So, I'm not really sure what to write here. All I know is that I feel this way and I have no idea how to express it productively, or even positively. I am ridiculously self destructive. I've attempted suicide once, several years ago. I've self harmed in every imaginable way on every part of my body, and I am scarred by it all. I've sat or laid down in the dark and contemplated my life, contemplated my meaningless existence in a world I despise. My hatred of life, of people, of sex and of authority are only matched by my absolute fear of it all. It's my main drive in the world, it excites me, it confuses me, it attracts me, because the rage, the fear and the physical and emotional pain are sometimes better than the feeling of nothingness that seems to follow me. Even if I sit in a relatively good mood, I will have a painfully vivid thought of (trigger) slicing my wrist. I can almost feel it, I can certainly see it, I'm obsessed with these fleeting or existing images. I am obsessed to the point of complete fixation of imagining the image, to feeling it. This was always there, I used to make my lips bleed as a 4 year old because I was fixated with seeing the red on my tiny little fingertips. I'm transfixed by images such as this, Another slightly disturbing thing. My dolls would torture each other, and as I used to write from 10+, every story had a description of blood and as I got older, the descriptions got much more specific and longer. My dreams nearly always have blood in them too. There is a music video by a rock band that uses blood as symbolism by covering grey painted actors with it, and it running down grey walls, and I watched it over and over for an hour when I first came across it. I actually feel something when I see it. I genuinely have no idea why this is, and the weirdest thing is I surround myself in blue, even using blue lights in my own room because I can't stand to be around red walls, lights, clothes or objects/furniture, and I have always been like this. I have been this way for as long as I can remember and I have no idea why. There were times I would self harm quite badly and I would be unable to look away afterwards. A dozen or so seconds could turn out to have literally been 20 minutes of staring down silently. I don't know what this is, why I have this weird thought process, but it's been there for as long as I remember. I used to have a lot of trouble as a 5-6 year old with my family because my lips would swell because I'd pick at them for hours to get the blood on my fingers, and I hated the punishments from it, I just needed to see it. Ehh, odd topic and it's a little long, I don't really expect anyone to answer, but it is nice to write this down.