For a smart person, I really suck at this.

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by Chocolate Heartache, Mar 9, 2012.

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  1. Chocolate Heartache

    Chocolate Heartache Active Member

    Apparently the third time isn't the charm, for me at least - I failed again.

    First time was 3 years ago - I was in a shared house, but we all had individual locks on our doors. I locked myself in and OD'd - my housemates thought I was at uni, my unimates thought I was at home. Alas, the girl who'd had my room the year before kept a copy of the key, let herself into my room to play with my pet rats thinking I'd be out for hours, and found me unconscious. Fail. One night in hospital on IVs, convinced the staff it was an impulsive thing and that I regretted it so they'd let me leave. No damage.

    Second time was New Years Day. Thinking I'd learnt from attempt 1 I took a staggered OD, and once it got dark, went and hid in a graveyard (the irony was lost on me at the time, I just thought no-one else would be there during the night - I used to know a homeless guy who slept in the cemetery because he got a lot of abuse sleeping in town, whereas he was always left alone in the graveyard.) Got found semi-conscious by some drunk kids taking the short cut home. Fail. 4 nights in hospital, then agreed to intensive home support and talked my way out of being sectioned. My liver seems to have taken it hard, but I had some liver impairment from a chronic illness anyway.

    Third time was two nights ago, I tried to hang myself. I thought I'd planned it well, dangled till I passed out, woke up on the floor 2 hours later - I got the noose knot perfect and messed up the knot securing me at the top. Fail. I've had psych nurses coming over every day, and they took me to be looked over the next day, because I sucked at trying to hide it (bloody eyes & wearing a scarf indoors because your neck is black isn't subtle, apparently,) did a flit from the general hospital. They caught up with me, aren't going to bother to try to section me, I think the thought of managing my chronic physical illness on a psych ward scares them! More intensive home support. Very painful throat, too soon to say whether there's any brain damage - my cognitive abilities seem OK, my body was wrecked to begin with.

    I'm considering just stopping all my medication and letting my immune system slowly devour my body. It'd be a really painful drawn-out way to go, and it carries the risk of attempted heroics once I pass the point of being competent to make decisions, but it'd probably make a better job of it than I am.
  2. ConfusedSilence

    ConfusedSilence Well-Known Member

    I don't know what to say to this, but I just need to say something. Why do you want to go? What's wrong?
  3. LostNerd

    LostNerd Well-Known Member

    I'm really sorry to hear that you feel the need to do this to yourself... We really are all here if you feel we could help you talk through it...

    I personally wouldn't advise dropping your meds. Do you not have a support network around you? It's really sad and if there is anything I can do, please don't hesitate to let me know.

    Hugs to you...

  4. Moat

    Moat Banned Member

    Try and do what I do when things do not work out as I had planned: look on the bright side of it.
    That might not be saying much or even comforting in any way, but for every mistake you make in life, you gain valuable knowledge in what NOT to do in the future.
    I will not comment about how things are in your life - I have no right to - but I will say that perhaps you should think about re-elvaluating your life and what has led you to this point in time. Instead of acting on an impulse or even a well thought out plan to top yourself, why not stand outside and (literally) yell to the World to go slag itself? Makes for more of an emotional release, which I would venture to say is what you need more than a physical one.

    Also, I might say that stopping your medication is probably not the best thing to do. Most people do not consider it while they are going through hard times, but the medication could very well be the one thing that is keeping you from further spiralling downward... and believe me if you think you have hit rock bottom, you really do not want to see what is around you without your medication!

    24 hours a day, if you ever need me. Just shout ^^
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