Fog

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Aaron1F, Oct 15, 2016.

  1. Aaron1F

    Aaron1F Well-Known Member

    So sorry folks I should be on here to offer advice and comfort to others but guess that's not going to happen.
    I have tried so bloody hard to rid my life of this poisonous fog which creeps in and consume everything. Spent over 10 years in the Fire and Rescue Service and loved it until I found myself not being comfortable with dealing with Road Traffic accidents. Dealing with fatalities was fine as you have no emotional attachement to the person, however dealing with children and adults dying at the scene was particularly tough. So decided to leave and find a new line of work.
    Then things started to go wrong with a stress at work and losing parents being in a bad crash myself. One day at work I just fell apart completely both physically and mentally and as a result the company doctor refused me access to work. To cut a long story short it seems I have had Ptsd and reactive depression caused by a number of factors. Well did make a recovery I guess and promised myself I would never get like that again. Since then I've had 3 more major episodes which are so scary as come so very close every time in taking my own life.The illness or what ever it is distorts all normal reasoning and cognitive sequence. I've become a burden to those around me, lost many friends as I prefer isolation to company.Lost all hope dont enjoy anything. Yes i put on a real good fake smile when challenged but inside my soul in cold and empty. Basically I am just a body on auto pilot and devoid of feeling love compassion or anything really.
    My wife cannot cope anymore with me being a dead weight emotionally she has her own problems to deal with.
    She has decided she wants to leave with my children can't blame her.
    Feel so guilty and shamefully embarrassed about the whole thing.
    The pill just take a small edge off things the CBT worked a little but really I am not worth much now no even to my family. Quite honest I am a big burden to her my children and society. As I write this I am calm but resigned to the enevetable, don't feel sad or tearful just every empty and worthless.
     
  2. Striking

    Striking Well-Known Member

    Shame is a debilitating emotion. But feeling it is entirely human, and you are human. It sounds as if therapy is working but you are still in the early stages of recovery. Keep working at it. Learn to accept those emotions and allow yourself self compassion because you deserve it
     
  3. GildedFlowers

    GildedFlowers Lost Realist

    Tell me Aaron1F, your metaphor about a poisonous fog affecting your life. Are you referring to the experience of suffering from brain fog? With your cognition being hazy and perhaps your vision of the outside world appearing surreal and dreamlike?
     
  4. Aaron1F

    Aaron1F Well-Known Member

    The world appears to be speeding up but I am slowing down. Do feel very detached now from the real world
     
  5. Aaron1F

    Aaron1F Well-Known Member

    The world appears to be speeding up but I am slowing down. Do feel very detached from the real world. Part of that I guess is me isolating myself from others. The Poisonous Fog creeps in and distorts every thing in its path.
     
  6. GildedFlowers

    GildedFlowers Lost Realist

    Hmmm I'm going to repost some of my other messages to maybe see if I can help, give me one second.
     
  7. GildedFlowers

    GildedFlowers Lost Realist

    I know that you have an anxiety disorder, you need not specify if you do not desire. But you also experience emotional numbness, emotional detachment, and the feeling of apathy. Including experiences where your thoughts and feelings seem unreal or do not to belong to yourself, correct?
     
  8. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Hey Aaron, welcome to the forum. I kind of know what you're going through. I spent 20yrs night shift in an inner city ER and saw a lot of things I'd rather not have seen. I've never been diagnosed with PTSD just depression and anxiety, but in our line of work it's difficult to avoid it. There's a treatment being used by some therapists called EMDR and from what I've read it's very effective for PTSD. If you google EMDR and PTSD you'll find lots of information. In fact I have a friend on the site that's just starting it. Anyway, may be worth a try if nothing else is working. Glad you found us my friend, take care.
    Brian
     
  9. Aaron1F

    Aaron1F Well-Known Member

    Yes feel detached isolated and wish I could stop it all
     
  10. Aaron1F

    Aaron1F Well-Known Member

    Thank you for the advice I will certainly look it up.
    I can't blame the Fire and Rescue Service for my illness it's down to me guess I am just a weak minded person. I did give over 10 years service and did feel like I had served the community.
    Strange thing is even certain smells or food bring back horrible feelings.
    Can't believe I can't cope many years down the line. This illness has ruined my entire life
     
    Brian777 likes this.
  11. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Hey Aaron, I don't believe you're weak minded. PTSD takes its toll on even the strongest of us. Keep looking for a cure, even posting here helps get the feelings out.
     
  12. Aaron1F

    Aaron1F Well-Known Member

    I know mate but I am burdening others who can well do without my troubles. Thank you for reading my posts and the very helpful advise, I really appreciate it.
     
    Brian777 likes this.