I'm really.. really.. fucking pissed right now. Argh. As some people may know, the past few weeks have been some of the hardest of my life. I have no idea how I'm still here, but unfortunately.. I am. One of the things that piss me off most.. is liars. I fucking HATE them. I hate people who pretend that I matter. That I'm important. Stop with the bullshit, because you trip yourself up time and again, and when those moments happen, I can see just how fucking unworthy of your company, your friendship, your love you view me. This leads me to wonder.. why bother in the first place? Why spend so much time acting, when it's all going to end up as it always does anyway? Why?? I don't understand. And I would really like to. I mean.. I've ran through various possible reasons in my head.. maybe people find enjoyment out of it, maybe they don't understand that their words have impact, maybe they get a thrill out of 'helping' others, even if that means kicking them to the curb at a later time? But these are just guesses. I really would prefer to know the truth. I am merely a distraction. Just something to pass time by with. Like a new toy, which gets tossed to one side once the novelty wears off. Like the latest sought after trend, which is forgotten about once the next edition comes out. And.. I genuinely think.. if people prewarned me of this, it wouldn't be so bad. If someone said 'yes.. I'll talk to you for a while.. but there IS a high possibility that I will tire of you at some point.. and then probably forget you ever existed' I honestly think it would be easier to deal with. Because what you people don't understand, is that I actually invest myself emotionally in these fucking friendships. My heart is shattered, yet I still lay it out there, because I am stupid enough to believe your lies. And it doesn't matter how many times I tell myself.. 'I won't do this again'.. I do. Because I am so fucking desperate to believe that I could possibly be important, worthy or matter to someone, that I craaaaave it. I need it. What I don't need are people who will take me for a ride, use me for whatever they want, then push me to the fucking side. I've had that my whole life.. shit.. I even tell you this.. and you pretend to empathize, to care, to be shocked, when it comes apparent that you didn't think I deserved any better either. The saddest part.. the tip of this god forsaken iceberg, is that I warn people about me! I do! I tell people that I have many faults, I tell them I'm not the best choice of friend, god.. I'm not the best choice of bloody anything. Why do I do that? To try and fucking prevent THIS shit from happening. And people think it's an exaggeration and brush away my words.. either that or they know it is true, and just want some light hearted entertainment.. with my emotions. Whatever the reason, I seem to tick every box on everyones checklist for a short while. Then.. they see me. The novelty wears off, and they start seeing the real me. And they leave. They all fucking leave. If I.. like.. fuck. I listen to the people I care about. I do. I will spend hours, going over the same stuff that someone is struggling with, and it doesn't bother me because they are hurting and they need support. I will try my damndest to put my shit to one side, to try and support someone I love. But it's not enough, is it? It's never going to be enough. I've even asked people what is wrong with me. Not in a 'please.. pretty please, shower me with compliments which is what I so desperately seek' way.. but in a 'there is something fundamentally wrong with me, I need to know what it is, so I can change, and be a good person, so people will want to stay' way and no one is man enough to answer. If you won't tell me what the fuck is wrong.. how am I supposed to CHANGE??? Clearly the person I am is fucking hideous, defective, damaged, gross.. I accept that, but tell me, be honest, grow some balls and tell me what the hell is wrong with me. What do I need to do to make people stay? What parts, if not all, of me do I have to change to become worthy, likable.. just.. a good person? I am desperate. Please.. please.. tell me.