Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by f'dupjarhead, Dec 7, 2007.

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  1. f'dupjarhead

    f'dupjarhead New Member

    I am a 27 yo EX-Marine Sgt. I served in iraq, sunni triangle (triangle of death says the news channels) I go to therapy at the local VA, take piles of meds, and nothing helps. I still flashback, have nightmares every time i sleep, and suffer from severe depression and anxiety. I used to work on cars to take my mind off of things, or play video games, but now nothing hinders my flashbacks or helps with anything. i'm getting to the point where i can no longer take it. I operated well under the conditions of true battle, but when the battle is in my mind, i cannot control the outcome. this leaves me anxious, on edge, depressed, and isolated. I flashed back at the classic car restoration shop that i worked at, and my boss gave me a "week off" which i'm sure is the predecessor to being let go. I no longer have any desire to see my sons, 6 and 3, (i'm divorced, go figure) i really have no desire to do anything. I just sit in my apartment and try to think of something else but the war. Not working. I dont know if this makes any sense to anyone, i just type as i think. but i really just lost my "give a s**t" anymore. I am sick of the nightmares, waking two or three times a night in a cold sweat. I am just sick of it all. My therapy involves me sitting iwth a bunch of Vietnam vets who know nothing of what I went through, their war was three decades ago. The pills I take dont do anything, i get them changed every couple of months, but theres nothing that touches the nightmares or the anxiety. Does anyone have any ideas how to make this all go away?
  2. Melancholy

    Melancholy Well-Known Member

    Welcome to SF :smile:

    I wish I could help, I truely do. But I'm afraid that all I can offer is a listening ear and a place to vent. My PM box is always open for that. I hope you find someone here to relate to, and get the support you deserve to get through this.

    Take care
  3. smackh2o

    smackh2o SF Supporter

    I heard from my granmother once about a guy who was caught in a POW camp in Japan in WW2. Every night he would dream of home while he was there. As soon as he was released and was home, every night he would dream of the camp.
    If all else is failing it might be worth trying to find out how other war survivors who have similar problems are coping. There may even be a society out there somewhere with lots of help available. I've never experienced war but I can guess it isn't even slightly a nice experience. The trauma you soldiers go through should never be allowed.
  4. Beret

    Beret Staff Alumni

    Im so sorry what you are going thru. Wish i knew how to help. Unfortunatly i dont, sometimes i even start to cry when i see reports on TV. Feel free to pm me anytime or my msn is beretwoi@hotmail.com perhaps it helps you to get some distraction when u wake up at night. Hope you feel better soon.
    Beret xx
  5. Perishable

    Perishable Well-Known Member

    Do you feel guilty or forced into war? As if it wasn't your choice to go there?
    ...You're nightmares are like reinactments of what you went through? Correct?

    Hmmm...let me know.
  6. RySp123

    RySp123 Guest

    Being an ex-marine, you still have right to be cured by the veterans' health system. Others in similar situations there (vet.) might be a good place to start to seek help and free as war related issue.

    Here you might find comfort yet the help is relative to support as for at the vet. you can get real tangeable help and assistance (pschiatristi-therapist-counselor-psicologist etc)

    Wishing you a quick and complete recovery.
  7. f'dupjarhead

    f'dupjarhead New Member

    I have already been through the whole VA thing, it doesnt do anything, all the VA does is hop you up on drugs and shove you out the door. I'm sick of the feeling that the drugs give me, i'm just high all the time, not emotionally high, highg like i smoked drugs or something, and they dont do what they say they are supposed to.

    i'm getting the feeling that my brain is irrevocably broken. and thats whats driving me insane....
  8. Hazel

    Hazel SF & Antiquitie's Friend Staff Alumni

    Hello and welcome to Sf, I can understand what you are going through, the nightmares, the flashbacks, the sounds, the smells..... my experience is minor in comparison to what you have come through but it does give me some insight into the hell you are living in.
    (I was involved in the Omagh bomb in 1998 and subsequently developed PTSD & severe depression).
    If you would like to talk please pm me, perhaps we could chat on MSN or Yahoo.

