This is my first time I am talking about myself on a forum like this. I hope for something to help me but I doubt anything will. I had such a great life and bright future, I am completely alone now, with a person who took over my whole life and things are way too complicated to do anything. I made some bad choices and lost everything I had and now there is no way out. I have been more and more depressed for three years now, in anger I am getting closer and closer to committing suicide. I started hurting myself, but not for attention, just to be left alone. I am starting to scare myself, cause at least I always had some control and reason in me, but I don't see a point anymore. I don't see the point of trying, so much effort went to fight this depression I am ready to give up. I tried to pick myself up so many times, to use my iq to find a way, to be healthy... but all I want now is to drink and cry and die. I have a great mom and family who are far far away from me now and who would be ruined forever if they knew and if I did something. So funny, you grow up feeling so safe, nothing can go wrong when you have your family's support. Then you realize how little they can even handle and how fragile they are, and that no one is safe. That is my only reason to try to get help but otherwise life hurts so much. I feel completely trapped and it is all my fault. Every choice I can make will either hurt me or someone else. I just want something to save me but things are only getting worse and worse. I hate life, I hate everything, because I never could have imagined it can be so bad, so lonely and so cruel. I have no control over my emotions anymore and when I try to, it consumes me so much I can't find the desire to do anything else. I feel I simply lack something, the way people have different skills, there must be a skill for simply living life day to day, and I lack it. I don't know how. I am sorry for this rant, I understand I am vague and I don't even know where to start or how, or what I expect by trying this forum. It's just that I have no one to talk to, no friends, no one knows how I feel inside and how completely and terribly lost and messed up I am.