First Time

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by bonbon718, Nov 9, 2011.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. bonbon718

    bonbon718 Well-Known Member

    I cut myself three days ago. And again last night. I'd never done it before... never really wanted to. It hurt, but at the same time it felt good. I wanted to feel on the outside what I've been feeling on the inside.
    It was nice to be able to control my pain for once.

    But of course I feel shame after the fact. I told myself I wouldn't do it again but I did. And again, the power I had over my pain was a good feeling.
    Having to cover it up is the worst part. Trying to hide it and hoping no one finds out is harder than I thought it would be..
     
  2. Isabel

    Isabel Staff Alumni

    Hi Bonbon,

    I am not familiar with self-harm myself. But we do have a resource section in the forum which you may want to look at as there are many threads on self-harm.
    http://www.suicideforum.com/forumdisplay.php?f=77
    Also, some of our members may have advices more specific to your situation.
     
  3. ThinkingCap

    ThinkingCap Well-Known Member

    It's been two years since I started hurting myself. It has served its purpose, it has gotten me through some difficult times, but now it is something that will not go away easily. It started out small. A few cuts here or there, hiding them, realizing that not many people notice anyway or would ask in the first place. Then it got worse, and worse, and worse. I know you're probably expecting to hear this, I know it will be difficult to remember this when you want to do it again. Besides, it's just a few cuts, right? No one will notice, and no one will care.

    But that's not true. You care. You care enough to feel shame. You care enough to think about what you are doing and post on a forum like this. Honestly? I care too, because in you I see a bit of me. A bit of what I felt like when I started, and it hurts to hear that reflected back from a different person. I have scars now that won't go away for years, if they will go away at all. I have pushed my boundaries to the point that I can make a cut now that deserves stitches with knives so sharp you can hardly feel them. This is not something I am proud of, it is something I must live with.

    You are hurting, and probably stuck in some kind of mess where there are things you cannot control causing you pain. But you are not powerless. If you want to see your pain reflected on the outside, try using pens or markers on your skin rather than knives or razors. Do it where no one will see, do it the way you want to, make your body, your pain, your own. Then when it all washes away, don't be afraid. Just like those markings, just like those lines or words, your pain will wash away as well. This is not permanent. Those things that you cannot control right now? Eventually you will either learn or be able to control them, or they will go away. Even if that means that you leave the situation and start new. Putting scars on yourself is the same as accepting that this pain is permanent. The pain is strong, difficult -- it is any adjective you feel it is. But it will not last forever.

    I don't know you and I can only speak from my own experiences, but I hope in some way this helps. If exercising or drawing or writing or anything else helps you from killing yourself or being drawn down into this pain, then do it. If you feel that something stronger is necessary, try holding an ice cube or snapping a rubber band against your skin (be careful with that one though!). The ice cube especially is helpful. Please try those before going to cutting. The scars aren't worth it, both inside and out.

    Good luck,

    --ThinkingCap
     
  4. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I think we SH when we do not have a voice to express what is going on and we need to feel we exist...when the pain is so great, and we feel our options are few, we take drastic measures...talk...tell people what is going on for you...this will allow you to know you are important and do not have to resort to such painful ways to express what is going on...please PM me if I can be one who will listen
     
  5. bonbon718

    bonbon718 Well-Known Member

    ThinkingCap,
    You gave me a lot to think about. Thank you. I haven't done any SH for a couple days, though the urge has definitely been there.
     
  6. ThinkingCap

    ThinkingCap Well-Known Member

    No problem, if you ever want someone to listen or anything feel free to PM me.

    --TC
     
  7. bonbon718

    bonbon718 Well-Known Member

    If I'm not worth anything, what does it matter if I hurt myself? It's not like anyone cares..
     
  8. ThinkingCap

    ThinkingCap Well-Known Member

    What makes you think you're not worth anything? That no one cares? What's got you feeling this way?
     
  9. bonbon718

    bonbon718 Well-Known Member

    TC, It has always been this way.. I'm always the one people go to, but then when I need someone, people scatter. Today, for example.. I really needed a friend, just for a few minutes. He was too busy playing video games with a friend to even respond to a text timely, much less come and sit with me... it's like that all the time. And sometimes, it's okay and I just deal. Other times, it really gets to me. It's like they're all so sick of being there for me. I know it sounds stupid, but it is what it is..
     
