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First post

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by MorganaNever, Nov 30, 2011.

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  1. MorganaNever

    MorganaNever Well-Known Member

    This is my first time I am talking about myself on a forum like this. I hope for something to help me but I doubt anything will.

    I had such a great life and bright future, I am completely alone now, with a person who took over my whole life and things are way too complicated to do anything. I made some bad choices and lost everything I had and now there is no way out.

    I have been more and more depressed for three years now, in anger I am getting closer and closer to committing suicide. I started hurting myself, but not for attention, just to be left alone. I am starting to scare myself, cause at least I always had some control and reason in me, but I don't see a point anymore.

    I don't see the point of trying, so much effort went to fight this depression I am ready to give up. I tried to pick myself up so many times, to use my iq to find a way, to be healthy... but all I want now is to drink and cry and die.

    I have a great mom and family who are far far away from me now and who would be ruined forever if they knew and if I did something. So funny, you grow up feeling so safe, nothing can go wrong when you have your family's support. Then you realize how little they can even handle and how fragile they are, and that no one is safe. That is my only reason to try to get help but otherwise life hurts so much.

    I feel completely trapped and it is all my fault. Every choice I can make will either hurt me or someone else. I just want something to save me but things are only getting worse and worse. I hate life, I hate everything, because I never could have imagined it can be so bad, so lonely and so cruel.

    I have no control over my emotions anymore and when I try to, it consumes me so much I can't find the desire to do anything else. I feel I simply lack something, the way people have different skills, there must be a skill for simply living life day to day, and I lack it. I don't know how.

    I am sorry for this rant, I understand I am vague and I don't even know where to start or how, or what I expect by trying this forum. It's just that I have no one to talk to, no friends, no one knows how I feel inside and how completely and terribly lost and messed up I am.
  2. GreyCat

    GreyCat Well-Known Member

    Hi Morgana, welcome to SF and sorry to hear you are feeling so low. YOu can message me anytime, I might not have an answer but will listen!! I hope that you will find the forum helpful. Hugs Dee
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi Morgan you say you are trapped i don't understand is it you are being abused or you are afraid to return home to the supportive people who love you. I do hope you continue to talk here hun We are listening you are not alone now okay so please know that. Keep posting so we can support you in anyway we know how hugs
  4. MorganaNever

    MorganaNever Well-Known Member

    Thank you so much for replying. It feels almost unreal that someone can or would listen to me. It seems almost like I don't know where to start or how but I will try to explain the basics of my situation. Understand I am very paranoid but I am pretty sure I can talk freely here.

    I keep trying to write my story and then deleting it, it seems so long and complicated. Ill try to really keep it brief for now.

    I met a person three years ago who got very close to me even though I was not ready for real committed relationships. That lead to me hurting this person at the very beginning of our story, cause I had a different relationship I wasn't ending right away and one drunk kiss with someone random. I understand many will now feel I completely deserve what happened after, if not worse, but what can I say. Things are different, I can't change what I did and I wish to every single day. Just this would take a much longer explanation of our situations and everything but I'm trying to sum it all up.

    After less than 2 months that I started something with this person I finally allowed myself to realize I really am in love for the first time in my life and I wanted to make everything right. I broke up that other relationship and was completely enthusiastic about what was happening to me.

    Unfortunately I didn't understand how badly the trust got damaged, and when my partner started calling me in a suicidal state (we also had a long distance relationship which of course didn't help) I was shocked by how much I hurt the person I loved. Slowly I stopped going out with friends in the evening cause he would always think something is happening. Slowly he had control over all my mails, everything actually. I stopped even seeing my female friends cause he didn't trust them.

    Now I understand that the way we started and the way things were he simply couldn't feel safe and I was trying, thinking it will eventually get ok. He is a good person who was madly in love with me from the start and who at his best would be the most loving and caring person ever. But because of me we started having insane fights, he would accuse me of much worse cheating and situations, he was always suspicious. He couldn't stop thinking about me, everyone I ever was with, I felt so guilty and terrible (I know I deserved it). Still I couldn't handle it.

    I had to finish my masters and after that we planned to get married so we can finally live together somewhere where we can both work (and for him it was America cause at least I speak English whereas he cant do much in my country).

    He met my family, I met his, I got very close to his over this whole time, we weren't long distance cause he would either be with me when I needed to be in my country for school or I would be with him when I was free. We were together all the time, but ups and downs were awful. I stopped having any friends at home. Anyone new wed meet wouldn't stick. He had his other problems too but no matter how much I changed (he knew before I would never want to get married to anyone or even see myself living with anyone), no matter how much I tried to show my love, he never trusted me again. He believes I am guilty for so much and nothing I say can change or prove he is wrong. I feel like he is a detective and I am a criminal and he is constantly try to catch me in crime.

