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#1
I’ve decided I’ll call this the prologue. There a multitude of things I would prefer to describe it, but to keep it simple I think this is what we'll call it. Many will describe it as “from a dark place” or “unstable” upon first reaction, but I assure you it is of rational, sound mind. I have full control of my faculties. I am normal. I don’t want the things I intend to say to be interpreted or analyzed for ulterior motive. There is none. Take your cliches and go fuck yourself. I sympathize with your loss but your experience doesn’t help. At all. I know you were on the brink. Many were. Many are. Still. We’ve lost many loved ones for senseless, stupid reasons. This time though, as selfish and narcissistic it seems, it’s about me. This particular time and space it is about me. It has to be. It’s all there’s left. There are plenty of things in my decades of accumulation of experience so I’ve decided to amass them here, now and maybe in perpetuity if it helps.

I am probably going to kill myself. Don’t freak out. It happens a lot I’ve heard. Most of you noticed the “probably” and have already decided this is for attention. I sympathize. I’ve been there. We all have. So many of us have dealt with threats of suicide from our loved ones. Many of us have suffered loss as well. If this skepticism compels to dismiss the rest of this, I understand. No hard feelings. I hope the reason you found me compels you to help someone. This is my declaration that an end to my life seems like a viable option nonetheless. I also want to be clear I don’t and won’t cause any physical harm to anyone. I’m not a mass killer. I don’t have blueprints of federal buildings and I’m not a conspiracy theorist. I tended to vote right of center but I’m no Neo-Nazi, fringe lunatic, whatever. I don’t want this to cause any concern for anyone’s safety.

I want this to be raw. Who I am. What I’m thinking. I spent too much time worried about grammar, punctuation, repetition, etc. that I’ve resolved to just “putting it out there’. I want it to be clear, I’m not a professional writer. Not even an aspiring one (though I always had several ideas for books). The quotation marks, the style of writing, is all my own. If it is critiqued in a way that makes it seem ‘professional’, yay me! If it is deemed ignorant, no surprise. Despite the crudeness in delivery, I’ve thought this through rather extensively. I haven’t spent any time or effort researching, investigating or ‘reaching out’ at this present time. This is meant to be a fulfillment of waning intellectual gratification. It’s super taboo to talk about suicide. All of the “victims” of suicide are dead so they can’t be reached for comment. No one ever says the deceased was a real piece of shit. People cry. If it’s dramatic enough of a death, your ‘second cousin-on-your-grandmother’s-neighbor's-church-member-in-the sunday-choir’ will be interviewed on the local news saying there was no sign I would be capable of it. It is probably considered a senseless act by many.

I’ve concluded you’re not likely to convince me to not kill myself. I take the occasional break to smoke and those brief moments I am able to collect my thoughts and remained focused. I have internalized a thorough checklist and am confident I’m at a critical moment. I guess this is the ‘come at me, bro’ moment of my life. The choices we make in life are important. Important enough that every decision should be treated like their last. I’m in the process of making my peace with my “loved ones”. When I’m finished I’ll continue my statement for perpetuity and then make my proposal to the ether. I have just one answer yet to get and this is the purpose of my current “project”.

How long must you wander in the darkness, taking step after step, with no hope the next foot falls on ground? How long do you live hoping there is light ahead? An endless falling into an abyss and it’s met with “just keep walking”, “one foot in front another”, “what about your <insert here>, etc. Hearing the talking points feels so demeaning. What tips the scales in favor of one choice over another when there’s not only no risk but no reward for either choice? Conscious life and suffering versus completion of the attempt we call “life”. Do any of us live forever? When is tolerating suffering worth the ‘smell of the roses’?

So here’s where I am. I am alone. I can count the people in my life on both hands. Why I’m alone is another story. I’m broke. No money and maybe a truck full of personal property. Why I’m broke is another story. I have no options. This is why I’m here. I have one choice left. I want to present my case for both scenarios. Maybe after this the decision will be easier for either or both, who knows? It occurs to me just now that this would’ve been an interesting case study to me haha. Weird that laughing doesn’t have the same power it used to. A lot of stuff feels less powerful now. Oddly, it feels nice to surrender.
 

