So it's been a week of non stop panic attack. I started a new business and was doing well and then I screwed up something where I stand to get sued. Worst part of it all, though, is losing face. My reputation will be mud. So I am 45 years old and all my hopes dreams and ambitions are going up in smoke. My business has to be shut down and all I can see is pain and financial trouble for the next 6 months or more. I called suicide hotline twice and they talked me down. But the impending doom has not left me. Suicide hotline lady told me to think about my loved ones "...who will identify your body?"...and this got me to thinking. But I think if they knew what pain and anguish I had they'd understand. I feel like a pig that's been stuck...bleeding to death...and the humane thing to do is to end the misery. I have not slept much in a week and have lost about ten pounds in the same amount of time. This is the worst time of my life. ever. The suicide note is not complete but my last will and testament is. I have various letters ready to email. I have a plan, too....bottle of wine and vocodin and talking a walk to the hospital. Nice and clean, no trauma for others. I am at the end of my rope. I am so sad. I am so hopeless and tired. my life will never be the same and I liked it before. I will be the laughing stock in my industry and looked at as incompetent. I will be sued for half a million dollars and will have to go bankrupt. PLEASE GOD HELP ME...I WANT THE FEAR TO STOP and the only way I see it stopping is by killing myself. So at this point i am hoping to have a heart attack. I'm a chicken. I know there's a penalty in the afterlife for "offing" oneself. and i may end up starving myself instead. This too will pass is what I've been telling myself. But it;s like a train coming down the tracks and I'm just waiting to get run over.I AM SO, SO, SCARED, HUMILIATED, SHAMED, AND TIRED.