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Fishing for a Reason

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Agrigor, Apr 29, 2008.

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  1. Agrigor

    Agrigor Active Member

    My situation: I have Psychotic/Melancholic Depressive disorder. To be a little more clear, I'm always depressed, am occasionally haunted by a voice hounding me to kill myself and even at the best of times I can't feel happiness.

    I've been in and out of the hospital three times, have tried countless anti-depressants and anti-psychotics and nothing really works. There's no way in hell I'm going to try Electro-convulsive therapy - the side-affects aren't worth it to me - so where does that place me?

    The only thing keeping me still alive is my lack of methods available. I'm in Canada and a minor, so I could never get a firearm, and I lack the willpower to do anything like drowning or hanging.

    I guess my reason in posting here is one final cry out to someone to give me reason to live.
  2. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    Hey there Agrigor (I like the username, btw!),

    I'll straight out say that I cannot give you a reason to live, as reasons for people to keep fighting, to continue their lives are different to each individual. For some people hope for the future works, for other people sports work, for other people their pets, and so on. I guess it's about searching. Seeking that thing that keeps you passionate, what makes life worth living to you.

    I know for me it's my dream to travel throughout Australia after I graduate from uni and have worked to save up money for some years. What about you?
    Maybe try thinking of a dream or something you'd really like to have done in your life before you'd die?
  3. Agrigor

    Agrigor Active Member

    I've already been through one of my dreams. It brought me no happiness. If things stay as they are now, I'll probably be at least as good as most IT professionals before I leave high school and I have already built my own computer. The people in my ComSci class often say they envy me, but I find no happiness in what is an unusual blessing. Living for work is out of the question.

    My cat can hardly justify living.

    My friends, they aren't even bad, but still bring me no happiness.

    Family? Same deal.

    Hedonism? I can't find any fun anywhere.
  4. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Why not try living to improve your mood??? sounds oximoronic but was one of the only reasons why I lived for a while...said to myself that this _____ depression was not going to kill me, that the ppl of my past who abused me were not going to win, and I would find a better space in my life...and yes, I have .... not all the time, not without a lot of work, but the nightmares and flashbacks, the overriding vail of depression and the obsession with killing myself is gone...of course, I fear its return, and I work each day, really each conscious time I think of it, to take back the power...please PM me if I can help in anyway...big hugs, J
  5. Agrigor

    Agrigor Active Member

    Trying to get better has dominated this past year for me. Nothing.
  6. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    It can take longer than a year, unfortunately :sad: It takes time. A lot of time and hard work. And I know you're probably sick of the 'it takes time' sort of statements, but it's the truth. I can't make it any better than it is :dunno:

  7. Agrigor

    Agrigor Active Member

    Why go through all the bother? I'm not interested in letting myself build my own Tower of Babel.
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