'Flirting with Death'

[LaLaLullaby]

I'm so obsessed with suicide...have been for SO long. There's really no reason for me to go. My life is fine. I'm fine. But man...I want it so bad...
Trying to plan it perfectly so it's less shocking for everyone else, but a way that I like.

Then again, why am I doing it?

Boo. Me and my love affairs. XD
I need to pick better suitors.

 

[smackh2o]

Are you sure your life is fine? And even if it is, can you be sure this is not an obssesive compulsive disorder? Do you find you're thinking of it for no reason at all but you can't get it out of your head?

 

[LaLaLullaby]

Yes. I am a bit obsessive, but I'm not compulsive at all.
My life is fine...I can't think of one thing to complain about.

 

[smackh2o]

My doc told me not long ago that there is a type of depression that can come out of nowhere and is just chemically imbalancing. You could be on top of the world and be a lottery winner and it can affect you. Also, you might have had problems in the past but they are sorted, but it may have left you with depression. Do you think you may be depressed? Trademarks are things like obvious up and downs and hopelessness, lethargy, sleeping problems, eating patterns, if you didnt alrady know sorry.

It's worth looking into and seeing someone about it. You shouldnt be thinking about dying for no reason at all. Is it like, you just want to die? Or is it your mood that tells you you want to die? Sorry for all the questions, i'm just trying to understand.

 

[LaLaLullaby]

h20:
"Do you think you may be depressed? Trademarks are things like obvious up and downs and hopelessness, lethargy, sleeping problems, eating patterns, if you didnt alrady know sorry."

I dunno. I do have sleeping problems, but none of the rest. There are no obvious ups and downs. No one notices (good thing).

"It's worth looking into and seeing someone about it. "

They'll send me back to the damn hospital again x_x

"Is it like, you just want to die? Or is it your mood that tells you you want to die?"

Just want to. My mood seems fine. Having a bit of physical problems though. My chest feels like it's ripping apart, I'm nauseous, everything feels too hot, and sometimes I get bad headaches.
Besides that...I'm honestly doing okay.

Weird, huh?

 

[smackh2o]

It's definitly something i've never heard of before. What were you in hospital for if you don't mind me asking sorry? And do the docs know about how you've been feeling, or planning rather?

 

[LaLaLullaby]

h20:
"What were you in hospital for if you don't mind me asking sorry?"
First time- suicidal ideation. Got out in a week.

2 months later....

In for cutting isses. Got out in 2 weeks.

3 months later....

In for suicide attempt. Gone for 8 months.
Now I'm stuck in a therapeutic school.

The docs know nothing about this. I don't want to be sent back. And they will...they'll send you back for a simple cut in this school. Disturbing.

 

[smackh2o]

Your condition is very worrying. What do the docs think it is, or are they clueless. Are you sure can't think of any reason why you have suicidal thoughts? There must be some sort of goal towards it because if there wasnt then you wouldnt care about living or dying. But you seem adamant about suicide, as if it's giving you energy just thinking about it.

 

[~Nobody~]

Borderline Personality Disorder?

 

[LaLaLullaby]

Your condition is very worrying. What do the docs think it is, or are they clueless. Are you sure can't think of any reason why you have suicidal thoughts? There must be some sort of goal towards it because if there wasnt then you wouldnt care about living or dying. But you seem adamant about suicide, as if it's giving you energy just thinking about it.

"What do the docs think it is, or are they clueless."

I told them about voices and stuff. I kind of made some stuff up for the emotions, so they'd leave me alone. Got diagnosd with schizophrenia.

"Are you sure can't think of any reason why you have suicidal thoughts?"

Nah...I really just want to die. I do have talents, intelligence and a bright future, but it's my free will that chooses this unfulfilled dream over that one.

 

[~Nobody~]

I told them about voices and stuff. I kind of made some stuff up for the emotions

I say again, BPD?

Hon', you shouldn't lie to them. :hug:

 

[smackh2o]

So you want to die and are quite happy to die. I don't mean go when I say this, you shouldnt, but why did you end up a on pro-life forum? There is definitly nothing holding you back from doing it?

 

[LaLaLullaby]

Nobody: Oh sorry I didn't see your post. ::Shrugs:: Maybe? I'm not impulsive though

h20smack: I wish I knew why I was on here. Maybe I do want help. Maybe I'm just getting all the opinions I can. Or maybe I'm killing time.

