Fml

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by lostbutnotfound, Oct 1, 2011.

  1. lostbutnotfound

    lostbutnotfound Well-Known Member

    Here we go again..

    Be prepared for another self indulgent, self absorbed, selfish rant from yours truly.

    I'm back there. Where I was. I felt myself slipping for a while, and now I can slip no more. I've reached rock bottom. I should've tried reaching out when I had the chance, I should have accepted my workers help, instead of clinging to denial and refusing to face it. And now it's too late. I can't fight. I really can't. I fuck everything up. Everything I touch turns to shit. I'm such a bad person, and to live with that knowledge.. no, I won't. Why should I stay around, when not only am struggling through every minute, but I hurt people around me to? There is nothing good about me, nothing pure, nothing that could even be remotely confused with something positive. I'm evil, and gross, and people deserve better. I'm not enough. How could someone like me ever be enough? Why did I let people try and fool me into believing I was? That was so stupid of me. The very few people who still care would be better off without me. That's not self pitying, it's the truth. I've lost so many people, I've hurt so many, I've had so much shit to go through.. and it's me. I realize that now. I'm like a jinx, a magnet for trouble, for pain, for.. this.

    I cut tonight. Badly. I haven't done it this badly in months, usually it's just enough to try and distract, but I knew I couldn't be distracted today, I wanted as much pain as I could bring myself, because I honestly know that is what I deserve. And it hurts.. but it's not enough. I deserve more. I just.. I don't know what to do.
     
  2. TheOncomingStorm

    TheOncomingStorm Well-Known Member

    Donan I love you. Please talk to me :wub: You are not a bad person, and you are not evil or gross. And its not us who deserve better its you. I shouldn't have fricken let you push me away..It was your way of coping. Just talk to me please. PM me, Text me, ask me to come in chat or come on msn, whatever..just talk to me <3
     
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    you are suffering sad in pain you are not anything else what you said You only deserve understanding and compassion hun please be kind to you okay.
     
  4. AlopexAngel

    AlopexAngel Chat Buddy

    Donna you're an amazing person and you deserve better. I know you think you're not but that's just you're illness talking and plenty of people on here will back me up. Try to reach out to your team for help, that's what they're there for. Hugs and love from me and my pets.
     
  5. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Lostbutnotfound

    You are none of the things you stated you think you are. Its understandable that you will find that hard to believe right now.

    Think back a couple of weeks when you reached out to me. For that, for you, I will always be extremely grateful.

    What you stated tonight wasn't a rant or selfish, it was you in pain trying to cope and understand yourself. To do that is courageous. Very.

    Am here if you need, please do what you must to stay safe.

    :console:
     
  6. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    :hug: :arms:
     
  7. lostbutnotfound

    lostbutnotfound Well-Known Member

    Hi all, thanks for your nice messages. :hug: to all.

    I wish I could say today is a better today, unfortunately it's not. I have no words to convey just how I'm feeling. I've cried for hours, and the tears are still coming. My leg hurts from last night, yet I know it's only a matter of minutes before I cut again. I want to. I need to inflict pain on myself, because if I wasn't a bad person, if I didn't deserve pain, why would my life be this way? I have my suicide method here, the one thing that can end this pain, end this hate, end all feeling.. and it's calling out to me. I'm running dangerously low on resources to resist the need to just be done with it. Most of the comments above have professed that I'm not all the things that I know I am, but that's because on the internet you can be whomever you choose. I can portray myself in a good light, and try and hide the bad. But the bad side wins out, makes itself known eventually. I know I can't live with the person that I am, I can't and I won't. You don't see it, but eventually you would. And to lose any more people, would be a far worse punishment than death. I know this sounds like ramblings, sounds like self pitying nonsense, but this is how I feel. Day in, day out. I've been in this abyss of pain before, I know what it's like, and I also know I'm not strong enough to come through the other end. Moreover, I don't want to come through the other end, because this is what I deserve.

    I'm sorry for my outpourings.. I know you all have many other important things to do than listen to my garbled thoughts and intentions. I value many people here, due to the way they've treated me, and the way I've seen them help others. I want to say thanks to them for everything, and I'm really sorry for wasting your time.
     
  8. musicalpsycho

    musicalpsycho Active Member

    Donna, you're not wasting our time, that's the depression talking. It's not your fault, I'm the same way but you need to realise that it's the entire world that's fucked up, not you. You're desperate and blaming yourself for everything that goes wrong might be your way of trying to justify taking that final action but you have to just step back and listen to what we (people who actually DO care) are telling you. Please, no matter how desperate things seem, just talk to one of us first and you'll see that actually these things aren't always your fault.
     
  9. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    You don't deserve to die hun..you said you've been through this abyss of pain before..
    You can come out the other side again..just hold on ok
    get yourself some help asap..you don't need to do it alone
    we do care about you *hug*
     
  10. AlopexAngel

    AlopexAngel Chat Buddy

    Agreed. And I have met you in person before and you are a nice person. Besides, you've been on the forum long enough that there's no way you could fake it to everyone the whole time.

    In other news, my husband pissed off Ella and in retaliation he attacked and brutalized a box of bandaids.
     
  11. Animosity

    Animosity Forum & Chat Buddy

    Oh Donna, *wraps you in her arms so tightly*
    You are an absolutely beautiful human being. I would NOT be here today without you. You have impacted my life and Lucy's life, I know for sure. There's so many others I'm sure. Whatever is bothering you, sweetie, just ignore it. I love you so much and do not want to see anything to happen to you. I've been worried about you and it shows its been with good cause. I know we're both not on MSN much anymore, but you know I'm just an email away and they are sent to my phone. I will always answer you, Donna, because I love you. My life would change drastically if I knew something happened to you. As for the cutting, I do hope you took care of it properly. I love you so much. Please email me, PM me, something. I need you to stay with me. <3 <3
     
  12. lostbutnotfound

    lostbutnotfound Well-Known Member

    Thanks again guys. I know you don't have to waste your time on me, so I'm grateful that you do.

    This is just gonna be a rant. I doubt anyone will read, or furthermore care, but right now none of that is the aim. The last few days have been hell for me.. ridiculously so. Yesterday I decided to do something drastic and definitely out of my character. I knew there was a real risk involved, but I did it anyway. And it helped. For a couple short hours it helped. But there's always going to be reality isnt there. Whether this is my new addiction that keeps me going for another day, or two days, or three days.. what about after? It's full of risks anyway, so why bother? As soon as I open my eyes, I'm right back here.. back in this place of.. existence. I'm so fucking angry. People lied to me. They told me things would get better. They told me I deserved good things.

    You know what I found out today? People lie.
     
  13. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Def not a waste of time and I'm very sorry you feel lied to. As for your anger, its not a very healthy emotion, but that's nothing you don't know. Whatever you did, you did because you are feeling so desperate during this hard time. I understand yet I worry about this incident, just for your own safety. Please stay safe, you are valued by many and that is not a lie.

    :console:
     
  14. Animosity

    Animosity Forum & Chat Buddy

    :hug:
    Donna, nothing you write is a waste of my time to read. I'm sorry that the last few days have been hell for you. I hope whatever you were doing wasn't something to hurt you. You do deserve good things and things will get better, it just may take a while. No one can know if they ever will until they live it out. People do lie, yes. And yes, it does hurt. But Donna, we won't lie to you. We love you. :hug: I love you.