First time suicidal ideation

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Dreamland, May 26, 2011.

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  1. Dreamland

    Dreamland Well-Known Member

    Hi, everyone.

    I've joined this forum because I recently had a dream where everything was going horribly wrong and I locked myself in a bathroom where I <Mod Edit:Inmemoryofyou:Methods>. I remember being terrified at first, but then I had this sudden feeling of freedom and realization. In my dream, it was insanely clear that I was meant to die. It was my "destiny."

    I'm terrified not only of the good feeling I got from the dream, but how often I've been thinking about it and wondering if I could feel free if it actually happened. I know that logically it's completely delusional to think it's my "destiny" to kill myself, but I can't tell you how many times I've thought it on a daily basis since having this dream.

    My family has a history of alcoholism and mental illness (I don't speak to part of my family right now because of the former--they drink, I don't), and I have been diagnosed with anxiety and depression in the past. I'm in my 20s now, which I know is when a lot of other things develop, especially with traumatic events. I'm terrified that because of my very recent fallout with my family and basically complete loss of a parent in the grips of alcoholism, my anger and fear and sadness will spiral into something more serious. Maybe it already has. My mom was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder... do I have it, too? I guess I won't know until I can get to a psychologist/psychiatrist I can afford and trust.

    The "suicide freedom" thought isn't the only borderline delusional thing I've been thinking about, but it's definitely the most worrying. I'm not sure what to do, so that's why I'm here. I hope that gives you a good enough idea of who I am and what I'm dealing with. Frankly, it was nice to just type it all up.

    Thanks for reading.
    Last edited by a moderator: May 26, 2011
  2. Craig

    Craig Banned Member

    Im sorry to hear things are bad for you. I know from experiance theres a ton of therapists that you dont have to pay for. More than anything else please be proactive in your happyness. Life has the potential to be anything your willing to make it into. Giving up would just be throwing all your pain and so much more on anyone that cares about you.
    Take care of yourself.
  3. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the forums. I also at one point had similar dreams of taking my own life, but have since not had such dreams. And I hope you can get the support you need here. Glad typing it all out has helped you.
  4. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Welcome to the forums...Sorry to hear of your loss..Can you surround yourself with friends when you get the SI feelings?? I wish you the best!!
  5. Monoka

    Monoka Well-Known Member

    i hope you never follow the potential of your dreams, your life is valuable. if your family arnt alyays supportive surround yourself with friends and us when feeling down, talk to us, and have a look at the posts on dreaming..
    all the best
  6. Avarice

    Avarice Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the forum, Dreamland! I'm sorry I can't offer much insight into what you've shared with us; it sounds to me like something you should consider seeking professional help for and possibly medication if it comes to that.

    I look forward to seeing you around the forum. Take care! =]
  7. Dreamland

    Dreamland Well-Known Member

    Thanks to everyone for their heartfelt replies-- I'm having one of my good days today and you've all made it better.
  8. Dreamland

    Dreamland Well-Known Member

    I agree. I just started a new job and will be getting full benefits soon, so I'm hoping my insurance will cover *something.* I've had counselors in the past and it's always been horrible when I had to stop seeing them.
  9. tweetypie

    tweetypie Antiquities Friend

    hiya honey. I understand how hard it must be for you. There is a long history of mental illnes and alcoholism in my family too. So much so that i was brought up in foster care. You are right its definatley late teens early twenties when the problems start to show. I hope that things get easier for you and if you need to talk you can message me anytime xx
  10. Mr. Goldstein

    Mr. Goldstein Well-Known Member


    I don't believe there are any supernatural forces encouraging you to kill yourself, though dreams can have quite an impact on your waking thoughts.

    I think you must decide, based on the real world, if you think life is worth living. If you were happy in the past with the physical world and would like to continue to interact with it, consider getting some anti-depressants to experiment with, combined with improving your environment. Or you can just wait to see if time will help you come back to normal.
  11. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi and :welcome: to the forums :)
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