For Awhile I was OK... But...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by fixmein45, Nov 25, 2007.

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  1. fixmein45

    fixmein45 Member

    After surviving a four-wheeler accident back in the summer or around it... an accident that probably could've killed me considering how fast as I was going... I had started to see a new outlook on life. For awhile I wasn't thinking about suicide anymore.

    But then I met a girl who I thought was going to make my life not so lonely anymore. I started to like her but then her ex boyfriend threatened to fight me and he lied to me telling me she said to do it because she wants me to go away. I believed him (for some reason) and went nuts, this got me in a fight with my dad. I was dealing with this overbearing feeling of mistrust and hate... feeling betrayed and unwanted... so I let out a large scream to make myself feel better. My dad heard it and got pissed I yelled and started pushing me. (we've fought before, he was drunk in 2004 and beat me up)... and I got mad and started shouting things like "Yeah, that's what you wanna do isn't it... just beat me up again." ... and of course I wasn't going to let him, so I fought back this time.

    So my dad kicked me in the balls and I punched him and he put a lot of bruises on my neck and face. The next day that girl got back with her OTHER ex-boyfriend. Not the one who threatened me. I was mad at her but didn't know at the time she never told the other guy to do anything. So she got back with her other ex-bf because she was mad at me b/c i was mad at her. Make sense?

    Well, that pushed me pretty far. But I wasn't suicidal yet again. I soldiered on. Then she started wanting to go out to eat with me and hang out at my hosue even though she was with another guy. I started having feelings for her and told her how I feel. She told me she had the same feelings. The guy she's with was planning on cheating on her but got caught and that's why she broke up with him last time. I asked her why she's with him then and not me if she likes me so much. She said, he was her first love/kiss/everything and she can't let him go. So we're friends but I'm dying to be with her.

    Every day I see her and can't do anything about it... and have to listen to crap she's doing with her bf. It just tortures me. But aside from that, I've tried my hardest to pass classes (that I've already failed once) at college. I'm one test away from either passing or failing one class. And the other I'm pretty close to making a C in, and if I do not make a B the class doesn't count for my major.

    I can't keep re-taking these classes. I can't keep being lonely. I'm 23 now and I have less than $400 to my name and I'm at a minimum wage job. My friends are all getting married and moving away and this is leaving me here at home with my parents... alone and lonely.

    And it hurts even more after meeting this girl who feels more right for me then any girl I've met in my life to this point, but I can't be with her. So the other day I took out my dad's pistol and I put it to my head and looked in the mirror. I cried. I couldn't get myself to pull the trigger. I thought about how awful it would be to find me there. But I wanted to. But I didn't want to. But I couldn't.

    If I do it, there's no chance for happiness. But I've been lonely for more than 5 years and I'm tired of it. I have been going to college for 4 years and I still am not close to graduating. I have no friends left. What am I supposed to do. I don't think I have the strength anymore. It feels like the whole world just wants to watch me fail and suffer until I'm no more.

    And if that's the case then I shall be no more. I feel like no one cares... really, TRULY. I do realize that they care about 0.5 % ... and if I was dead, it would make them realize just how much theyre missing.

    But what difference would it really make? If I'm gone... it would affect nothing. Not my job, not my friends... I have no lover so that wouldn't matter. My parents would just save a lot of money from having to pay for my school and all that other crap I need that I should be able to pay for myself by now.

    I just think it's time to call it quits. I tried... and nobody loved me. And I didn't get anywhere. I'm right where I was 5 years ago. Unsuccessful and alone. Even more alone. No friends anymore. I wear a smile. But nobody knows how lonely I feel.

    Tell me it's not that bad. But my brain tells me it is. Over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over.

    And I can't help it. I just want all this pain to end and go away. Everything. Just go away. Why did I survive that accident? So I could be teased by this girl and get beat up by my dad and fail a course in my college? Is that the great things I had to live for?

    .. pitiful.
  2. riz

    riz Senior Member

    I'm really sorry hun. I know how hard it can be when everything negative gets thrown your way. I'm completely lost financially and I'm 20 years old and never have known what love feels like. I'm dateless, hopeless, and I don't think I'll make it out of college, just like the rest of my family.

    I hope that doesn't depress you more...all I know is that those of us that can survive the most shit will end up the happiest in the end. We know how to appreciate the small things and we'll never over look a good opportunity when it finally comes our way.

    Don't let the crappy things rule your life. Make your own future. I can tell just by the way you can write your story that you're a very strong person, just trapped in a really awful situation.

    And about that girl. I know that it must be really hard for you to stand by her even though you care for her so much. Just know that even though you may not be getting what you want, you're there for her and she depends on you. If you leave, imagine what it'll do to her.

    Please stay safe and take care of yourself. You can do it.

    With love, :lips:
  3. fixmein45

    fixmein45 Member

    Thanks for replying Riz. Although your the only one who did. I know it's dumb for something like that to bother me. But maybe you guys don't really understand how "lonely" I get. I have nobody really to talk to and my mind tortures me... something like this getting only one reply in five days makes me feel like nobody cares.

    Yeah I know that that's lame and all but I'm just telling you guys the truth. I also figure most people were too lazy to read through my long post.

    I just feel like a worthless human being. I just want to kill myself to put an end to everything. So I don't have to worry about my future or feeling hurt anymore by the people or around me. It's like, everyone around me is happy and I recognize it and want it but realize that "I" cannot be happy myself... so I want to just die.

    And being there for that girl isn't really something I like doing. I don't think I can keep it up. I like her, but I just don't like feeling so lonely. It's lke, she has me and all these friends and a bf, but all I have is her (sort of) and nobody else. It makes me feel horrible.
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