  10. ThinkingCap

    ThinkingCap Well-Known Member

    That may not be the only explanation for why it seems like no one cares enough to be there for you. Have you let anyone know what's going on, or how much you've been hurting? Sometimes you might need someone there to keep you safe, even if they're just sitting in the same room as you. It's a fine line to walk to both stay safe while being respectful to those who care to help. For instance, when you texted him, did you tell him why you were texting? Did you tell him what was going on with you?
     
  11. bonbon718

    bonbon718 Well-Known Member

    I tried making it clear, without explicitly saying what I wanted to do... he has friends who like to steal his phone and look through it.
    I have a hard time trusting people with my true feelings. The last time I told someone I was thinking of hurting myself (severely) they told someone, who told someone, who told someone... I'm sure they meant well, but the loss of control on information makes me very wary.
     
  12. bonbon718

    bonbon718 Well-Known Member

    I just feel like giving up... trying to make people understand, trying to explain, trying to feel better.
     
  13. ThinkingCap

    ThinkingCap Well-Known Member

    That makes a lot of sense then, it's entirely possible that it isn't that he's sick of listening to you, or caring for you, he just completely missed the severity of the situation. Or even, wasn't sure what he could do to help it. I know at least I have the tendency to minimize the urges when I'm talking to other people to keep them from worrying, or to keep from pressuring them. But when you feel that you can't keep yourself safe, and you need someone there, try calling them and explaining that the best way you can. Ideally, this would only be a temporary thing and you would be getting help from adults who understand how to work with these kinds of feelings at the same time.

    Have you gone to a therapist or counselor before to help understand these feelings? And was there anything that triggered these feelings tonight?
     
  14. bonbon718

    bonbon718 Well-Known Member

    I was going to a therapist regularly until about two months ago, and stopped because it stopped being helpful. We were just going over the same things and it wasn't working anymore.
    I don't know what triggered today's episode. I haven't been really good for a long time, so it doesn't take much. I think it was probably thinking about my family, who wants nothing to do with me, for reasons I don't know.

    All I know is I really want to go home and find my blade. I went to a local coffee shop for the afternoon to keep myself around people and from doing anything.. but I don't know if I can not do it when I get home.
     
  15. ThinkingCap

    ThinkingCap Well-Known Member

    Going to the coffee shop was a great idea, but it doesn't seem like it completely distracted you from the urge to sh. Do you think you could call your friend and ask to stay where he is for awhile? Being around people who know you or who you are comfortable with might be a stronger distraction. Sometimes it just takes one joke from a friend to break out of these feelings. I'm sorry you have to deal with a difficult family, seems strange to excommunicate someone without giving them an explanation. Even though it would be a difficult conversation, have you tried asking why?

    I'm really happy you came here and posted about this instead of trying to keep it all inside.
     
  16. bonbon718

    bonbon718 Well-Known Member

    At this point, I would have to call someone who isn't aware of my situation for company. And that is so unappealing that I can't even bring myself to do it.

    I have tried talking to my family... they give non-answers and deny there's any problem. My dad is the one who always tried to keep me connected, but he died in February. (That's part of why I haven't been okay for so long.)
     
  17. ThinkingCap

    ThinkingCap Well-Known Member

    Can't say I blame you for not wanting to go to someone who doesn't know what's happening. If you are still at the coffee shop, you can try holding an ice cube. Just ask for a cup of ice, put a few napkins on your lap, and see if that helps push the urge away. I just get the feeling that you're not looking for an answer to why you feel this way right now, but are rather looking for ways to not feel this way for at least tonight. Would you be alright doing that?
     
  18. bonbon718

    bonbon718 Well-Known Member

    Yeah, I can try it. I don't think it'll help, but I guess it's better than the alternative.
     
  19. ThinkingCap

    ThinkingCap Well-Known Member

    Thank you, it's at least worth a shot. It's hard to focus on figuring out what's wrong, or how to help the way you're feeling when these kinds of urges are happening. I kinda see it as breaking out of this negative feedback loop to get to a place where you are a little more relaxed and can think. What kinds of things to you enjoy doing for fun? Or, what makes you laugh?
     
  20. bonbon718

    bonbon718 Well-Known Member

    Things that used to be fun for me aren't anymore... And lots of things can make me laugh, when I'm in a good mood. You made me think of this one video of a friend's baby laughing. I end up in tears from laughing so hard. I just watched it and ended up just in tears - from it not working, from missing my friend, from realizing how unhappy I am.
     
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.