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For all suicidal people..because i want to help you

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by tanya186, Oct 20, 2008.

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  1. tanya186

    tanya186 Member

    hi my name is tanya im 27 years old,with two sons age 3 and 6.
    6 months ago april 9th ,was the worst and most horrific day of my life ,and something i will never get over or truly cope with.
    I went out at 1230 took my two sons with me,we were simply going to a supermarket to get some food and would be out around 2 hours at the very most.
    As left that day my fiance was very quiet,he had always had issues,but i never knew to what extent.
    I walked out the door,looked at my fiance in his eyes,and said see you later,smiled and closed the doorthis was the last times out eyes ever met.
    At around 1 30pm i came home walked throught the front door,with my children,chatting normally then i noticed the curtains in my living room were closed...it was early afternoon,i thought maybe my fiance was having a nap on the sofa,as i walked into the living room i looked to my left,and there was my finace hanging <mod edit: bunny - methods>
    I can honestly say,the feeling was un explainable,i screamed so loud,i panicked i tugged at his neck it was so tight,but more than anything my fiance's tongue was hanging out his mouth,it was purple,i ran to my neighbours the police and abmulance were called,and he was still alive,and rushed away,this gave me hope,i really believed he would be ok,but just as i got to the hospital ,the policeman turned to me and told me my fiance had died.
    My heart has been totally broken,my soul destroyed,i feel guilt,anger,depression,anxiety,im ill all the time,i close my eyes and see my gorgeous fiance in his coffin,cold ...dead.
    This may seem graphic,but really want people to know just what suicide does to the people left behind.
    I miss my fiance everyday i sit and sob,i look around i imagine him there,i look at the dinner table hes gone,he doesnt cuddle me at night,he doesnt smile at me when he gets in from work,my children have no dad ,i lost the love of my life..i was with him since i was 17.
    Please ,i know lifes hard,i know more than many,as my dada also hung himself wen i was 20,but your not just killing yourself....he killed me too...inside.
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 20, 2008
  2. Tanya I am so sorry :hug:
    Sounds you like you had a real bad time that words can not explain.
    Thank you for sharing your story. Some people don't have people to stay for or anyone to feel sad when they go. Your fiance did.
    If you need to talk hun, PM me or add me on Msn, I really am sorry.
    Take care.
  3. bleach

    bleach Well-Known Member

    Wow, that is a heartbreaking story. :( I'm very sorry for your loss. I hope things get better for you and your children as well. Remember it is not your fault that your fiance killed himself, even if you feel like you may be, because everyone is responsible for their own life. Take care of yourself. Good luck.
  4. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Tanya...I am so sorry this happened to you...please know you are not to blame...I cannot imagine the heartbreak you must be feeling...J
  5. nagisa

    nagisa Staff Alumni

    I'm so sorry you lost these people in your life. :( I really hope things get better for you. :hug:
  6. fromthatshow

    fromthatshow Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    My goodness I am so sorry :sadhug:
  7. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Tanya, I'm so sorry. I have tears and hugs, but no words. :hug:
  8. aki

    aki Well-Known Member

    oh gosh, I'm sorry :sad: that really got me. thanks for posting your story, I do worry about my family.
  9. tanya186

    tanya186 Member

    thank you all,i can totally see where people come from ,when they feel suicidal,and beacuse i found my fiance im at more risk of commiting suicide than anyone,but deep down i know i couldnt put anyone through the hurt,and i couldnt leave my little boys ,they have lost their daddy already.x
  10. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    So glad you are strong...but please know we are here for you...if there is anytime you need support, I am sure there are many ppl here willing to give it...big hugs, J
  11. Perhaps this could be moved to LOVED & LOST.

    {{Tanya, my heart goes out to you - it truly does}} But be prepared for "rebuttal" in defense of ending unfathomable pain by a suicidal person. Some of these rebuttals may not seem kind. There IS hope in many cases, but there are some things (perhaps even more so) that we simply cannot fix.

    Please just wish your fiancé peace. Take the time over the next while to walk a mile in their shoes - it will be unfamilair and uncomfortable territory to be sure. We can never fathom what another soul has endured deep within themselves. We like to think we can and are able to do so. In the end, all we can do is grant them our compassion.

    I'm SO sorry for your loss... :sad:
  12. A_pixie

    A_pixie Well-Known Member

    Oh my God...

    I can't tell you how much this has affected me.

