First Time looking at Suicide as an option

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by John_1963, Dec 26, 2008.

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  1. John_1963

    John_1963 Member

    So it's been a week of non stop panic attack. I started a new business and was doing well and then I screwed up something where I stand to get sued. Worst part of it all, though, is losing face. My reputation will be mud. So I am 45 years old and all my hopes dreams and ambitions are going up in smoke. My business has to be shut down and all I can see is pain and financial trouble for the next 6 months or more.

    I called suicide hotline twice and they talked me down. But the impending doom has not left me. Suicide hotline lady told me to think about my loved ones "...who will identify your body?"...and this got me to thinking.

    But I think if they knew what pain and anguish I had they'd understand. I feel like a pig that's been stuck...bleeding to death...and the humane thing to do is to end the misery. I have not slept much in a week and have lost about ten pounds in the same amount of time. This is the worst time of my life. ever.

    The suicide note is not complete but my last will and testament is. I have various letters ready to email. I have a plan, too....bottle of wine and vocodin and talking a walk to the hospital. Nice and clean, no trauma for others.

    I am at the end of my rope. I am so sad. I am so hopeless and tired. my life will never be the same and I liked it before. I will be the laughing stock in my industry and looked at as incompetent. I will be sued for half a million dollars and will have to go bankrupt. PLEASE GOD HELP ME...I WANT THE FEAR TO STOP and the only way I see it stopping is by killing myself.

    So at this point i am hoping to have a heart attack. I'm a chicken. I know there's a penalty in the afterlife for "offing" oneself. and i may end up starving myself instead. This too will pass is what I've been telling myself. But it;s like a train coming down the tracks and I'm just waiting to get run over.I AM SO, SO, SCARED, HUMILIATED, SHAMED, AND TIRED.
  2. downmage

    downmage Well-Known Member

    I am your age as well, I had big dreams. Goals etc all went down the shitter man. So I feel for yah.
  3. jameslyons

    jameslyons Well-Known Member

    You're forty-five and you've just started to consider suicide an option :eek:hmy:

    Congratulations on starting your business. That's a great step. Regardless of what happens you've done something that really is special and unique. As to being sued--that just sucks.

    Most first time business close though right? Especially in this economy. I only say that because it means that you'll have plenty of chances to replan and reshoot. The next six months will be tough, sure. But have you considered that it's a perfect time to do more research in your chosen field and work on your business plan?

    Wine and pills will only make you pass out, ruin your liver, and possibly get vomit drifting down to your lungs. Please reconsider. There's a lot of great people on this board who know what you're going through, and who managed to beat the self-destructive urge down. :)

    Killing yourself will be terrible for your friends and family. Please reconsider.

    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 26, 2008
  4. MeAndYou

    MeAndYou Well-Known Member

    First of all i think youre acting out of haste in the situation. You say you COULD be sued, you may not, and you dont know how that will turn out if you do.

    Second you mentioned your own method which included a walk to the hospital. Youre not going to find people there who are not willing to pump your stomach and put you on an IV, and then call your family and tell them what kind of brain damage youve suffered.

    And third. Time. WAIT. Take a deep breath. Call a family member up, a friend, ask to hang out. Get your mind off of what has yet to happen (you being sued, your reputation being "destroyed"). Because it hasnt happened yet, you can not predict the future. Take another deep breath.

    We are all here for you. :hug:
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 26, 2008
  5. John_1963

    John_1963 Member

    So what do guys like us do? All my life I've felt like a loser and what's happening right not just confirms it. At this age few people want to hire us. I have a house payment, unable to get health insurance, and when I look around at people my age I see they are happy, married, established. How do we cope with this?

    Mid 40s with no job, no future, and little hope. I have not slept in days and am at the end of my rope.

    pills are not a good option but just can't see blowing my brains out, either. Where to go from here? Just face it? Barrel through it and let the chips fall where they may? I guess so.

    I keep telling myself the worst case isn't that bad. At least I will still have my health. I think about being a bum, taking community college classes, working at Taco Bell...not so bad, really. But the humiliation and shame from my colleagues is the worst part of all this.

    God is not testing me...i have made my bed and now its time to lay in it. But it's so hard.