I really don't know.

 

[smackh2o]

Well, like I say to everyone I can about this. We know not a lot about death, but we know that if we die we lose whatever we have now in this place (well we don't know that either, we dont know anything). All i'm saying is, if we do only have one chance at this life and there could be nothing else, then we might as well give it our all. In your case, I think you could really do with having a long think about it all and talking about it as much as you can. Get into every nook and crevice of your mind and find your answers. I'm glad you found this place rather than just killed yourself. And you seem quite open and ready to talk about things, so utilise it and learn and teach. Do you have any goals in life by the way, or anything you wished you have done but havent yet?

 

[LaLaLullaby]

h20:
It's like there's two dreams in my head...
One: Go to college with my awesome scholarship, become a physician assistant, meet all types of people and learn new things, find my new abilities and talents, be everything I can be
Two: Die by suicide as soon as possible
Both are very tempting. Very, very tempting, but for now, I sway to suicide.

It's not that I believe there's definitely something after death. I have no idea. That doesn't stop me though.

 

[jr1]

LaLaLullaby,
You are very sick and this infatuation with death will be your demise someday if you don't get help. Sounds like teenage angst and the pageantry that is the funeral. But after the funeral, when the people walk away and leave the cemetery, they will go back to their lives and you won't have yours. Get some help, if you're thinking of death, your not thinking of living and that's a waste.

 

[LaLaLullaby]

jr:
Perhaps it is teen angst. But I don't want them to care. I don't want anyone to be hurt from my suicide.
I love so many people and they love me, so many social obligations, I don't want to shatter anyone- but I do want to go away forever.
I'd rather not have a funeral.
Be too painful for some.

My parents...x_x
Their naivete will be destroyed.

I feel guilty for them constantly trusting me no matter what I do.
What am I supposed to do?

Do something I want or what everybody else wants?
I should be allowed to be selfish for once.

 

[jr1]

With the options that you describe below, it's really inconceivable to me that you're infatuated with suicide. Sounds like you have decent parents (Unless I missed something). Going away to college on scholarship, learning new things, you even know what you want to do (a physician's assistant).

If I may talk directly for a moment, because I feel it's what you need, what is this all about? Do you understand that when they cremate you or put you in the ground there will be some pain and tears from some and some horrible agony for others, but in the end, after some time, life will go on? You will be the one that killed himself/herself forever, whenever your name comes up. Is this what you want?

One of my dearest friends in the world blew the back of his head off last Monday and no one saw it coming. In front of his wife. I talked with him two days before. If he knew the hurt and devastation he's left behind he would've never done it. Six and ten-year-old kids. Best and most gentle father ever. One thing I know is that he wasn't infatuated nor played with the idea of dying. When he decided he was done living, he made sure he succeeded. Now, everytime I think of my dear and close friend since I was 13, I think of how he killed himself and how me and his three closest friends had to clean the blood off of his son's walls.

Please give up this foolishness and start living. There is so much to live for. A sunny day is worth waking up to. And so is the gloomiest. My aunt died of cancer just 2 months ago and she fought like a warrior, battling, fighting, and scratching for every breath right up to her last. She's now in Heaven with God -- the God she loved so much.

 

[LaLaLullaby]

jr:
I see that's your opinion. That's alright.
It seems there's nothing I can do anyway. I commit suicide: everyone around me is upset. I don't commit suicide: everyone around me is fine.
People don't understand it's not a spite thing. I don't want to devastate surrounding persons, but I want to do this.
Maybe it's too hard to accept for others.
Who do I care about more? My loved ones or me? Difficult question. Anything I do really will destroy their feelings or mine.
How annoying, when our best intentions go awry.

 

[gentlelady]

I think that you do have mental health issues LaLaLullaby. This is evident in your history with cutting, your need to draw attention to yourself, your infatuation for suicide and I could probably list other things as I read through more of your posts. You need to be honest with your healthcare provider. Don't make things up for a diagnosis. I know you say you don't want help, or maybe you do, but if you really didn't I don't think you would be spending time here at the forum. I am sorry if you don't like what I have to say. I am in no way a professional and can only say what I think. My opinion, nothing else.