Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by lostbutnotfound, Nov 20, 2011.

  1. lostbutnotfound

    lostbutnotfound Well-Known Member

    I'm really.. really.. fucking pissed right now. Argh.

    As some people may know, the past few weeks have been some of the hardest of my life. I have no idea how I'm still here, but unfortunately.. I am.

    One of the things that piss me off most.. is liars. I fucking HATE them. I hate people who pretend that I matter. That I'm important. Stop with the bullshit, because you trip yourself up time and again, and when those moments happen, I can see just how fucking unworthy of your company, your friendship, your love you view me. This leads me to wonder.. why bother in the first place? Why spend so much time acting, when it's all going to end up as it always does anyway? Why?? I don't understand. And I would really like to. I mean.. I've ran through various possible reasons in my head.. maybe people find enjoyment out of it, maybe they don't understand that their words have impact, maybe they get a thrill out of 'helping' others, even if that means kicking them to the curb at a later time? But these are just guesses. I really would prefer to know the truth.

    I am merely a distraction. Just something to pass time by with. Like a new toy, which gets tossed to one side once the novelty wears off. Like the latest sought after trend, which is forgotten about once the next edition comes out. And.. I genuinely think.. if people prewarned me of this, it wouldn't be so bad. If someone said 'yes.. I'll talk to you for a while.. but there IS a high possibility that I will tire of you at some point.. and then probably forget you ever existed' I honestly think it would be easier to deal with. Because what you people don't understand, is that I actually invest myself emotionally in these fucking friendships. My heart is shattered, yet I still lay it out there, because I am stupid enough to believe your lies. And it doesn't matter how many times I tell myself.. 'I won't do this again'.. I do. Because I am so fucking desperate to believe that I could possibly be important, worthy or matter to someone, that I craaaaave it. I need it. What I don't need are people who will take me for a ride, use me for whatever they want, then push me to the fucking side. I've had that my whole life.. shit.. I even tell you this.. and you pretend to empathize, to care, to be shocked, when it comes apparent that you didn't think I deserved any better either.

    The saddest part.. the tip of this god forsaken iceberg, is that I warn people about me! I do! I tell people that I have many faults, I tell them I'm not the best choice of friend, god.. I'm not the best choice of bloody anything. Why do I do that? To try and fucking prevent THIS shit from happening. And people think it's an exaggeration and brush away my words.. either that or they know it is true, and just want some light hearted entertainment.. with my emotions. Whatever the reason, I seem to tick every box on everyones checklist for a short while. Then.. they see me. The novelty wears off, and they start seeing the real me. And they leave. They all fucking leave. If I.. like.. fuck. I listen to the people I care about. I do. I will spend hours, going over the same stuff that someone is struggling with, and it doesn't bother me because they are hurting and they need support. I will try my damndest to put my shit to one side, to try and support someone I love. But it's not enough, is it? It's never going to be enough.

    I've even asked people what is wrong with me. Not in a 'please.. pretty please, shower me with compliments which is what I so desperately seek' way.. but in a 'there is something fundamentally wrong with me, I need to know what it is, so I can change, and be a good person, so people will want to stay' way and no one is man enough to answer. If you won't tell me what the fuck is wrong.. how am I supposed to CHANGE??? Clearly the person I am is fucking hideous, defective, damaged, gross.. I accept that, but tell me, be honest, grow some balls and tell me what the hell is wrong with me. What do I need to do to make people stay? What parts, if not all, of me do I have to change to become worthy, likable.. just.. a good person? I am desperate. Please.. please.. tell me.
  2. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN SF Author

    I am hinging between wanting to drive down there and hug you and wanting to slap you. Maybe I should do both. Not everyone leaves
    *points at self.
    Yes I might well be crap a lot of the time and I might not have the faintest clue how to help you and I am so sorry for that. But I do believe you told me over a year ago that I'd ditch you. And I do believe that I am still here. *checks.
    Yep still here.
    There really isn't anything fundamentaly wrong with you. You are a kind, warm, caring, loving, funny, clever, slightly bonkers woman who would not be able to see her own self worth if it was smushed in her face by a giant polka dotted gerbil. If people treat you badly then that is THEIR defect, not yours.
    You do not deserve to be hurt or pushed aside - you quite clearly know this or you would not be so angry. It is a wrong assumption on your part that they do this because of you however. It is much more likely that they are contending with their own issues and are not able to see past that to treat you the way that you deserve to be treated. Heaven knows I have enough days when my own issues get in the way of how I would really like to treat you.
    I love you - you know this. (I hope you know this). I am sorry you are so angry. xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
  3. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    I don't need to grow a set to tell you what I've told you before. :hug: you shouldn't change who you are for anyone, they either accept you or they don't. That's the same for any of us. What I would say, and which I've told you previously, is to reach out for help and support from professionals who are there to do just that. And you push for you, stand up for you, take your meds and keep those around you who you know you can trust. Those who play with you and your emotions should be let go out of your life. They have their issues, I understand, but that does not excuse emotionally blackmailing behavior.
  4. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    You have been unlucky to have had users as friends. Good friends do not view you as a resource to be used, or a shiny new toy - those that do were never your friends.
    You are letting these people destroy your self esteem, it is easy to say that but how you can prevent this happening, I am not sure about that.
    We all have issues here but even in our dark times we must keep up communication, even if just to say 'I cannot chat now, I am down and I fear bringing you down too'.
    You are important, you are very important to your real friends.
  5. lostbutnotfound

    lostbutnotfound Well-Known Member

    windlepoons - thanks for your words, but I do think this is something that is wrong with me. It is 99.9% of people I meet. It happened with my family. It is neverending. If my own family did the same thing, every single member of it, and my 'friends' do so, it leads me to believe the fault lies solely at my door. There has to be something fundamentally wrong with me, for this to be happening, for it to have happened with family AND subsequently pretty much everyone else I've met. I just don't know what the main defective thing with me is.

