenes, classes, fraternities, sororities, dorms…anywhere and everywhere. Dance, you stupid monkeys.

    Hate how these, all-knowing, self-righteous assholes strive to be on the cast of Jersey Shore. Hate them all. Nothing has changed. Worst of all I’ve learned nothing that I couldn’t have taught myself. Best time of my life? Does life truly get worse from here? Kill me now.

    Teachers range from tyrannical assholes to actually supportive. Not much gray area, though. Two teachers completely fuck me over. Because of college system can’t take a class that would significantly help my endeavor to not be on this side of the planet anymore.

    Godammit. I hate this wasteland. No way out. I will die here.

    Now. About to graduate. Dual major in Business and a Foreign Language. I work at McDonald’s.

    Live to serve over-entitled soccer moms and their demon spawn, methheads, fatasses, curmudgeonly old people and potheads. Constantly yelled at by managers, coworkers and, of course, the customers. All for the gratifying price of $7.25 per hour. Each McDonald’s register has a black-and-white sticker pasted at the top that reads: “Smile smile smile”.

    One semester left. No prospects. Nothing to live for. No friends. Family is mad at me. So am I. Nothing changes. Perpetual cycle of bullshit. Angry at everybody. Angry at myself. Don’t want to go home. Don’t want to talk. Don’t want to see how everybody’s more successful than me. Don’t want to work at shitty, thankless, minimum wage job. Don’t want to wake up tomorrow.

    So tired.
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    HI Sarah and welcome...maybe after college you can join the Teachers Training Initiative to get your teaching certificate and teach language...lots of inner schools need bright teachers and this type of field and others within the helping field can renew the 'spark' you so desperately are looking for...keep to your program without judgement...someone who seems like s/he is not caring my also be struggle with his/her own demons...stick to your incident came to mind as I was reading your post: many years ago, I was working in a facility where the clients were supposedly of sub-normal intellegence...I was a new clinican, but out to help the world...a very involved young lady, who I was treating got very angry at me, and said, "do you ever listen?" from that day on, I understood that I never will know where the wisdom is...make plans now for when you graduate and see what work it may take to feel safer in the world...I used to walk on the other side of the street and preferably when dark, if someone was coming down the street ( a bit of paranoia mixed with wriddling anxiety)...all the best and find what you had as far as excelling in language for the long term
  3. JV3

    JV3 Well-Known Member

    Hey, Sarah! I understand the anger and frustration you're experiencing. I wasn't popular in high school and looked forward to "being free" in college, but at first I found it to be a lot like high school. As a matter of fact, I was even lonelier there because I had no friends and didn't know how to make friends.

    I was an English major with hopes of teaching creative writing and publishing books and poetry for the rest of my life, but straight out of college I wound up having to take a job at Dollar General. I was completely humiliated at first, and I had a hard time dealing with the fact I barely had enough money to pay rent and was getting minimum wage. When I was able to move out of my college town and move back to my home town, I felt like I would land a better job, but the only job I could get was to transfer to another Dollar General. I worked at Dollar General for over two years after college before another opportunity opened up.

    I think college is very overrated in a lot of ways. Don't get me wrong, I am all for people bettering themselves and getting a better education with opportunities for good work, but the whole culture of college is like high school. I think people are gradually getting less and less mature, and that's why I think you see the decadence that exists today. From reading your post, you seem very mature and intelligent; so, I can see being surround by the opposite both at school and work can be very frustrating.

    If I could encourage you, though, I'll say that despite me not being in the best place financially and still struggling with depression, one thing I like about life post-college is more so than any other time before I am in control of my surroundings. I don't have to go to class with people I don't like anymore or hang out near places with a bunch of drunk frat idiots. Now I don't have control over everything at work, but I believe with what you've probably experienced at McDonald's you would be prepared for nearly any work situation. Like I said before, you seem really smart and mature, and I can't tell you when, but in the real world those two things matter a lot. Eventually those two things will get you somewhere and you'll finally find peace in your life. Just be patient, graduate, and when you're out of college just see how far you'll take yourself. Good luck to you!

    - J
  4. Sarah100

    Sarah100 New Member

    I read through your comments and have taken them to heart. Thank you for the kind words. I've been feeling a bit better.
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