Firs time ive talked about this openly I was abused by my brother from 14-17 it was during a difficult part of my life i wasnt a very attractive child i had problems with my teeth and was overly skinny and as a result of the abuse i became a shut in for a number of years. I often wonder what kind of man i would have become if it had never happened. Its difficult to have relationships because i feel i should be honest about it but i tend not to be making up some story to explain why i am how i am. I have no friends to speak of loosing all of them over the years i have recently been through i horrible experience with a woman after i lied about myself to build up an image of a strong man not a broken man as i am. I recently told my mother about this im 30 now and my father passed away without knowing and i would have done the same with my mother but recent experience has showed me that keeping this a secret is effecting my ability to relate to people so i told her about it. It didnt go how i expected she hasnt talked to me about it which is leading me to believe she doesnt think it happened or that she would rather i never told her in the first place. Its horrible to feel that you arent wanted anymore we rarely speak now and my recent experience with a woman has left me with continuous suicidal thoughts. Ive tried 3 times but just cant bring myself to cause that kind of pain to my family. So i decided to increase my alcohol consumption and smoke intake my liver is already in bad shape so i expect that a natural death like many other people that smoke and drink will be easier for my family to live with. I know i could have been a great man i know it a strong man with a life worth of comparison to my fathers but now at this age i have nothing no friends no job no woman no children of my own. I ruined a relationship recently because i made myself appear to be the man i always want to be not the man i am. The woman i was seeing didnt like that i lied to her about myself but when i came completely clean and told her the truth everything the abuse my fears it just made this fall apart completely. My hate my brother for what he has done he robbed me of my happiness stole my life from me i curse his soul to eternal damnation and hope his death comes quick and swift so his suffering can begin.