First time in over a year

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Kaish, Mar 22, 2014.

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  1. Kaish

    Kaish Well-Known Member

    So for the first time in over a year I am feeling suicidal. I started having the thoughts yesterday and sleeping all I could do is dream about killing myself. I have been calling the crisis line non stop, but lately it hasn't been helping. Perhaps because it's becoming habit, but the people I have talked to recently have been real insensitive. One told me I shouldn't be suicidal over something so small and kept asking if there was more to it. I just don't know where to go from here. I lost my job a couple days ago, but what made it horrible was how it was handled. I was one of the last people to know. I didn't even find out from the manager. I put the clues together and that's how I found out. After I did that it became obvious that half the store knew. It hurts because I didn't even have that job for a year, so when I look back a year it feels like I was in the same spot. I'm so big on looking back and looking at what I have accomplished and regarding this I can't. Now that I don't work for the company anymore I can see how horrible they treated me. I'm not one to complain. When someone says jump I always ask how high. I will always put a burden on myself to help others, but in a sense that got me fired, because they put so much on me to the point where I could not handle the stress. From what I understand the store manager reported me to HR and they wanted me fired. The store manager told me she's 'sad' because I was such a great employee. Pretty much she threw me under the bus. I think what makes this so hard is it being such a life change, since I started this job nine months ago I never had more than two days off in a row and I only had two days off in a row about 3-4 times. My life was work day after day, one day off to catch up on sleep and chores, and then go back to work day after day. I never asked for a day off because the manager would cut your hours for that. I never complained about any situation because again the manager would cut your hours for that. Looking back it feels very abusive - I was put down everyday. All the people who have been supportive are telling me I deserve better, but all I can do is sit at home and think how much I want to kill myself.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 22, 2014
  2. soulreaper

    soulreaper Well-Known Member

    it's okay this storm will pass and there be a rainbow at the end of the rain. good luck in finding a new job.
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am sorry they treated you that way how cruel I do hope you continue to look for a better job one that does treat you with respect and appreciates your work ethics hun
    Glad you are here talking to us
  4. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    Hey! :) Let me first say that I am terribly sorry to hear of your situation and what just happened to you. It all sounds so terrible to me... And I know that right now, is when it's going to be the toughest for you to look at the circumstances objectively because of the freshness of the wounds. So, I'll see if I can't lend some outside perspective that might be able to allow you to think about things somewhat differently, given the emotions you're no doubt drowning in (at least I would be). Number one: there's no way on Earth I could hack a schedule as rigorous as that. Not a chance! I'd self-implode. Secondly, you probably have gained a great deal of valuable experience in this particular line of work--whether you know it or not right now. If you can think back to when you were first starting & getting trained in, and realize just how much information you've gathered, that's something to be proud of and should serve you well while you look for future work (especially if it's going to be in a similar vocation). But I guess you have to ask your self whether or not you truly enjoyed doing this type of job? Minus all the b.s. In the absence of those negatives, would you like to continue in this field? The reason I ask these questions is that when I went through very much the same experience a few years ago, what got me through, finally, was the willingness to replace the bad memories with a new job (& hence, newer, better memories!). I know it must be difficult to conceive such a concept or possibility at the moment, but do whatever you have to to get yourself well - even if that means going to check yourself into the hospital for a few days (it's what worked wonders for me: miracles, in fact). I can attest to the strength of your character through the very few exchanges that we have had on here, and in short, if I had to sum it up, I'd say that you are a beautiful soul & that the world would be at a great loss if you left.
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