    Sleep deprivation is causing me to have cloudy thinking. I do not want to kill myself but it seems like the best option. I am so stupid, such a loser. I am such a loser.
  6. John_1963

    John_1963 Member

    Yes, I am acting in haste. You don't understand. dozens of people look up to me and I've failed miserably. I'm a fraud, a lie, and have hurt the industry I work in. There will be no way I can continute yet I sunk my life savings and 10 months into this business. I will lose my license and will have to find work elsewhere which will be difficult because of the economoy and my lack of formal education.

    OK, so the pills and the hospital are a bad idea. I have a gun and read how to make it foolproof. But there's still the gnawing guilt of leaving my girlfirned to deal with the aftermath.

    Thank you for the wisdom. I am going to wait and see and work through what I can tomorrow with this situation. It may turn out to be not as bad as I fear. But then again, it could play out exaclty as I envisioned.

    Again, the worst part of all this is "losing face", the shame involved. It's not like I molested a little kid or took money from people. I am not a bad person. So why do I feel so worthless? I still want to die. I still want this to be over quickly and easily.

  7. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hello John,

    Welcome to SF. I hope you find the help and support you need here.

    I can see where your frustration is coming from. Feeling ashamed is definitely one of the most unbearable feelings there is. When you can't cope with it, it destroys you.It destroys your confidence,self esteem, communication with others and your pride.

    I have given up caring what others think of me. If I hadn't I would probably be dead now.

    Don't give up now. You've have come all this way. Hopefully you will manage to get a new job. Please see a therapist for these thoughts of shame you have, and see a doctor for your depression :hug:
  8. Mightbehere

    Mightbehere Well-Known Member

    Your not a loser John..I think things will turn around for the best for you soon.
    Hang in there!
  9. John_1963

    John_1963 Member

    Thanks, Sweetheart,

    You pegged it. Shame is the most unbearable feelings there is. I have not had much shame in my life. Nothing of this magnitude. It has destroyed a lot of things within me. I have not slept or eaten much in about 6 days. And I am gripped with fear every waking moment. Today is the day I am supposed to "come clean" with my sins and announce my mistakes...lay all my cards on the table and perhaps there will be a resolution to the matter if there is cooperation. If not, a lawsuit will ensue.

    I am so very afraid. I feel like a pathetic man. Impotent. Alone and confused. My girlfriend deserves better and I told her I wanted to break up with her just so she could find a real man, one that could support her. I want to get married but I cannot support her.

    I went to bed at 10pm and woke up a midnight and back to sleep at 2 and back up at 4. Weak and tired i have given up hope and all i can do is lay in bed and cry. there are no more tears left so i gasp for air.

    So I'm looking at my gun. I promised the woman at suicide hotline that i would call here if i actually want to go through with it. i keep saying no...i can't but another part of me says its the only way.

    How to make the pain stop...

  10. John_1963

    John_1963 Member

    My stomach is churning and I need help...need to have intervention. i do not want to die. will call today.
  11. John_1963

    John_1963 Member

    I sure feel like a loser. everything i do seems to not work out. if you have ever had a bounced check or 24 hour notice to have your electricity turned off you know what I mean.

    Thing is, I'm all alone. No double income, no trust fund, no job, no savings, no retirement, no health insurance, none of the things that make up the middle class "american dream". so i am left with uncertainty.

    Chances are that I will lose these big accounts, lose my credbility, lose the respect that I have quickly gained from my peers.

    If loser is defined as not winning then, I am a loser. And it hurts more than anyone will ever know.
  12. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Everyone makes mistakes John. I know things seem as though there is no hope for the future, but you can make it through. Let your girlfriend help to support you emotionally. Do not cast her away. If she loves you she will stand by your side. Was your mistake intentional? Can you explain how and why it happened? Yes, there may be shame and humiliation, but do not forget about all the times you were successful in your business. It takes a big man to admit they did something wrong. If your mistake was genuine and you own up to it it will be viewed differently than if you fight it. You really do not know the ramifications of this, so let it play out. If it does lead to bankrupcy then it is a chance for you to start over. Are there collegues that could potentially make the same type of mistake? Nobody is perfect and maybe rather than you losing face with them, they might understand how it could happen. You are not a loser. You made a poor decision and will face the consequences for it. No different than anyone else. Use this as a learning experience and move on. You can and will make it through. Have faith in yourself. Trust in your abilities. Seek help and support when you need it. You are a winner. :hug:
  13. John_1963

    John_1963 Member

    Thanks, Gentlelady

    The issue has to do with me, a new inspector, being handed a job that required inspection in order to recive about $250,000 in incentive monies. The builder looked to me for expertise and to handle everything. It's complicated and most people hire guys like me to take care of the details.

