first time here - long read

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by listless, Sep 10, 2011.

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  1. listless

    listless Banned Member

    Hi, I'm glad to have found this site. I've thought about suicide almost every single day since I was 18 years old till now, nearing 40 (though I've thought about suicide as young as 13). I've had many happy times where I've felt on top of the world and really engaged in life but most of these times have been unhappy and other times downright terrible-enough to wish my life was over.

    The past few years have been the absolute worst, largely because I haven't had a job and my family has experienced some serious crises (which thankfully we're mostly overcome) and I'm now doing all I can to find decent work, but not having much luck.

    It's my personal belief that people who are suicidal are probably some of the best humans you'll know because they are in touch with themselves and understand life better than most people ever will.

    Every once in a while I get suicidal feelings because of how bad my present circumstances are but fortunately I know of a few ways of not being in that state of thinking and I thought I'd mention them here in case it might help others.

    In my case I think about all the years I've struggled hard to get somewhere and still haven't-of course that is a good reason to 'end it all.' But I let go of the idea that I needed to achieve certain things, like getting married, have a house at this point and focused just on what I love about life and see it as a ride to enjoy, rather than a series of stages to complete.

    Sometimes I get extremely emotional, to the point of feeling anxiety or panic attacks. That usually results from a chronic lack of sleep, so of course I try to get a few good night's sleep to catch up and it makes me feel normal again. Obviously eating right is very important also.

    It also results from very bad life situations that are hard to get away from-like the place I live at has been the biggest source of stress for me (and the family member I live with), but hopefully we'll be able to move soon and that will take care of some stress-though I know the next place will have it's own problems, but I don't think they'll be as bad as this one.

    As well it's important to avoid things that might make one feel depressed/suicidal-you have to be your own parent. I know these tips may be obvious to some people, but at least for me I've found them to be powerful influences that help me stay feeling normal.

    I think about the great times I've had in my life where I used to feel invulnerable and happy-I've made it my goal to return to that place in life, but I know I can't reach it until I've done a few key things like getting a job and then getting a girlfriend again.

    While I've had many setbacks in life there was 1 situation a few years ago where I very seriously contemplated committing suicide after the failure of something really important I was trying to achieve. For about 2 weeks I fell into a very deep depression with some anxiety-but in that period I realized that I still love life and no matter the challenges I have to overcome I still wanted to live.

    It got me through some other very hard patches since then. Because I stayed around, I helped my family members avoid ending up on the street and get back on their feet again (separately and for different reasons, such as one of them experiencing serious health issues.)

    However I think that 'capital' or incentive I had given myself to continue to live has nearly run out but I carry on because of people I love (like my mother) who could not get by without my support and that's a major reason I'm still around.

    Time flies really fast-even though it may not feel it. In my case some of the best years of my life (20s, 30s) have been wasted away because of bad decisions I've made or a bad economy or being pushed into situations at a younger age that I knew were wrong and resulted in bad outcomes for me later on.

    It also bothers me that in getting older I've become much less attractive to women than I used to be (having gained weight and experienced some hair loss) and I never really took full advantage of my good looks when I used to have it. I mean occasionally I still get checked out, but it was nothing like in my 20s and on.

    I'm hoping that in my 40s I will have at least attained the kind of lifestyle I've wanted for a long time and find some happiness-because after 50, I'm over the hill and will be getting closer to old age and death.

    Anyways, I've rambled on long enough, hope some of my suggestions have helped others or simply reading about my life perhaps it can help them change theirs to not end up where I am and thus avoid being in my emotional state.

    But the most important element tied to everything else is having a good job. While I've worked for many years, I haven't in the past few years (technically I have because I was self-employed but made very little income-so I gave that up and I've been searching hard for salaried work for the past year with no luck so far) and that's been the biggest mistake of my life and source of suffering...once I'm working my life should improve dramatically, though work has it's own problems, but still it's better to have a job than not to.

    XXXXXXXXXXXX
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 13, 2011
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    just want to say hi welcome to SF
    Noone i mean noone can forsee what future will bring them New meds new therapy to help people who are struggling new hope for people who have none We are a prolife site for the reason one may be suffering now but in a few months find a medication that brings their dreams and hope back to them.
     
  3. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    I'm glad you have found this site too! Welcome! :hug:
     
  4. listless

    listless Banned Member

    Thanks Total Eclipse. That is very true, about not knowing your future-you just have to try your best and hopefully your decisions will turn out to be good ones.

    I realize some people may have chemical imbalances so meds would be ideal for them. In my case I know my feelings come directly from my life situation...when things are going well, I'm happy, when they're not I'm down and if things get really bad, then of course I feel suicidal but I've gone through really hard situations and overcame those so unless I end up on the street one day, I don't think I'd be apt to give up on life-but anything is possible.

    I know once I change my circumstances (which I'm working on) I'll feel normal. Though I do sympathize with those whose lives are otherwise ok, except they still feel suicidal...I hope they find a way to feel whole and balanced again.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 11, 2011
  5. listless

    listless Banned Member

    Thanks Mr. Alex, pleased to be here and meet good people like yourself. :hug:
     
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