Hi, everyone.
I've joined this forum because I recently had a dream where everything was going horribly wrong and I locked myself in a bathroom where I <Mod Edit:Inmemoryofyou:Methods>. I remember being terrified at first, but then I had this sudden feeling of freedom and realization. In my dream, it was insanely clear that I was meant to die. It was my "destiny."
I'm terrified not only of the good feeling I got from the dream, but how often I've been thinking about it and wondering if I could feel free if it actually happened. I know that logically it's completely delusional to think it's my "destiny" to kill myself, but I can't tell you how many times I've thought it on a daily basis since having this dream.
My family has a history of alcoholism and mental illness (I don't speak to part of my family right now because of the former--they drink, I don't), and I have been diagnosed with anxiety and depression in the past. I'm in my 20s now, which I know is when a lot of other things develop, especially with traumatic events. I'm terrified that because of my very recent fallout with my family and basically complete loss of a parent in the grips of alcoholism, my anger and fear and sadness will spiral into something more serious. Maybe it already has. My mom was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder... do I have it, too? I guess I won't know until I can get to a psychologist/psychiatrist I can afford and trust.
The "suicide freedom" thought isn't the only borderline delusional thing I've been thinking about, but it's definitely the most worrying. I'm not sure what to do, so that's why I'm here. I hope that gives you a good enough idea of who I am and what I'm dealing with. Frankly, it was nice to just type it all up.
Thanks for reading.
I've joined this forum because I recently had a dream where everything was going horribly wrong and I locked myself in a bathroom where I <Mod Edit:Inmemoryofyou:Methods>. I remember being terrified at first, but then I had this sudden feeling of freedom and realization. In my dream, it was insanely clear that I was meant to die. It was my "destiny."
I'm terrified not only of the good feeling I got from the dream, but how often I've been thinking about it and wondering if I could feel free if it actually happened. I know that logically it's completely delusional to think it's my "destiny" to kill myself, but I can't tell you how many times I've thought it on a daily basis since having this dream.
My family has a history of alcoholism and mental illness (I don't speak to part of my family right now because of the former--they drink, I don't), and I have been diagnosed with anxiety and depression in the past. I'm in my 20s now, which I know is when a lot of other things develop, especially with traumatic events. I'm terrified that because of my very recent fallout with my family and basically complete loss of a parent in the grips of alcoholism, my anger and fear and sadness will spiral into something more serious. Maybe it already has. My mom was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder... do I have it, too? I guess I won't know until I can get to a psychologist/psychiatrist I can afford and trust.
The "suicide freedom" thought isn't the only borderline delusional thing I've been thinking about, but it's definitely the most worrying. I'm not sure what to do, so that's why I'm here. I hope that gives you a good enough idea of who I am and what I'm dealing with. Frankly, it was nice to just type it all up.
Thanks for reading.
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