It's my first time on a forum like this. I don't know whether to feel pathetic or glad I found a place to go. It's been a long time since I've considered doing this. In my teen years, I made many attempts, and like with everything else in life, I failed. Things have been great the last 3 years, I married the man of my dreams, we have the house of our dreams...But this weekend it was like my life crashed. I don't even really know what caused it. I've been walking around like a zombie the last two days, telling myself I cannot do this. I cannot take this step. But the more I look around and think, the more I realize I really have nothing to live for but my husband. I have 1 friend, ONE, and I've never even met him face to face. I met him on an online game, and he has helped me through some rough times, but what is a virtual friend worth? I tried making friends with my husband's friends this weekend (he encouraged it) and I walked away feeling more outcast than I did before. I hate my job. My life consists of working, coming home and sitting at the computer. Just staring at a screen full of words with no meaning. I find myself frequently giving everyone else encouragement and advice, but my life is in shambles and no one notices, ever. I must hide it very well. I feel like I am stuck in a hole, there is a ladder, but I just can't remember how to use it. Maybe I don't want to. I cry myself to sleep every night, I cry on my way to work, I cry in the shower...No one knows me, no one really knows me. I don't know this pain, where it comes from. I just feel like a waste of blood and bones. I can be in a crowd of a million people and still feel alone. I can scream and still no one hears me. I am a lump of clay, disgarded due to unfavorable looks and colors. Tonight I am writing goodbye letters. I want my loved ones to know I did love and care. Life is just too scary for me, but I do not fear death. I don't know if I'll do it tonight, tomorrow, a week or a month from now, but it seems inevitable.