How to medicate your cat
How To Medicate Your Cat – In Fourteen Easy Steps
1) Pick up cat and talk to in usual soothing tones. Cradle cat in crook of left arm like a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth. Gently apply pressure to cheeks, whilst holding pill in left hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill in. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2) Retrieve cat from behind sofa; pill from floor. Cradling cat in left arm as before, repeat step 1.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom; throw soggy pill away.
Get new pill; cradle cat in left arm whilst talking reassuringly. Force jaws open, push pill to back of mouth with index finger. Hold mouth shut to count of twenty.
4) Retrieve cat from top of wardrobe; pill from floor.
5) Repeat step 1. But this time, whilst holding cat firmly in bottle feeding position, sit on edge of chair; fold your torso over cat. Bring right hand over elbow, open cat’s mouth by lifting its upper jaw; pop pill in quickly.
6) Leave cat hanging on curtains and pill in your hair. Call partner from garden; you need help!!!
7) Retrieve cat. Resist urge to get new cat, get new pill instead. Kneel on floor, cat wedged firmly between knees. Ignore growls emitted by cat – Birman cats never mean it! At least, that’s what the Birman’s cat magazine seems to think.
8) Get partner to hold cat’s head firmly with one hand. Force wooden ruler into cat’s mouth; let pill slide down ruler. Rub cat’s throat vigorously.
9) Sweep up shattered figurines from hearth; set to one side for mending later. Pull yourself together now! Who’s boss here, anyway?
10) Retrieve cat; get another pill. Taking ‘Who’s boss here?’ stance, open cat’s mouth. Oops! This isn’t working either, is it?
11) Return to position 1. Rotate left hand to cat’s head; press its mouth at the jaw hinges, as if opening petals of snapdragon. Drop pill in gently. Voila, it’s done!
12) Vacuum up loose fur: cat’s; bandage wounds: yours.
13) Relax. Cat walks past, looks at you, opens its mouth, spits out pill; disappears through cat-flap.
14) Make appointment for little darling with that nice vet, who does this kind of thing all the time.
From ‘The Birman Cat Club Magazine’
Edited by Aquarius
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