first time

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by amethyst, Sep 14, 2008.

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  1. amethyst

    amethyst Member

    ive felt bad before but always resisted hurting myself but yesterday i did for the first time. i "scratched" myself with a pencil sharpener blade and broke the skin. also tried a knife and scissors and i thought itd look like a rash but they are obvious today.

    i feel strange about it. shocked with myself and scared too. never thought i would do it

    i dunno why i posted here. just feel a bit strange about it all really. :sad:
  2. fromthatshow

    fromthatshow Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    how long ago did you first feel the urge to hurt yourself?
    do you know where this comes from? :hug:
  3. amethyst

    amethyst Member

    its been about 2 years now. but ive always resisted.

    i know ive been feeling especially bad lately and my life seems like i keep getting kicked.

    i get very anxious, im scared of going to work tomorrow and facing people all i want to do is hide.

    i dont know any reason other than that to make me "depressed" (i hate saying that cause i feel like a farce) but i guess its just resorted to that now. i dont know why, i almost feel a invisible wall holding me up collapsing and ive just given up fighting against it
  4. notwanting2live

    notwanting2live Well-Known Member

    hunni please dont get into the cycle. it is really hard to get back out of. trust me alot of people might agree, once you get the feeling of it and enjoy it, feel it helps or whatever it means to you, you can become hooked. theres no hope for me but there is for you. best of luck. x
  5. Oceans

    Oceans Well-Known Member

    Recently, i was on the brinks of starting my third round and the urges where really strong but i had to hold out. Please i hope you find someone to talk to about this before it becomes a habit. Once it is used as a coping mechanism then when its gets too much you will end up resorting to what has worked. It seems starting was hard for you, having tried to fight the urges for some time, so i hope you find it in yourself to find the reasons why and get the self-harm under control before it gets out of hand.

    take care
  6. amethyst

    amethyst Member

    i talk to my boyfriendabout it but end up feeling guilty for making him sad.

    just did a few more :( i know it sounds bad but its not satisfying enough.

    i am going to the doctors soon so i dont know if i should mention it? what would happen?
  7. Melancholy

    Melancholy Well-Known Member

    Hun, I hate to say this because it's something I don't want to believe myself, but it will never be satisfying enough. Trust me. The deeper you go, the more cuts you do, the worse you scar. You'll always be wanting to go further, you'll need to go further. Cutting is not the answer. It's not going to help you with whatever it is you're trying to cope with. Try and get to the bottom of what's causing your urges before you get stuck in the cycle of SH. There are many people here who would do so much to be in a position to stop. You still can, hun, keep fighting those urges.

    As for going to the doctors, if you told them they may refer you to a psychologist/therapist which might help you to get to the bottom of what's making you feel so bad, and you may be able to work with them to find other coping strategies so that you don't feel you have to cut. They might do nothing, like mine...but surely worth a shot? I'm not sure how old you are etc, they might want to tell your parents about it, I can't remember if they have to or not.

    Take care, hun :smile:
  8. amethyst

    amethyst Member

    i just pressed the wrong button and deleted the whole message id written grrrr.

    i went to the docs yesterday and she put me on pills, after talking for a long time about the pressures of school (im not at school any more, i work full time). im reluctant to take them, id rather have had councelling but she seemed to think its best so im going with it. if it works.

    i told my mum last night and she got quite upset. she doesnt want me to take them, but im 18 so its my decision. anything to help.

    thanks for all your help and advice, its nice to know i have somewhere to go to talk about this.
  9. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Some people cut because they want to feel some physical pain. If that's why you're doing it then you could try other painful things that don't damage the skin. Like tieing a rubber band on your hand or something or punching something.
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