Walker

Hopper, Skipper, Jumper
Staff member
ADMIN
SF Social Media
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#2
Hello to you -
Welcome to the SF. We're glad you're here with us talking about your life. This is the prologue, is it? Well I'll be looking forward to the next bit. You sound like a great many of the folks who come through here - tired, alone and unsure what the future holds. I hope that venting out your thoughts makes a difference. See you around ok? Be safe.
 

BlueGreen

Well-Known Member
#4
This is the place to be completely honest. This is the place where talking about suicide is not taboo. What I've 'decided for attention' is your last sentence. No-one can stop you committing suicide. I laugh inwardly too at the fact no-one around me would guess I've been close to it. In fact, I know I'm only living for my son because there is no way, not a snowflake's hope in hell, I can live on a planet without him. So I may have decades left, maybe a week. Maybe once he's settled, I don't know but I've decided to live for him. Now that you have been completely honest and you've surrendered, perhaps there's a way you can find a way to live a life more honest? It's entirely up to you but this is a good place to be for now. And yes, of course we want you to stay around! When I get to a really bad place it feels as if I've stripped away the bullshit too but then I get through it and realise that's not the only reality.
 

JmpMster

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#5
I’ve decided I’ll call this the prologue. There a multitude of things I would prefer to describe it, but to keep it simple I think this is what we'll call it. Many will describe it as “from a dark place” or “unstable” upon first reaction, but I assure you it is of rational, sound mind. I have full control of my faculties. I am normal. I don’t want the things I intend to say to be interpreted or analyzed for ulterior motive. There is none. Take your cliches and go fuck yourself. I sympathize with your loss but your experience doesn’t help. At all. I know you were on the brink. Many were. Many are. Still. We’ve lost many loved ones for senseless, stupid reasons. This time though, as selfish and narcissistic it seems, it’s about me. This particular time and space it is about me. It has to be. It’s all there’s left. There are plenty of things in my decades of accumulation of experience so I’ve decided to amass them here, now and maybe in perpetuity if it helps.

I am probably going to kill myself. Don’t freak out. It happens a lot I’ve heard. Most of you noticed the “probably” and have already decided this is for attention. I sympathize. I’ve been there. We all have. So many of us have dealt with threats of suicide from our loved ones. Many of us have suffered loss as well. If this skepticism compels to dismiss the rest of this, I understand. No hard feelings. I hope the reason you found me compels you to help someone. This is my declaration that an end to my life seems like a viable option nonetheless. I also want to be clear I don’t and won’t cause any physical harm to anyone. I’m not a mass killer. I don’t have blueprints of federal buildings and I’m not a conspiracy theorist. I tended to vote right of center but I’m no Neo-Nazi, fringe lunatic, whatever. I don’t want this to cause any concern for anyone’s safety.

I want this to be raw. Who I am. What I’m thinking. I spent too much time worried about grammar, punctuation, repetition, etc. that I’ve resolved to just “putting it out there’. I want it to be clear, I’m not a professional writer. Not even an aspiring one (though I always had several ideas for books). The quotation marks, the style of writing, is all my own. If it is critiqued in a way that makes it seem ‘professional’, yay me! If it is deemed ignorant, no surprise. Despite the crudeness in delivery, I’ve thought this through rather extensively. I haven’t spent any time or effort researching, investigating or ‘reaching out’ at this present time. This is meant to be a fulfillment of waning intellectual gratification. It’s super taboo to talk about suicide. All of the “victims” of suicide are dead so they can’t be reached for comment. No one ever says the deceased was a real piece of shit. People cry. If it’s dramatic enough of a death, your ‘second cousin-on-your-grandmother’s-neighbor's-church-member-in-the sunday-choir’ will be interviewed on the local news saying there was no sign I would be capable of it. It is probably considered a senseless act by many.

I’ve concluded you’re not likely to convince me to not kill myself. I take the occasional break to smoke and those brief moments I am able to collect my thoughts and remained focused. I have internalized a thorough checklist and am confident I’m at a critical moment. I guess this is the ‘come at me, bro’ moment of my life. The choices we make in life are important. Important enough that every decision should be treated like their last. I’m in the process of making my peace with my “loved ones”. When I’m finished I’ll continue my statement for perpetuity and then make my proposal to the ether. I have just one answer yet to get and this is the purpose of my current “project”.

