First post

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by vegasbaby, Jul 1, 2008.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. vegasbaby

    vegasbaby Member

    I should count my blessings and be happy to be alive; just can't get there.
    It's almost like how I judge how a relationship with a girlfriend is going...if your unhappy with that person more than your happy, it's time to move on.
    Well, for years now, that's how I have felt about life. Not to be selfish, even though I am, (I think we all are in some ways), I am really going to miss whatever the future holds if I go through with it. Other than that, it seems like it would be such a relief to not deal with the constant depression, etc. that plauge my everyday life.
    I have my health. I have great friends that love me, that would do anything in the world for me. I can't understand why I cant get out of this funk that has been 90% of my life for the past decade or so.
    Why can't I count my blessings? Why can't I be happy for what I have and not depressed? Why wont any anti-depressants work on me? Why, why, why.....
    Anyhow, like I said in the title, first post. I didn't even plan to do anything like this today. Never posted at a site like this, never thought I would, but here I am.
    I almost feel like I need to digest what I've written here so far, and then come back with, well, hopefully a better outlook.
    I am totally open to anyone who wants to try to talk some sense into me. Maybe give me that reason for living that I'm just not getting anymore.
    And I don't mean to be negative about anybodys a matter of fact I envy people who have faith. I mean what a deal, you die, you go to heaven, paradise, whatever....who in the world wouldn't want to believe those things.
    But, unfortunately, I'm one w/o faith. I think when you die it's game over and I would appreciate it that if you are going to send me any feedback you lay off the faith stuff, it really almost infuriates me that people wont respect my being agnostic or athiest or whatever. I respect that your Christian, Buddist, whatever, please do the same for me.
    Thanks for reading,
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 1, 2008
  2. Insignificant

    Insignificant Account Closed

    simon :welcome: to the forum. i'm glad you voiced how you're feelin' here. we'll do the best we can to help ya. i'm sorry to hear you feel so down about so much. please just keep hangin' on and spellin' the shit out for us here. we'll listen. please please take care and stay safe
  3. ToddMAdl

    ToddMAdl Well-Known Member

    I know how you feel. I get angered by the religion too because I'm not religious and I don't think there's an afterlife. I hope there is though. I'm also one who grew up in a healthy,normal household with loving parents. Probably though because of brain chemistry I've been depressed since being 5 or 6. I didn't know it was that but all my life I've just always wanted to be fulfilled and having something better than now. I started having suicidal thoughts at the age of nine. I even went as far as putting a knife to my temple and telling my mom I wanted to die resulting in my parents having me see my first psychologist for anger and that episode with my parents. Today, I'm still angry, sad,depressed and I still see a psychologist and psychiatrist. But I still live for the hope that things will get better. I still think life sucks and I hate jumping through hoops for all sorts of things because I think it's a waste of time since we all die. But I still want to experience different things and hopefully meet the woman for me and have a real life and actually have a life that is happy and fulfilling. I just want to know what it feels like again to be truly happy again in the long-term. That's the reason to live.
  4. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Vegasbaby,
    there is a fine line between life or death. Alot of people choose death because they are done struggling with it. You will find most people on the forum have attempted at least once.(don't misunderstand I'm not saying you need to attempt) I feel really good for those who don't try to end it.
    You will have advice and support to help guide you to the path of life. If you don't have a therapist you might want to get one. They will teach you coping skills and other methods to fight the depression. The two I use most of the time are positive self talk and visualization(picturing you are somewhere calm and sereen.) They along with my meds and my therapist half ass keep me stable. I have other problems that I won't get into it.
    I wish you welcome and hope you find the answers you are seeking....:chopper:....
  5. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    Firstly welcome to the forums.

