Fly with me

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by burnface, Nov 7, 2012.

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  1. burnface

    burnface Member

    I'll start off with a line from a favorite song of mine:

    I book this room at this place called the Last Resort
    All my bags are packed
    I got my jacket and my passport
    and a first-class ticket to the afterlife you dig me?

    I tried to give it time. Not just with everything that's happened this past year, but everything since I've started feeling this way 15 years ago. I tried to be hopeful and have faith that one day this all will pass. I really tried. I tried to be good. I tried to always do the right thing. I just can't seem to do anything right. I don't want think I have the patience or fortitude to do another 15 years in hopes that things will change for the better. Why keep putting in time and effort into something that isn't going to get better. It's time to fold my cards. I've booked a flight to San Francisco. I can't wait! The best decision I've made in my life.
  2. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    I went took a quick look at your other posts and noticed that you were on in April 2012 and now again, in November. How have the times in between been going? What has happened to push you towards suicide at this point?
  3. gxblu44

    gxblu44 Member

    Ive considered San Fran too. Just one step and -
    Been many years this is going on for no end here too. I can't say it gets better because it never did.
    They never think before they tell you "it gets better" or "it can get better". They never think before they tell you to "tough it out" because
    they are not willing to acknowledge the horrors you've already been through.
  4. burnface

    burnface Member

    Yeah people keep telling me those things. There have been times where I've faltered, but I've been able to somewhat hold it together. I just have no will or desire to keep going. I'm only human. No results for putting in the amount of effort I did everyday for 15 years is demoralizing. The good days are too far in-between. The memories of such days are overshadowed by all the bad.

    Nothing happened from April to now. I've been trying to keep occupied, but working doesn't help me keep my mind off things. Moving around/running away doesn't and didn't help at all. Trying to find someone new did work out. I brought all my baggage into the relationship when I tried so so hard not to. I've seen a therapist but it didn't help. She was nice, but retelling my story, whether to her, complete strangers, or friends doesn't help me. I've become numb to it. I've done just about everything I can to try and help myself. I've gotten the body I've always wanted. I workout quite a bit. I've changed my dietary habits. I work a decent job. From someone on the outside, it looks like I've *pardon my language* got my shit together when in reality I'm from from it.

    I really don't want to take medication again. I was always tired, I lacked motivation. I would feel a false sense of happiness. As kids say these days, I would be all "YOLO" and do things without thinking.

    I really think it's time for me to go. I do see anything else I can do. I guess to clarify, it's not even about having certain things or being in a certain place in life for me. I'm just tired of feeling so shitty *language again sorry* everyday even during the good times. Like anticipating when the bad will come back. I've had enough of it.
  5. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    I think you do have some good things going in life. I'm sorry that internally, you still feel things aren't settled. In my own experience, I would sometimes feel numb because allowing any feelings might mean I'd melt down because of the sadness and anger I was holding in. Even if you feel numb, talking about things with a skilled counsellor or therapist can help us untangle and settle our perceptions and feelings about the past...allowing us to move on to the positive things we want. Just an idea.

    From what you say - that you have nothing to show for 15 years of efforts - I gather that you had some idea of things you wanted from life or wanted to accomplish? What were those things? Any interest in striving for any of them now?

    I know the feeling of "gee, today is 'ok' but tomorrow might be the day it all goes wrong for me, so I can't even enjoy today." I wish you were in a better spot emotionally. What do you think makes you feel so crummy? What things have helped in the past?

    Sorry, I know I'm tossing out a lot of questions...just answer them if you feel like it, or don't if you're not up to it. Be safe. :hug:
  6. burnface

    burnface Member

    Some of the things I wanted in life:

    - not getting picked on in school or my neighborhood due to my skin color
    - a father that didn't miss out on 8 years of my life to due bs between my mother and him
    - a mother that treated me like her child rather than a mistake

    I could go on and on but they're all things that I cannot change now. Sure I want a house, a nice job, car, wife, and kids. Those are all things that are reasonable and attainable. I'm talented in music. I know I can be successful in that industry. But it won't bring me happiness or peace.

    Maybe I was conditioned to be miserable and expect misery. Maybe I was conditioned to always focus on the past. My mother never let me forget any mistake I made in the past. She instilled in me that life is cruel and unfair and to not expect to be happy. I'm not here to blame my mom. I guess really all the things that have happened to me within my past all make me feel crummy. I haven't really had any successful coping methods. I've tried drugs, booze, sex, counseling, etc...and those things haven't helped me. They may have given me relief for a brief moment, but they never helped me or led me down the road to recovery and forgiveness.
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