It's been months since I've been able to sleep properly - nightmares of my past. I wake to see my pillows on the floor, my bed sheet in a mess. I suffer from thoughts of people wanting to hurt me, my life being better off not existing anymore. It's been over six weeks since I've been on my medications. The thoughts and sleep has become worse since I've stopped taken my medications. I can NOT get help regarding medication here, and without a job at the moment or insurance it's making it even worse. Every since I started talking to my pdoc months ago, bringing up past memories, they have started haunting me twice as bad. I look at my deceased fathers picture each day wishing he was still alive. I know me and him had our differences, he was the only person I could ever turn to...but now he is gone. I wish I could just fade and see him on the other side so I could feel his comfort. My family feels there is nothing wrong with me tho two Dr's have both came to the conclusion of bi-polar, mood disorder and depression. My family tells me I'm just full of it, all of this mental illness is a bunch of sh*t. I always tell them if only they were able to be in my shoes, feel what I feel and think what I think. I know I'm fading slowly, I've already lost seven pounds within a month because I just don't feel like eating anymore. I'm down to 128 pnds and I'm 33 years old If anyone is familiar with the GAF score, mine came back a 40 I just wish the dreams would fade, the thoughts would stop racing, and the depression would end.