...first time here...

It's my first time on a forum like this. I don't know whether to feel pathetic or glad I found a place to go. It's been a long time since I've considered doing this. In my teen years, I made many attempts, and like with everything else in life, I failed. Things have been great the last 3 years, I married the man of my dreams, we have the house of our dreams...But this weekend it was like my life crashed. I don't even really know what caused it. I've been walking around like a zombie the last two days, telling myself I cannot do this. I cannot take this step. But the more I look around and think, the more I realize I really have nothing to live for but my husband. I have 1 friend, ONE, and I've never even met him face to face. I met him on an online game, and he has helped me through some rough times, but what is a virtual friend worth? I tried making friends with my husband's friends this weekend (he encouraged it) and I walked away feeling more outcast than I did before. I hate my job. My life consists of working, coming home and sitting at the computer. Just staring at a screen full of words with no meaning. I find myself frequently giving everyone else encouragement and advice, but my life is in shambles and no one notices, ever. I must hide it very well. I feel like I am stuck in a hole, there is a ladder, but I just can't remember how to use it. Maybe I don't want to. I cry myself to sleep every night, I cry on my way to work, I cry in the shower...No one knows me, no one really knows me. I don't know this pain, where it comes from. I just feel like a waste of blood and bones. I can be in a crowd of a million people and still feel alone. I can scream and still no one hears me. I am a lump of clay, disgarded due to unfavorable looks and colors. Tonight I am writing goodbye letters. I want my loved ones to know I did love and care. Life is just too scary for me, but I do not fear death. I don't know if I'll do it tonight, tomorrow, a week or a month from now, but it seems inevitable.

 

I'm glad you found SF. Thank you for sharing how you are feeling. I know it doesnt seem like much but you arent alone anymore. So many here know how you are feeling. Keep posting hun. It helps to know that someone else is reading and sharing your pain. Here you dont have to pretend to be someone you arent or pretend to be feeling things that you just cant. Keep getting the things out that you cant tell others in real life :arms:

 

Welcome. Your story bears a big resemblance to mine and others here. Keep coming back. You will find that posting and reading others posts will provide some relief. You may want to consider starting a diary here, public or private.

You shared how life was hard and then was a lot better for an extended period of time. This is a big indication that it can be better again.

Have you seen a doctor? I go to mental health and take medication as part of my personal program of managing recurring depression.

It takes time to work out your own path but it is worth it.

:hug:

 

Hello there. You've come to a good place - people here will understand your feelings and we'll be here for you when you need someone to scream to. Don't feel like online friends are meaningless, because we want to help you as much as we can from far away. I wish I could say something more reassuring...but I'm in bad shape myself tonight. I feel like anything I say would just be a bad influence. :/ Still - :hug:

 

I just wanted to say welcome to SF