So sorry folks I should be on here to offer advice and comfort to others but guess that's not going to happen. I have tried so bloody hard to rid my life of this poisonous fog which creeps in and consume everything. Spent over 10 years in the Fire and Rescue Service and loved it until I found myself not being comfortable with dealing with Road Traffic accidents. Dealing with fatalities was fine as you have no emotional attachement to the person, however dealing with children and adults dying at the scene was particularly tough. So decided to leave and find a new line of work. Then things started to go wrong with a stress at work and losing parents being in a bad crash myself. One day at work I just fell apart completely both physically and mentally and as a result the company doctor refused me access to work. To cut a long story short it seems I have had Ptsd and reactive depression caused by a number of factors. Well did make a recovery I guess and promised myself I would never get like that again. Since then I've had 3 more major episodes which are so scary as come so very close every time in taking my own life.The illness or what ever it is distorts all normal reasoning and cognitive sequence. I've become a burden to those around me, lost many friends as I prefer isolation to company.Lost all hope dont enjoy anything. Yes i put on a real good fake smile when challenged but inside my soul in cold and empty. Basically I am just a body on auto pilot and devoid of feeling love compassion or anything really. My wife cannot cope anymore with me being a dead weight emotionally she has her own problems to deal with. She has decided she wants to leave with my children can't blame her. Feel so guilty and shamefully embarrassed about the whole thing. The pill just take a small edge off things the CBT worked a little but really I am not worth much now no even to my family. Quite honest I am a big burden to her my children and society. As I write this I am calm but resigned to the enevetable, don't feel sad or tearful just every empty and worthless.