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First time I'm reaching out. I'm afraid and unsure

Discussion in 'I Need Some Practical Advice' started by lipstix, May 24, 2017.

  1. lipstix

    lipstix Active Member

    Hi guys. This is my first thread and post on this site. I hope you guys can help me. I don't want to run away from my problems anymore or let my mind go to that scary place where some sick voice starts convincing me that suicide is an answer. I want to reach out.

    When I was 11 years old, I came home from school one day and my mother was dead. Since then, I've been struggling with PTSD and chronic depression. I've had a few "highs" (moments where I think I've finally kicked my demons to the curb and won) but I always end up plummeting back into the dark. I find it difficult to connect with people because they don't struggle like I do, and I know everyone hurts, but I can't help but hate them for taking their relatively better lives for granted. I can't open up to them, so I isolated myself for years.

    I thought that everything would turn around if I lived a healthier lifestyle. When I was 18, I got my TASC (the new, harder version of the GED) and I got the highest score in New York City. Despite the fact that I was a high school dropout with a disgusting GPA and an average of 60 absences per year, I was accepted to a really good business college in the city that has a program for kids who have the potential but come from socioeconomic backgrounds that hindered their high school success. (Tuh. I WISH my socioeconomic background was all that what was holding me back...) My old childhood friends who disappeared when my mom passed away reunited with me when they saw I was doing good (they mean well).
    I thought that this was it. I finally trumped my demons. I can finally be a normal person and be happy. I'm going to a great school and I have friends, how could I want to die?

    Things went great at first. But everything came crashing down soon enough. Depression just dragged me down by my ankles like it always does. It didn't need a reason. It didn't care that I was living a healthier lifestyle. And that's when I realized that I really had no clue what I was dealing with.
    The college I'm going to is very competitive, and being consumed with depressive thoughts and anxiety, hating the thought of waking up the next day and being around people, being hyper-sensitive to every little thing and imagining the worst in everyone and everything is kind of counterproductive to get good grades. I was floundering with my assignments and my grades and my attendance. I had been forcing myself to be a happier person in order to connect to my new friends, but it only made me start to hate them. There were relationships that went sour, and all my demons from before started catching up to me... It all felt like a noose being tied around me. I ended up doing what I've always done and that is isolate myself completely, like a coward. I cut off all of my friends and never showed up to college again. I failed all my classes in my first semester.

    In the program that I enrolled in at college, I was assigned a guidance counselor to guide me. She's a really nice lady. Somehow, she was able to crack me open enough and get me to tell her a little bit about my depression as I was floundering during the semester. I managed to send her an email telling her I wasn't going back to college and I never logged into my email again for the next several months.

    I should be in my second semester at college, but I've been a NEET at home. Too terrified to live my life. No social media. I don't even look in the mirror cus I don't want to be reminded that I'm a human being. I just want to sleep, sleep, sleep or immerse myself in the lives of people in TV shows or books. I did go through a very dark period where I contemplated just committing suicide. It's when I was googling how I would do it that I found this website and made an account... Things got better after that, I suppose. I still struggled, but I started writing diary entries and it changed everything. Writing about your feelings is like wrangling with your innermost demons, and I impressed myself, because I wasn't running away anymore. It changed everything.

    I've been too much of a coward to log into my email for the past few months because I'm scared that reading the email that's going to tell me I've been dropped out of college is going to plummet me back into depression. I don't know how, but I managed to get the balls to check my email. My guidance counselor, bless her heart, has been sending me emails this whole time checking up on me, and told me that she put me as "holding off" for the semester instead of dropping out. She asked me if I will be returning to college in the Fall. This whole time I thought college was over for me, at least at that college.

    I'm a little scared to go back to college. My depression isn't something that isn't going to just magically disappear ever, but I understand it better now. I want to succeed and make my mom proud. Make myself proud. But I'm afraid things are just going to repeat itself. I don't trust myself enough to not close up and run away when things get tough, but I know that going to college is an opportunity to have a better life someday (maybe. There are definitely people who haven't gone to college who are happier). Somehow, I still have a dream of working at a publishing house and maybe even writing a book someday...

    I know the "right" answer is to be brave and face myself, go back to school, and fight to succeed.
    But, from people who understand how scary it is to be depressed and suicidal, is it worth the risk? If I just live a life isolated, get a minimum wage job or something, and avoid myself, I won't be "happy" but I'll be safe - You guys understand that right? What would you do? What should I do? And if you have any other advice you can give me, I would love to hear your thoughts.

