Im so angry. My self hatred is rolling into more than that. Like a dedicated self destructive pattern. Not something that I will do do now and a gain but a thought process of 'how can I destroy meself a little bit more' Im finally feeling my anger twards my friend and ex. Its definatly hatered at her right now and just a pissed off 'I want to fucking stab you' for him. That scares me a little. Its a little liberating.. But Its not me. Its now how I am. I was this way years ago before I went to war. Before I satisfied my own blood lust. I am broken. I cry for no reason all the time and I dont see any light. Any reason to look for some light. I know where I am headed. For all the pain this has caused it has sent me down a path. Im going to do something that matters. Something that means something. I just have to be strong for a little longer. This will be my lives work. It will be more than I could immagine myself ever doing.