    And even if he knows nothing will happen now he always feels he doesn't know the truth no matter how many excruciating conversations we had. I finally got my masters, married him, am in America now.

    I can't go and spend time with my family I'm so close with (ok they will come to see me eventually), It seems I will never be able to go back to my home town. HE hates it. I have no friends, I don't know what I will do with my career (again, another long story), basically have no one I talk openly with, I feel completely out of control when it comes to my life.

    Lately we don't fight as much about past but he gets so angry and critical and when any other situation causes arguments he goes back to the past and I end up doing things just to make him feel comfortable.

    But he is not evil, he has so much good and kind in him, I don't know what to do. I begged him so many times to leave me if he cant forgive me but he can't leave me. If I leave him maybe he would kill himself and I would never be able to go on. Or he would do something else that is stupid, either way its too far gone, I cant leave.

    With other things too, he killed my confidence and now Im somewhere where I feel so alone and still I cant go back. I don't know what to look forward to in the future. A family member I loved so much died, and for these 3 years I couldn't focus on much cause of all these ups and downs . My whole past and life before him feels erased.

    I have nothing to give me confidence here, I am too depressed to be active and somehow I always fall back down any time I try anything. I am becoming socially anxious, the emotional roller coaster of last few years made me tired and I cry almost every day. All I feel is guilt or hate, sadness or frustration. Ironically frustration and anger are at least making me feel more alive, most of the time I feel simply not there fully. Like I am disappearing more and more.

    He has it hard too, and our mutual depressions kill us. Then we try to be so overly happy for each other and smile and it gets nice and warm in those moments but we cant build ourselves back and any attempt for life outside is impossible. He has a crazy life, even before me, and to explain him would be another novel.

    So I cant leave, I cant stay, I cant die cause of my mom, I cant live. It hurts all the time. I went from being a successful student with great friends, family and life that seemed full of chances and excitement to being completely lonely, depressed, with nothing to feel proud for and limited options.

    I feel there is so much more to explain but I hope I managed to show the basics of the situation.
  5. 1Lefty

    1Lefty Well-Known Member

    yes, you're in a good place here
  6. MorganaNever

    MorganaNever Well-Known Member

    I wouldn't say I'm abused because my partner doesn't do it with malice and there is really no physical abuse. Yes there is emotional/verbal one (pretty constant), but I believe everyone is capable of abusive behavior. He isn't an abuser but his issues create abusive situations, and well, I myself am not very stable recently.

    Same person is also the only one who knows me and comforts me in the whole mess.

    I can't go back because if I go back alone, he would think I am cheating on him. He can't handle going with me at this point (as is lately resenting my family). So going back is the same as leaving him which I don't think is something I can do.
  7. EarToHelp

    EarToHelp Member

    Ok, well... I have only just joined this forum.

    Here is a reason to trust me hopefully. I consider myself a very compassionate guy and have so much to offer. I do not have depression myself but I am a very complicated person. I love people way too much and have always been walked all over. I am very shy and have anxiety problems because of this.

    Anyway, I have decided tonight that I have a lot to offer people in need, I have been beaten down by so many things in life but remained optimystic through it all.

    The thing is, I really do have all the time in the world to help people like you and this world is an AMAZING place. There is always something to be achieved by holding on. Situations change and things get difficult, but when you strip away all the "human traits" and just consider the world for all it's beauty and mystery, then it gives you reason to carry on.

    Together, I hope we can get through your tough situation and realise the splenda of this universe. I will do my absolute best to get my head around how you feel.

    By the way - hi everyone on the forum xx Will give some more of my background tomorrow.

    Note: (despite not suffering depression, I am in a very difficult situation with my gf, she doesn't trust me and I am trapped, not being able to work and socialize either - more on that tomorrow)
  8. MorganaNever

    MorganaNever Well-Known Member

    I am glad there are people like you, and now that I look a bit at other posts on this forum, it feels like a very supportive, warm place filled with good people.

    I understand what you are saying, about wanting to offer something to people in need. If there is one thing I gained trough being depressed, it is that I started seeing other people in a different way, and became aware of the huge struggle most everyone has. I never felt bigger need to connect with others, help if I can, reach out.

    So many strangers in this world have the same huge need to be understood and to connect, world shouldn't be such a lonely place like it seems to be on the nights like this.

    I would like to talk to you too and would be glad to read more when you post tomorrow.
  9. crystalclear

    crystalclear Well-Known Member

    I've only been a member for a couple of hours but this forum is making such an impact in my life. I feel like Im about to cry because what you're feeling right now MorganaNever, well I've felt it too. I hope that you get to find your happiness too. Perhaps moving closer to your family even for a short period of time will help you to feel better. And hiding things from people who love and care about you could drive you into the corner even more. Please talk to someone who loves you and who will listen to you without judgments or you could always post here. There are a lot of people here who cares :)
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