first post

I don't want encouragement to live. That feels like poison...for me to keep doing the one thing that is sure to sustain my experience and not do the one thing that is sure to stop that experience. It used to be the more "emotionl" (for lack of a better term) i got, the more i wanted to die. Now, and for the last year, at a time when i am not in the middle of a complete emotional breakdown, and have truly come to understand the world around me being a projection of my own experience (i.e. i blame nothing and no one but myself for my experience)...... i cannot reconsile life itself. This is probably the best i have been emotionally in ten years (and that's sayin a lot), and i am more certain now more than ever that i want to die (or rather dont want to live). No matter which way i go, i feel worse than the other way, and vice versa. I find myself consistently in situations that before i would have though to be the answer... friends, family, etc ... and still in spite of everything "good" that i can label as "good" objectively, it feels bad. I have found, that for me, experience itself is the problem...not what anyone does or doesnt do, says or doesnt say, or what happens or doesnt happen. If that were the case then the answer is simple: just change my surrounds, change what happens, etc. I experience life irrationally, and now knowingly. It's as if my emotions have shit colored glasses...everything bad that should be bad feels bad, everything neutral and indifferent that should be indifferent feels bad, and everything good that should be good feels bad. At least before i could get lost in self pity and blame the world and everything made sense enough to keep going. I see now that there is no tomorrow, that what i experience each moment is what experience is going to be. There is no magic spell that will be cast when i sleep so that when i wake it's all different. I am going to have another 10 years of my life pass by in no time at all, every moment of it being an excruciating struggle to survive that must be overcome every moment. Very soon the idea of hope itself will be gone because the limitations of life will set in. I used to have grand dreams of an idea of happiness, now i know happiness for me is less emotions... just for the chance of life being what it is and not what my mind makes of it. For me knowing isn't half the battle...knowing is the battle's end. I want it all to stop. All of it. I wish i could do it. i really do. Some days i wish i would break down again just so that i may have the guts to finally do it then. There is never, ever, a moment's rest. There is no escape...not even in my dreams. My dreams are worse; everything that i feel is happening around me in real life actually happens in my dreams. I wake up exhausted wanting to die. I go to bed exhausted wanting to die. I live each moment terrified, wanting to die. And not death as a bad thing; it's what i day dream about...not sex, not money, not fame, but squeezing the trigger...it's my "happy" place. There is no escape. There is no rest. There is no break from all this. A living nightmare.

I know there's nothing any of you can do or say to help. I am all alone with what i think and feel. Everything that is seen of my is a lie because i present a lie. It's not going to be ok. It's never going to be ok. That this right now is the most ok i'm going to get... i wish i wasn't addicted to life, it's killing me (pun intended)

 

Hey Diggerjr, first and foremost, welcome to SF, hope you find some hope here in this place, it's out there for those who look for it.

You look to be really down and desperate, so I commend you to your strengh to come here and tell us of your situation, it goes to show that you're not 100% ready to give up, and that's what matters the most.

I'd like you to tell us alittle more about yourself, your past, what makes you feel so sad, what you like to do, are you studying? Working? Jobless? Any present situation hitting you hard? What do you feel exacty? Loneliness? Anxiety? Anything you wanna tell us...

The more we know about you, the better we can help you. Hope you stick around, it'll pay off, you'll see.

PS: Don't be offended but for the future, whenever you make a long post like that, remember to divide it by making empty lines now and then, it helps the reader to remain focus. I did read your entire post, but It would be easier if it was separated.

 

Everything you say in your post rings terrible bells in my head. From the knowing it's not what's out there but rather the way I'm experiencing it, to there being no escape, no rest - no space in my head where I'm safe from the inexorable knowing.

And I've taken that one quote from your post because that's exactly how I was, and still am. All that knowing and the knowing only serving to make everything so much more end of the line, instead of showing a way out.

But, and there had to be a but didn't there - that knowing is a lie. Or maybe better to say, it's not ALL there is to know, even though it seems that way.

I'm very clear about my head set-up, but that may not be what you mean. Maybe you could explain more about what's going on, if you feel like it?

Tam