flashbacks

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by mpang123, Nov 2, 2013.

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  1. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    I'm having disturbing flashbacks on my last attempt and I'm getting really emotional and having anxiety attacks. I'm not suicidal, but I wish I could go somewhere that have people trained to deal with people like me who are survivors but need to process their experiences safely. I don't know if I should call the crisis line because usually all they care is if I'm suicidal or homicidal. If I say neither, they will not help me. I have a long weekend and can't get support from my counselors. I feel so overwhelmed with thoughts and visions and I don't know what to do. Any ideas?
     
  2. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    FYI, I've been searching the internet for possible drugs to OD on so I can end up nearly dead again. Memories and emotions are overwhelming. I want to be unconscious so I can be numb and not think of anything. I can't live with the thoughts. Nobody wants to hear my pain. It gets old after awhile. That's why I'm narrowing down my choices of what to OD on. I've got a plan. I just need to go to the store when I get a chance and do it to get it out of the way. Maybe this will alleviate my suffering a bit.
     
  3. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    mpang, I am sorry this is happening to you. do your consellors have emergency contact info? I do think its important to talk with someone irl. If they are not available to return a phone call on the weekend, I am wondering if you could call United way and ask if they know of anything other than what you already know of for services in the area you live. They have such an extensive database. the phone number is 211. I grimace when I write that. Because I figure by now people are sick of reading it on posts from me. But I do think its worth a try. Just in case they might know of some other resource.... someone to talk with.
     
  4. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    I'm just going through a deep depression this weekend. I looked at my OD choices and they won't be deadly enough. However, I risk living independently if I act on my suicidal ideations. I have to wager which is better, to lose it all, or get help some support someway.
     
  5. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    Sucks. Nobody to talk to and nobody to listen to me. Not here because I can't go to the nitty gritty. I have to stick it out and hope I'll be ok by morning. I just took my meds so maybe I'll wake up in a better mood. Nobody is there for me. Sucks.
     
  6. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    Just found another way. Sounds scary
     
  7. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    what do you mean? if you are talking about oding can you call the crisis center? Please? We need you here. you know how hard it is for us to lose a member of the community we care about. Will you call the crisis center? :hug:
     
  8. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    What am I doing? I'm reading my gratitude list to keep me grounded
     
  9. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Brilliant. Awesome idea. This might help also. Its a video of flowers blooming. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5jt03qSdleo
     
  10. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    I wished that nobody, my family, friends and neighbors, told me how I was when I was in the hospital. It's their descriptions of me that I keep dwelling on day after day. Those images keep bothering me. It shocks me about the whole ordeal and I can't get rid of it and move on. I've had multiple attempts in my past and none of them affected me the way this time happened. The constant reminder of how I was makes me anxious and believe it or not, I want to go back in that comatose state and start all over. Actually, I want to thank everybody involved who saved my life, but I can't make amends like I want to. I don't know who the EMS were, the police involved, the doctors and nurses who treated me. All these unresolved gratitude I have for them makes me feel incomplete. I want complete closure to all my questions but I don't think that will ever be possible. That leaves me hanging and I can't get over it. The feelings are so intense. I don't want to keep talking about it in group therapy cuz I've been dealing with this from day one when I woke up in the hospital. It's too disturbing for others but how does it make me feel??? I'm the one that created this whole mess!!! I blame myself for this and I am just so sorry that I affected everybody who knows me. When I think about all these things, I well up in tears and feel so sad, like I am right now. I can't change the past, but why do I keep thinking about it? I sound redundant so I'll quit for now. Bye.
     
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