I am turning 40 in about a week and have suffered anxiety from my earliest memories and depression since my early teens. In my early 20's I sought treatment; all the pills, talk therapy, group therapy, self-help, hypnosis… the symptoms only ebb and flow. I've seen more psychiatrists and therapists than Joan Rivers has seen plastic surgeons! I have always had fleeting suicidal thoughts, but as I have gotten older these thought are more frequent and "real". I feel like this is because my illness has never really been under control and I fear it never will be. Again, as I have gotten older it has damaged my life considerable. It feel it keeps me from a relationship, I've lost friends, contact with family members, I was also terminated from my last two jobs due to it and after the last job I have not been able to find another. This only circles around to the exacerbation of my illness due to (shortly) not being able to afford my medications or mortgage leaving me with the thought "how do I get out of becoming a mentally unstable homeless person" and I fear there is only one option. Am I alone? I really don't know what to do, I feel so scared and alone.