How long must you wander in the darkness, taking step after step, with no hope the next foot falls on ground? How long do you live hoping there is light ahead? An endless falling into an abyss and it’s met with “just keep walking”, “one foot in front another”, “what about your <insert here>, etc. Hearing the talking points feels so demeaning. What tips the scales in favor of one choice over another when there’s not only no risk but no reward for either choice? Conscious life and suffering versus completion of the attempt we call “life”. Do any of us live forever? When is tolerating suffering worth the ‘smell of the roses’?

So here’s where I am. I am alone. I can count the people in my life on both hands. Why I’m alone is another story. I’m broke. No money and maybe a truck full of personal property. Why I’m broke is another story. I have no options. This is why I’m here. I have one choice left. I want to present my case for both scenarios. Maybe after this the decision will be easier for either or both, who knows? It occurs to me just now that this would’ve been an interesting case study to me haha. Weird that laughing doesn’t have the same power it used to. A lot of stuff feels less powerful now. Oddly, it feels nice to surrender.

Well, I did read it and I must say it is an incredibly strong magnet for a virtual truck full of cliches that you have already decided do not apply. It is a comfortable place to sit at in your own mind, believing that it is in fact so unique and special and different from all other issues and stories. It is very easy to convince oneself of logic and reason when the measure of those come from the exact same place where the issues are. It is very easy to talk of logic and reason and of why it all makes sense without containing a fact or description of a situation that even the writing of that situation would leave you open to your own reflection and interpretation , much less subject those "reasoned and logical" facts to possible dissent or the pointing out of both flaws logic and of other options. But it is your post to write what you wish and share what you wish.

Sadly, it in fact sounds neither greatly different nor more unique than many other posts when people first arrive and it is unlikely that the issues behind it are any more unique or different, nor lacking in real solutions either. But if a person closes their eyes and refuses to open them- and then the person chooses to argue the room is dark and that the light is not on, they can argue it with vehemence and self assurance and confidence for hours. But it does not change the fact the light is on and the only reason they do not see it is because they refuse to open their eyes.
 
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#6
Hello to you -
Welcome to the SF. We're glad you're here with us talking about your life. This is the prologue, is it? Well I'll be looking forward to the next bit. You sound like a great many of the folks who come through here - tired, alone and unsure what the future holds. I hope that venting out your thoughts makes a difference. See you around ok? Be safe.
Thanks. Yes, I'm considering it the prologue because I have more I want documented in case there are any questions in the future. I don't want my words, feelings or views misrepresented. My next post will be about why I don't deserve sympathy or empathy. Thanks for taking the time to read it.
 
#7
Well, I did read it and I must say it is an incredibly strong magnet for a virtual truck full of cliches that you have already decided do not apply. It is a comfortable place to sit at in your own mind, believing that it is in fact so unique and special and different from all other issues and stories. It is very easy to convince oneself of logic and reason when the measure of those come from the exact same place where the issues are. It is very easy to talk of logic and reason and of why it all makes sense without containing a fact or description of a situation that even the writing of that situation would leave you open to your own reflection and interpretation , much less subject those "reasoned and logical" facts to possible dissent or the pointing out of both flaws logic and of other options. But it is your post to write what you wish and share what you wish.

Sadly, it in fact sounds neither greatly different nor more unique than many other posts when people first arrive and it is unlikely that the issues behind it are any more unique or different, nor lacking in real solutions either. But if a person closes their eyes and refuses to open them- and then the person chooses to argue the room is dark and that the light is not on, they can argue it with vehemence and self assurance and confidence for hours. But it does not change the fact the light is on and the only reason they do not see it is because they refuse to open their eyes.
There's a lot to agree with you in your reply. There's also a few things to disagree with. The truckload of cliches, the refusal to open their eyes, and the lack of uniqueness in my situation has now suddenly convinced me to change my mind. I really had no idea my situation was like most. Who knew how narcissistic one can be? What will I ever do now that I'm not special? Thanks for being condescending and belittling.
 
