First time telling my story

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by gamtam, Apr 27, 2016.

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  1. gamtam

    gamtam Member

    Hello everyone. I am 52 years old and my sexual abuse started when I was a toddler and ended around my 21st year. I always had problems remembering anything. I mean a lot of things and for as long as I could remember I lived in a fantasy world. I realize it was lies but my day dream world was all I had. It was so bad, most of my life, I could not recall simple things I had done the day before.
    The incident that triggered all the bad memories was when it happened to my 18 month old daughter. She is now 20 years old. It has taken me all this time to speak up and tell my story.
    Typing these words is difficult and am sure I won't get much more then this out for now
  2. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum @gamtam *hugs*
    Feel free to keep sharing when you are ready to.
    Did you ever reach out to a professional about this?
  3. gamtam

    gamtam Member

    No professionals. I have to fight everyday to not slip back into the old habit of ignoring it and it will go away. Tbh this is the first time I have ever felt strong enough to put it in writing. When I try to talk about it I get overwhelmed and end up just lying about it or dismissing it. It's been a secret for so long I have no idea where to start. The dreams are getting worst. I find myself locking my door and hiding in my room but never get any sleep because I feel something will happen. My brother would sneak into my bedroom at night. When we were young he would just touch me. But as we got older he would force himself on me. I it's 50+ years of on and off things like that. But I honestly built a fantasy world so the memories were never in my memory. It wasn't till it happened to my daughter that I couldn't just push it away
  4. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    *hugs* Reach out to someone, professionals can help you. What about writing bits of it down like you are on here and handing it to a doctor.
  5. gamtam

    gamtam Member

    What kind of doctor
  6. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    You could start with a GP or family doctor. They might be able to help suggest counsellors/therapists that could help you.
    ThePhantomLady likes this.
  7. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    Hi and welcome to the forum @gamtam

    I am really sorry to hear what happened to you, and to your daughter. (is she getting help?)

    I agree, you really should seek some help. I know it can be very scary to do. I may only be half your age, but I've wanted to, and tried some times through the years to ask for help... but found no words came from my lips... and it made me bottle it up, hoping it would just go away... (especially after my mother decided to blame me when I tried talking to her...)... but I am finally getting help now. I am still in the early stages, but I am happy that I am.

    I will second @(SP) Rockclimbinggirl 's suggestion of writing it down; so you're sure you get the help you need.

    I wish it was something that just disappeared if you ignored it, but it isn't... you deserve to be helped with this.
  8. gamtam

    gamtam Member

    I want to thank everyone for the help.
    My daughter was only 18 months old when it happened. She does not remember it. My son and nephew were at the house when it happened. They said she started screaming in the middle of the night and when they went upstairs she was hiding behind the door naked. She had been sleeping in his bed. My mother told me she wet the bed. That is when all my memories started coming back.
    She changed so much after that. She started having terrible nightmares. She did not want ppl to look at her and when they did she would hide. She was so close to my father but after that night she would not even go near him
    The only men she would let be around her were her dad and her brother. She started being afraid of the dark.
    That night changed all our lives. All those terrible memories started flooding back. First in dreams. I still can not sleep through the night and still have the dreams. Then the memories would haunt my days. I had to keep myself very busy all the time so I would not have empty time that the memories might slip into
    I need to stop for now. Too many tears and I can't see the screen
  9. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    *hugs* Keep yourself grounded.
  10. gamtam

    gamtam Member

    Writing these things down does help.
    My brother started molesting me when we were young. It wasn't till I was 15 that I got pregnant and had an abortion. The same thing happened again in my senior year of high school. Nothing was ever said, I had to keep the secret.
    It wasn't until recently, when my husband was killed by a drunk driver that I realized just how much of my life is secrets and lies. When I lost him and the protection he gave me my life changed again
    I feel that I need to talk with my mother and get her take on all of this. She has never accepted, acknowledged that anything ever happened. It's time to call her out on the memories she has of the past
    Thank you everyone for allowing me to write and for giving me a voice. You have just saved a life
  11. BipolarGirl (Deathplease)

    BipolarGirl (Deathplease) Well-Known Member

    I understand where you are coming from. I too built a fantasy world for myself to hide in though not for the sexual abuse. I hid from my brothers trying to kill each other. They literally tried kill each other when ever my mom wasn't home and even when my mom was. I don't remember much of it because I retreated into my own mind but my sister has told me some of it.

    I was also sexually abused by my brother. He and I would "play" this game (it was always his idea and I couldn't say no - still have trouble with that). It wasn't quite as bad for me because I was a "willing" participant even though I knew it was wrong (he is just shy of two years older than me). I asked my brother about it last year and he said he does not remember any of it (it had gone on for 8 years). None of my family knows this. I can't bring it up to my family because he has two little ones of his own and I don't want him to go to jail for the sake of his girls (he has not touched them ever, if he had I would say something)

    I think you should seek counseling. it is not easy but it will help. Writing it will help also. I think you should wait to confront your mother about this until you are at a healthier place. Unless you think you can handle it because it will not be easy.

    Keep going. You are strong for surviving the horror that you did. You are brave for coming on here and telling us what happened.
  12. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    You sure do have a voice here, you are just as important as everyone else. I'm sorry for what you have had to endure.Life can be very cruel sometimes and I am very sorry for your huge loss. Please keep talking to us here because we care. As far as professional help goes, see your general doctor and lightly explain what's going on and they might refer you to a therapis tor psychiatrist or both. You don't have to carry this burden alone. SF is here for you, keep writing since it helps you :)
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