    Lu, Mo.. :hug: thank you xxxx
  6. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    OK. Maybe it is you. But its not who you are, its how you have learned to interact with people, perhaps you send out the wrong signals, et cetera.

    Do you have anyone you can simply ask?

    I hope this does not upset you. I have Social Anxiety and my social skills are lacking, leading to my having no friends in real life these days. I have read about social skills and most people learn them from their parents and their peer group, not always a good thing.
  7. lostbutnotfound

    lostbutnotfound Well-Known Member

    I really do try to ask people, but I get told it's not me, it's the people. Which I could believe... but if you put the tens of people who have left me in one room, and me in other.. I think it shows there must be something wrong with me. I want someone to sit me down and say 'look.. this is whatis going on. this needs to change. you're doing this wrong' I just.. need to know. Because it's driving me fucking crazy lol. I feel so repulsive, defective, gross.. just.. like the worst person ever. And I don't know how to be a good person, because no one will tell me :sad:
  8. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    Repulsive, defective, gross - may I ask do you have a poor body image?
    I apologise if I am pushing.

    Have you tried reading things like 'How to Win Friends and Influence People'? It is a cliche because it is so helpful, to the right people.
  9. Avarice

    Avarice Well-Known Member

    I feel the exact same as all the above, especially lately. People come and go out of my life; leaving once they seem to really get to know me and realise how boring and annoying I am (at least I reckon that's what it is). I wish people could be honest with me and let me know where I'm going wrong so that I can fix it for future friendships/relationships.

    I'm sorry you're feeling this way right now, in any case. At the end of the day you can only ever really rely on yourself. I hope you start to cheer up soon. :hug:
  10. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    I am sorry.

    Again, I would suggest to you to get on your meds and take them faithfully. Next I would suggest to use your team assigned to you as much as possible with regards to obtaining good treatment - therapy, group therapy etc.

    This, imho, is what will help you. Its not easy, but I wish you would try. Give up the drink, give up putting yourself out there for people to hurt you, focus on positive things. You ARE worth it and are deserving.

    It is very easy for me to say all of this because I'm not in your shoes, but I know you a little bit by now. And because of this I know in my heart you have the strength to do this.
  11. lostbutnotfound

    lostbutnotfound Well-Known Member

    Windlepoons.. some people think I have a poor body image, personally I think I'm just realistic, and refuse to attempt to fool myself by thinking I'm anything other than downright disgusting. I haven't heard of that book.. I'm glad you found it helpful though :)

    Avarice.. People are just.. bastards at times aren't they. Though I can't really blame them, when I probably deserve it. I just wish I could have a personality change, seeming as this one isn't working. I also find it pretty hard to count on myself, as due to my mental health I usually make pretty piss poor decisions, and life choices.. so.. I don't have myself to fall back on lol. I'm sorry you can relate to this though.

    Mo.. Once again, thank you. Your advice is sound, and logical, but as you said.. it is much easier said than done. One would think I haven't tried before, seeming as I am feeling this way, but when you have tried time and again for over a decade.. how is one supposed to see the point, when previous attempts have failed?
  12. TheOncomingStorm

    TheOncomingStorm Well-Known Member

    I know that im so shit at knowing what to say sometimes (Right now being included!) But I do love you Donan and i'm always here when you what to talk. Lifes shit and thats a fact but we just have to try and make the best of it, and I know that you've been trying so hard and if i could make things better i bloody well would. But if you want, i'm here to help you carry the load because i loves my Donan with her claw and nobody would understand our little greeting on webcam.

    You are amazing and dont let anyone else tell you different because then i'll have to get them :{

    love you! Always here for you you know, whether you just want to vent, have someone listen to you or if you want some of my shitty advice, but really i always am here for you <3 :wub:
  13. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Yes - it does sound easy but we know it isn't. Anything worthwhile in this life is not easy, unfortunately.

    You said - One would think I haven't tried before, seeming as I am feeling this way, but when you have tried time and again for over a decade.. how is one supposed to see the point, when previous attempts have failed?

    I know you have tried. But it might only take one more super hard try for a breakthrough for you. Isn't it worth that risk? I think it is. We all hold out hope, even if its a tiny ember and not a roaring fire. We need to fan those embers so that they evolve into strong, warm, flowing flames.

    We all come up against brick walls, its finding a way to get over those walls (or through) that are our challenges.

    You are strong, you CAN do this, should you so choose. And I hope that you choose to cease the destructive behavior and push for help for you so that you can heal.