Hello, I am not a regular forum user so I feel awkward writing to "the internet" but I really wanted to reach out rather than just isolate as I am feeling very sad and fearful lately. As much work as I have done in life to make things better—happier and healthier—I still always find myself wanting to stop living. The feelings come in various ways. Once upon a time I had never had any friends and would have a panic attack if I tried to leave the house. A few years and a lot of self-work later, with some medication and therapy and yoga, I am pretty high functioning and now I'm even meeting lots of people regularly and "making friends." But feelings of self-hate pervade, and the anxiety creeps back up, and I don't want my new friends to see me as anxious and depressed, so I hide. Or I drink too much to socialize. Human connection is SO important to me, but I'm always stuck between the anxiety of being with people and despair that comes from staying by myself. I would so appreciate any advice or thoughts about this. Thank you for reading.