    I also want to say that if you're reading this and you're struggling, I sincerely hope that someway, somehow, you make it out of the dark and defeat whatever you're fighting with.
    It's okay if you don't know how to respond to me. Thank you for reading and message me if you want! I love you.
  2. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear that you are going through this

    The school may have some resources to help you get treatment. They also may be able to help you make adjustments in your course schedule.
    I guess self-understanding is important. It's also important to make sure you get the balance right. Pushing yourself too hard would be a disaster, but just retreating and hiding probably would be too. Just being isolated could make the depression worse, so it's not necessarily a safe option.

    You have time to think about this and work things out. Hopefully you and your counselor can work on a plan that prioritizes your health, but allows you to stay in school. Therapy and medication might be a good idea. You might also want to check out the links in my signature.

    They might allow you to go to school with a reduced course load.

    There's probably other people at your school who are suffering from depression, so you hopefully your school will have, or will be willing to develop, something that helps depressed students
    Last edited: May 24, 2017
    lipstix likes this.
  3. lipstix

    lipstix Active Member

    Thanks. I never even considered these options. I'm very hesitant to get therapy, but I'll think about it.
    I really appreciate your response!
    may71 likes this.
  4. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi, please try to get therapy as like you I was hesitant but I found group therapy was very good. It was hard to open up but once the ice was broken it helped. It's hard to open up face to face but here it's very easy as you know no one knows you and there are people willing to help YOU. Take care and remember YOU are family.
    AlexiMarie7 and lipstix like this.
  5. lipstix

    lipstix Active Member

    Thank you for you reply!
    Therapy is something I have to sit on awhile longer... I'm interested to hear group therapy worked great for you!
    Yes, this site is like a dream. You're very kind, thank you again.
    Unknown_111 likes this.
  6. Walker

    Walker Everything Zen Staff Member Safety & Support SF Social Media SF Supporter

    Hi there
    It sounds to me from this post that your school counselor sees something in you that she doesn't often see. Otherwise she would've cut your ass off and dropped you from school. She's got no reason to "hold" you on the books, right? She gains nothing from that. She doesn't need to email you to check on you and gets nothing out of it cause you aren't even responding. SO - she feels something for you, she senses something in you, she understands something about you that you don't know about yourself right now. I think you deserve to give yourself a chance at whatever this world is gonna bring to you. You deserve more than what you've allowed yourself to have. I feel like you could really benefit from some therapy from the outside. I hope you give yourself a chance at things. I'd go back to school myself but only you can make these choices. Best of luck to you.
    lipstix likes this.
  7. lipstix

    lipstix Active Member

    Thank you so much for your reply.
    I think it's a miracle that she's being so kind to me. I find it hard to believe someone as accomplished and successful as she is could see me like that. I initially just thought she was feeling charitable, thanks for making me see it's possible that it's because she believes in me. I really appreciate you saying I deserve more than what I've allowed myself to have. I never looked at it in that way. It takes the power out of my depression and into my hands. Hopefully someday that will be exactly how it is.

    After signing up on this site, and reading your response, I think I'm going to take the plunge and go back to school. I still have to think about it. I just replied to my guidance counselor's email, so let's see what she says about it... I'm so scared haha.
    Walker likes this.
  8. Walker

    Walker Everything Zen Staff Member Safety & Support SF Social Media SF Supporter

    It sounds real dickish of people to say this but it's the real truth of the matter - you are nineteen years old. You've got your whole life ahead of you. YOU are the one in control of what you make of things and no matter how shitty and bleak things look right now you CAN make something amazing and fantastic out of your world. I know it sound dumb, it sounds cliche, it sounds like old ass people telling you how the world is your oyster or some crazy shit. But honestly, it's true. Nineteen is no time to cast your life away into the abyss without really really working hard to overcome the obstacles that have been thrown to you. I don't know you but this counselor person does and she seems to think you're pretty awesome so you should listen. The universe is talking to you and giving you a chance. Maaaybe you should take it. I hope you do. Keep in touch and let us all know how it goes. Stick around and keep posting ok? I'm interested.
    lipstix likes this.
  9. lipstix

    lipstix Active Member

    Thanks for your perspective. You have a point, it's just hard for me to see it sometimes.
    I'll keep in touch. Thanks again!!!
    Walker likes this.
  10. Walker

    Walker Everything Zen Staff Member Safety & Support SF Social Media SF Supporter

    Smarty pants, you are. ;)
    lipstix likes this.