flipping out and going nuts...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by wonderer, Dec 26, 2007.

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  1. wonderer

    wonderer Well-Known Member

    I don't know what to do with myself.
    I spent this past week being so depressed that I couldn't talk. Now the depressions lifting, but I don't want it to.
    My only hope for getting any help right now is to try and get myself in hospital or partial hospital, and I'm afraid that, because I'm doing a little better now, they're not going to take me.
    I'm scared of going, but I'm on break from school now, so if I'm ever gonna go, nows the time I should do it. The school isn't going to give me accomodations or let me miss class cuz I'm in the hospital, I'd just get kicked out.
    Because I'm so f'ing scared of going, I wanna talk to my one friend who's actually gone before, but she hasn't spoken to me since thanksgiving.
    On the same note, I'm avoiding turning on my cell this morning cuz then I can still hope that maybe she called yesterday or something, even though I know she didn't. She hates me now :(
    And I'm still debating whether or not I should mail her xmas card, since I know she doesn't want to talk to me. And I know I'm never going to know if she got it. And I'm never going to be good enough for her. Even if I can and do fix everything thats wrong with me, she's never going to speak to me again. But she's the one person I actually want to talk to.
    She told me the last time we spoke that she'd always be there if I needed her, but that doesn't mean a whole lot... All it means is that if I call her up in a crisis she'll listen to me - just listen, not say anything...
    I hate myself so much for screwing things up with her. I'd rather die than know that I'm just gonna end up doing the same thing with everyone else cuz I can't fix myself. No one's been able to help me at all yet, and I don't really think anyone will be able to. And I don't think I'm even worth their time and effort...
    Rae
     
  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Call her. Tell her you want to go to hospital. Maybe arrange for her to come and visit you there and you can sit and have a long talk about everything. Then regardless of the outcome you are in a safe place to deal with your emotions after the visit.
     
  3. wonderer

    wonderer Well-Known Member

    :( She lives 5 hours away, I very much doubt she'd come. And I doubt she'd actually talk to me, especially about us.
     
  4. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    So sorry, but I really don't know anything about your situation. But if there was even the slightest chance that she was still intereseted in friendship, I think she would make the effort. MAybe by you making the first move, and letting her know how important she still is, things could be resolved to atleast a level that you can communicate. You should at least try for your own peace of mind. But i still think that the hospital is the right choice, if nothing else, give yourself a chance to rest and gather your thoughts. Good luck and if you want to talk about this, pm me.
     
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