    Perhaps there is something genetic or internal about the source of your depression. Either way it's tough but just know that it's best to keep on living life cuz then you still have the power to overcome your turmoils.
  6. vegasbaby

    vegasbaby Member

    Dear Mystic Eyes,
    Thanks for your reply. I've never attempted suicide. I don't even think 99% of the people around me know whats going on inside my head, really I don't either. I have to assume, like you, it's a chemical imbalance, because nothing else really makes sense. I have one friend, inparticular, that has sooo many medical problems, plus he can't work, nobody will date him, etc., etc., and I think to myself, how in the world can I be "depressed", or suicidal when my buddy doesn't even complain!! It's a humbling experience, so much so, that he may be the reason I am still here. I would hate to disapoint him. And of course there is my dysfunctional (but loving) family. They are so co-dependant on me, that If I were to go through with it, it would destroy them. I feel like I'm keeping myself from doing anything more so for everybody else; but I guess in the big picture, whatever it takes is a good thing. I have this weird feeling everything is going to work out and I'll be happy again..problem is, I've been having this feeling for so many years; how many more do I have to wait? Can I hold out that long? I find myself often wishing for a true car accident or heart attack or something completely beyond my control to take care of it for me. I guess I'm just a big chicken at heart.
    Thanks again for your words!!
  7. vegasbaby

    vegasbaby Member

    O.K., still here. Got a hot date tonight. A girl who probably could make me want to go on living, but don't think she's into me 1/2 as I am into her; but isn't that how it usually works, one person likes the other more than the other and then the inevetable games. I've never been a game player. Don't want to be, actually refuse to be. That's probably why I'm still single at 41.
    Probably doesn't help that I'm incredibly shallow either. I think a lot more of us are, just few are willing to admit it, even to themselves. Anyhow, just getting to see her tonight makes everything allright, at least for a few hours. Problem is, if things don't go like I want them to tonight, then tomorrow will be one of those real rough ones, Life's a bitch.
    Anyhow, wish me luck on tonight; and I'm not talking about getting some (not that that wouldn't be a bad thing). But just wish me luck that maybe she will be another piece of the puzzle that allows me to think life is worth going on for, and not the other way around.
    Peace out y'all.
  8. vegasbaby

    vegasbaby Member

    Thanks for the quick note. Hopefully I'll have less and less shit to spill out as time goes on. I would like to 'graduate' from this site; but I mean 'graduate' as in not feeling suicidal anymore.
  9. vegasbaby

    vegasbaby Member

    Dear TODDMAdl,
    I'm glad I'm not the only non-religious person here, that I know of, so far. My depression started so late in life compared to yours, I can't even comprehend understanding depression at such a young age. But I do get the jumping through hoops thing bigtime!! It's almost a selfish feeling, at least for me, but I feel the same way you do, not miss anything! Find that woman!! All that stuff. I have this fear as soon as I go, everything will be o.k., and it will be too late. It's all just so crazy. Life's a bitch, then you marry one, then you die. Hopefully we will be able to get to that place of happiness again b4 it's too late, and experience all the great stuff that life has to offer.....we know it's there, just cant seem to get there.
  10. vegasbaby

    vegasbaby Member

    I wonder what the percentage of people on this site have attempted? Maybe it's because I'm a guy, I don't know. I guess I've just never understood the 'attempted'. If I was gonna do it, you better beleive it would be done; there would be no need for a second take.
    When people on this fourm talk about their meds, I assume they are talking about anti-depresants, anti-psycotic drugs (something to knock them out, essentially), but is there something else to seek out for help in this department? Because I have tried at least 6-7 SSRI's and a couple of the other one's can't remember the acronym for them......the one's that work on the other uptake inhibitor. With each one, I have had extrememly bad side effects from migranes that wont go away to extreme nausea. I have also tried like "amitriptyline", which makes me want to sleep 15 hours a day, unacceptable. So what are the options?? Are there any better choices?
  11. mortdesinos

    mortdesinos Well-Known Member

    I've been on Seroquel, which is an anti-psychotic, like you've mentioned. It is one of the drugs that knocks you out, but not all anti-psychotics are like that. Anyway, Seroquel has worked pretty well for me, very well actually, and while I'm still here, I don't envision that I will be for too much longer. But if none of these drugs are working, and you've been on each of them for at least a month or two, it doesn't mean there's no cure for you. In fact, medication isn't really a cure anyway. You may have to change your behaviors so that you can change your feelings and your mindset about life. Even people with chronic depression feel fine some of the time. When you're doing alright, figure out why, and when you're in a deep depression, remember that there's always the future. Two or three months of hell can feel like a year, but it's only a couple of months. Just do what you can so that you don't set yourself back too far in accomplishing your goals in life, like I did.
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.