    I was about to finish my report and noticed things that needed to be done that were not done. Part of this is the builder's responsibility but he didn't know...I failed to bring it to his attention in time to do anything about it. The worst part of it all is I am at a loss as to why I made this mistake. I was too new, too overwhlemened, didn't know are some of my lame answers. Any excuse is meaningless.

    So I have to contact the builder and explain that the project money is in jeopordy. And they've paid me already about $15,000 that I re-invested into my business...the money is spent.

    My mistake is genuine but what do they care? all they are looking at is an incompetent person. I'm paralyzed and have not contacted them yet because thier voice echos in my head " a good job on this one, John, and we'll keep you so busy you'll have to hire people".

    Another component in this escalating shame is that I started a trade association for my profession with the cornerstone of competence and integrity. We have about 40 members and they all see me as a model. Tall order indeed. The associaton has the potential of being the laughing stock of the state if it's discovered that the president was incompetent.

    I thought of lying on the report and hope I don't get caught. I thought of just laying all my cards on the table and letting the fallout happen...and I'be thought of taking pills and wine to end the pain and anguish...and now I have my gun sitting near me. This may be a mistake because the pain seems to come in waves...from depression and fear to utter terror and hoplessness.

    There are some, I'm sure, who have been in the same boat I am. In fact, I talked to one fellow last week. He said ' we all make mistakes" but I see this as much more than a's incomptence.

    I feel like a loser. A big fat loser. And these feelings of worthlessness extend to my relationship with my girlfriend as I cannot support her or offer her a life of certainty or stability. I cannot even support myself.

    So if it happens that I give up my business I will need to find a job. And in the real world, few people want to hire a 45 year old guy without an education. Heck, I know people with MA degrees that cannot find work.

    I'm a good guy, really. People tell me this. So why am I struggling so much?
  14. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Don't try to cover it up John. Talk to the builder and let them know asap. The project "may" be in jeopardy but perhaps the oversight can be dealt with and things can move forward. I have known things like this to happen before and a fine was issued and then paperwork redone correctly and things continued as before. I can't say this would be the case for you, but it does sound as if the builder needs to take some responsibility in this as well. It was missed by both of you for unknown reasons. Put all temptations out of reach so you cannot act on impulse or urges. You can't change the past and worrying about the future will not change that either. Live for the present. One day at a time. Tell yourself you are okay right now and that is what counts. You are dwelling on the "what ifs" and those aren't certainties. Once you get things out in the open you can begin to deal with things and one dread is behind you. I think part of your struggle is do to the fear of the unknown. That, and you are assuming everything will be the worst case scenario. Don't forget to get legal advice on the situation. They will know the ins and outs much better than any of us do. Stay safe John.
  15. John_1963

    John_1963 Member

    So I gave my two small dogs a bath today. Finally got out of bed after being there for 3 days. I'm in my office now and have to tackle my problem head on. It's scary because I could be sued and forced into bankruptcy...lose my reputation...lose 10 months of training...and

    But Jill called me and is on her way back home and that seemed to wake me up a bit.

    I was walking on the dark side for a long time spending lots of time in this forum and in the chat areas. Seems like that was another life. The sun is shining and my two doggies are playing tug o war right behind me.

    Nobody knows how close I was to ending it. Nobody. Being terrified like that is horrible and I never want to go through it again.

    I don't feel I'm totally out of the woods. My life is pretty messed up. But right now I'm actually doing stuff instead of laying in bed...fretting myself into a tailspin.

    Whenever I get stressed out I start doing stuff. helps me get my mind of things and everything seems to fall into perspective.

    I feel such compassion and empathy now for everyone on this forum. It's painful to read some of the posts because I know what despair feels like now.


  16. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I am glad you are facing things head on and have Jill to help you. Please keep us posted on how you are doing. I wish you the best of possible outcomes.
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