    I'm really sorry this happened to you and your children are you safe now? Do you have family?
  13. tanya186

    tanya186 Member

    Hi thanks for evryones kind replies,yes i have a great mum and stepdad,who have been with me every step of the way,also i have 4 very good friends who all live within walking distance,im very lucky ,i have alot of people to support me,if i didnt have these people then i dont think i would be here now.
    Its a very strange feeling to loose someone by suicide,and as my fiance never left a note,im forever blaming myself,and asking why...and the hardest part is that i will never know.I miss him every minute of the day,and part of me has died with him.
    The most important thing is my two gorgeous little boys seem fine,and my youngest is the image of his daddy,and sometimes i look at him,and its like my fiance is looking back,he loved his boys so much...and i need to be strong,and make my fiance proud,because i believe one day i will meet him again...but not yet .x
  14. Anju

    Anju Well-Known Member

    That's really heartbreaking :sad: you must be a very strong person to have gotten through both these events in your life...I wish you all the best :sadhug: stay strong and take care.
  15. shazzer

    shazzer Well-Known Member

    Tanya I am so sorry for your loss. Try not to blame yourself for what happened it wasn't your fault and there was nothing you could have done to prevent it. You always ask why when someone dies but more so I imagine with suicide as you can never know the exact reasons why he chose to end his life. My heart breaks for you and your two little boys. Please keep talking on here there are many people who will listen to you :hug:
  16. Danny Crooks

    Danny Crooks Well-Known Member

    Tanya, i imagine this is one of the most traumatkc things to happen in most peoples lives. The loss of a loved one can be such a heart-wrenching emotion, and I hope you find the inner strength to overcome what you have gone through. Peace & God Bless

  17. PeaceBlueFire

    PeaceBlueFire Well-Known Member

    Hi Tanya,

    I'm really sorry you had to experience the loss of your dad and fiancée this way. No one should have to become a suicide survivor...no one should have to live with the intense pain that never goes away when a loved one decides it is their time to go.

    I can't imagine what you are feeling right now...although I am getting a glimpse. Two weeks ago yesterday I lost a close friend to suicide...he left a note but notes never actually explain anything, only bring more questions. I had only known him for a little over two years but felt a strong connection to him from the beginning. He committed suicide just off of the college campus where I am currently attending. It has shocked and shaking the whole school since nothing like this has happened here before. He was only 20.

    It's great that you have an excellent support system set up to help you when you need it. Please continue to use your support system, even when it feels like you are taking up so much of their time that it seems burdensome. I am proud of you for accepting their offers of help.

    Hang in there.
    Peace :)
  18. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Hi Tanya. I'm so sorry for the loss of your fiance to suicide. He was the love of your life and you're probably wondering why on earth he would kill himself? This question is difficult to answer, because he is no longer here and he cannot tell you himself. Did you notice a change in his behaviour some time before he hanged himself? Sometimes the signs of depression are hard to see, since people like to seem like things are ok, instead of reaching out for help.

    Don't blame yourself though. It was his choice to end his life, and I guess you have to respect that. He should have reached out to you and told you how he was feeling instead of ending his life like that. I really feel sorry for your two sons, who have to grow up without the guidance of their father. But thank God that you're a strong person and will help them grow up into fine young men. Please don't give up hope. :hug:
  19. famous.last.words

    famous.last.words Forum Buddy

    My heart goes out to you and your boys.
    Im so sorry for your loss
  20. Ah, blessed with a support system inspite of the bleak darkness. I'm glad for you in that regard. Do lean on them. It's a rare thing to find others who will actually walk through the shadows with you - and suicide is unfortunately still such a taboo subject. But Hon, we live in an age where it appears that there must be a solution to all our afflictions. In my opinion, Depression and Despair are afflictions of the soul, and not merely "mental" - hence, even harder to treat. Do NOT blame yourself. Look into the subject, yes - for there's much to learn - but over and above all else, wish your fiance peace - even though he has left a gaping hole in your lives. He must have been tortured in coming to such a decision. Grant him the acceptance of his having come to that place...where his pain (even though you could not fathom it) surpassed his ability to cope.

    I've had 2 suicides in my own immediate family (not to mention relatives). It is one of if not THE hardest things in life to acknowledge the pain of another, and accept that sometimes, there is very little to be done. But sincerely, what I've found it comes down to is 'honouring' their quintessentially personal and most profoundly intimate decisions.

    I do NOT wish this to sound defeatist - but to move towards an acceptance of all aspects and matters when it comes to living and dying. And again, I'm so sorry for your loss...Keep sharing your journey...

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