#8
hmmm...just wonder why you need our audience for that? Honestly, I feel a little abused by being called as a reader but not allowed to raise any comments that would be necessary to ...dunno...find something more on the scale than rational thinking? Why do you tell us? What do you feel?
What are your circumstances? Your struggles? (except the obvious)
I hope you will find back to the light in your life but sticking to rational thinking only has not helped me much.
 

Sunspots

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#9
I can't help agreeing with you @Supernova
This is a peer support group. The emphasis is on support. But yet you don't seem to actually want support. If you've got it all so clearly sorted in your head why are you here? What do you hope to gain from documenting your story here?
 
#10
I can't help agreeing with you @Supernova
This is a peer support group. The emphasis is on support. But yet you don't seem to actually want support. If you've got it all so clearly sorted in your head why are you here? What do you hope to gain from documenting your story here?
Astute reply and I'm grateful. As I've been documenting my immediate journey, I discover many personal thoughts that were hidden somewhere deep down. My memories and conclusions about them are undoubtedly influencing my current thoughts and it's why I am taking my time to document things as closely as possible to what I'm CURRENTLY thinking. I have many more parts to this story that I want available in case of confusion or needed clarification. To the point of not wanting support: I'm not entirely sure. Does support only come in the form of trying to convince someone to change their mind?

Thanks for the reply. I'm waiting for a couple people in my life to meet with, and I'll continue to the next part.
 
#11
We are a pro-life forum. So talking about methods and any glorification of death is not in line with our rules. That could trigger other members and yeah, is just not helpful. We are not convincing anyone but we try to be there for each other and help. Have a look into other threads to get an impression if SF could be a place for you. I finally found some caring friends here and wouldnt wanna miss this place anymore.
But look, when you cannot distance yourself from suicidal ideation anymore then this definitly goes beyond what we as a peer support forum can offer.
OK, I hope you find a way to stay and feel comfortable and tell some more details about what is currently going on over there in your life. I am really interested.
Anne
 
#12
I apologize for the imposition. I apologize for questioning the definition of support. I apologize for not being blindly receptive to "support" after decades of neglect and abandonment. I am grateful for this forum. I'm certain many, many people receive support by being here. I spent many years advocating for life and now I feel hypocritical and all the words I shared during that time seem hollow. Now I can't help but feel like those years helping others were for me (the gratification of 'helping' someone) and less about solving any of the people's problems. I'll be removing myself from the forum moving forward. I've decided in favor of a Google Drive Link to share with those I think would care even a little. Thank you to everyone that read and/or replied.
 

Sunspots

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Staff member
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#13
Now I can't help but feel like those years helping others were for me (the gratification of 'helping' someone) and less about solving any of the people's problems.
Actually, that gratification of helping others is really important. There's nothing hypocritical about it. It's why so many experts extol the idea of volunteering to people suffering from depression.
I've decided in favor of a Google Drive Link to share with those I think would care even a little.
A Google drive link (not actually sure what that is) would probably be a better option if your sole purpose is documentation of your story. But, if you give the people here a chance, you will see that they do care more than just a little. And that includes you if you'll let us.
 
#14
Hello,
I'm not going to throw out the typical cliches or empathy quotes. As I'm sure you have heard them all and have made your peace. But, I sense a part of you wants to be heard. Even the name you pick, suggest you have left an "out". Its okay if you don't want to talk, nobody is forcing you too. But, it be nice to know to find out, what has brought you to this point. Again, you need to answer anyone. Myself, I was just curious. I'm sure in those years of looking for support, you've never been here. Hopefully, whatever you choose, I hope you finally find peace. We'll always be here regardless.
 

DrownedFishOnFire

Life is a big adventure
Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#15
All I see is the black dog behind those words trying to reason with it, making peace with it, trying to make sense of it. Its still your beast to master at the end of the day. Its your life to live not ours. Pity I feel for you. You let that dog lead your life as of late.

Whats the rush after all? One life to live. Been homeless myself before. Been in worst places before. People hated me IRL regardless if I deserved it or not. I am still here. Dont let the black dog win this one its purpose is to diminish that ember of life within. There is options YOU think you have. That dog is clouding your ability to see other options. There is many possibilities. Your life can change in a blink of an eye literally.
 
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