  9. wanttodie

    wanttodie Well-Known Member

    i feel extremely sorry for you because its not even your fault.
  10. wonderer

    wonderer Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear you're having such a rough time. I get flashbacks too (I'm not a vet., mine's from other shit). And nightmares and panic attacks.
    Obviously, its totally different, but for me if I spend time with other people, that tends to cut WAY down on the flashbacks. Doesn't get rid of them, but makes them less frequent. As far as the anxiety, that ends up driving me up a wall because I actually start throwing up because of it. The meds didn't help me either. The only thing I've been able to do is, when I have to get used to a new place, go there early and just sit there and be sick until I can get used to the place. I just have to give it time.
    I know your situation is totally different, but I hope you find something that'll help.
  11. f'dupjarhead

    f'dupjarhead New Member

    I wonder about God sometimes, and i'm afraid if he does exist, because i will be judged for the things i have done, both in Iraq and here. "Thou shalt not Kill" is a pretty solid rule... and i have broken many times over... and those moments haunt me daily... I wish there were a way to kill these thoughts....the nightmares... i dont know really how much a person is supposed to take.. i think i have already passed that point long, long ago... and now, with my friends dead, the rest of my friends gone back to the war, and living here alone. I really hate the feelings i've been having.
  12. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    "Thou shalt not kill" is kind of a mistranslation. It originally stated "Thou shalt not commit murder", which I'm sure you know is very, very different from a wartime situation. I dunno if you're Catholic or not, but have you ever thought of going to confession and letting it all out there for absolution? Always makes me feel so much better. Just a thought.
  13. f'dupjarhead

    f'dupjarhead New Member

    im not religious... if there was a god, i wouldnt have to suffer like this
  14. Melmoth the Wanderer

    Melmoth the Wanderer Well-Known Member

    I've never been in your situation--even watching the war on the news channel makes me panic--but my grandfather (WWII vet) suffered from similar symptoms. I know this because my mother allowed me to read his writings after he passed away two years ago. What he went through was unimaginable. He was physically injured in the war as well, and he got some great help from the government on that account, but any psychological aid was noticeably lacking. According to my grandmother, the war took away his intrinsic love of life and his fearless spirit. However, he lived a long life, had five children and six grandchildren, and was a kind and gentle man nonetheless.

    I know the government is not providing adequate mental health care, and this makes me livid. We put people like you into horrifying and inhuman situations, and then expect you to just be okay with it.

    IMO, you need to find a private, independent psychiatrist (and a psychologist if you have the means or know of someone who does both). I say getting a psychiatrist is more important at this point, because the severe anxiety and lack of sleep need to be taken care of first before you can truly face this trauma. You may be able to find someone who specializes in PTSD (btw, have you been diagnosed with this yet? It sounds like it's been going on quite a while). Cognitive therapy and exposure therapy would probably be most beneficial, but just talking to someone who is really listening can do wonders as well.

    Sorry I sound like a know-it-all, I just researched this disorder a bit when I found out my grandfather had it. I hope you can find the help you need. Let me know how things are going if you can.
  15. down_and_low

    down_and_low Active Member

    I am religious, and because of that i haven't been able to take the final step. I'm too afraid of going to hell when i die.
    If you feel you've done things you regret in life, you can repent by prayer. God can forgive anything, all you need to do is truely believe and honestly ask for forgivness.
    I know it's hard to believe in a God with all this suffering, but having faith has preserved me thus far, and i'm thankful for that. Even though living is painful for me, the thought of a heaven gives me encouragement. Even if you don't believe in God, belief in something can be a great comfort, and can give you the strength to carry on.
    You're not alone, we're all here for you!
  16. ozinuk

    ozinuk Well-Known Member

    F'dupjarhead, I sympathise and understand everything you say, flash backs are my nightmares, smells, sounds, shadows are all triggers and all of this is labelled PTSD. Fortunately I received the best care the australian defence force could give but in my case the physical injuries made things that much worse. I'd like to say it was of help to me but it wasn't, the mental scares run way to deep. I too am not a religious man but if I have to answer my maker (for the things I have done in the service of my country) and have to spend time in purgatory I will answer no thank you so I have just come from there. Talk to the vietnam vets they can be of more help than you realise.

    The suicide rate for Viet Nam Vets is 86% higher than the national average of peers of the same age group.
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