For everyone i never said goodbye too

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by JustFirefly, Oct 24, 2011.

  1. JustFirefly

    JustFirefly Well-Known Member

    - I never went to a single funeral for anyone. I never attended or prayed for these people.. Close or not.. I let them go... And i tried to forget they ever existed. I cant do that anymore... I keep seeing them over and over.. And i just want to cry.
    These people deserved better from me.. Better as a friend.. Better then anything...
    Why doe everything always result in death it seems?

    Im sorry.... I should have been stronger...


    Ian (Schoolmate / close friend ) - Died at 13 - Suicide -
    I'm sorry that i never made it to any of your plays. Im sorry that i never really respected you as a friend. Looking back i was a greedy person. I'm very sorry that you had no one to go to. I understand so completely what you went through with those bullies. It was bad. When you died.. I knew exactly what pushed you toward it. Your moms death and the inability to reach out to anyone because of the bullies never letting up. Feeling so alone. - I hope you found what you were looking for... Its been 10 years now...
    I miss you and i regret not being a better friend

    Kayla (My cousin / babysitter ) - Died at 23 - Car wreck.
    Im so sorry. You were always the favorite in my family. You were alwasy the one i related the most to growing up. You always gave me hope. You were the only one that understood what i was going through with the abuse growing up. Youd pick me up when id call you and tell you things were bad. You took care of me... You were my mother when mine was doing cocaine and drinking her life away. You took me shopping.. You loved me... I honestly think you are the only person in this world who has ever truly loved me...

    Theres not a day i dont wish that car took my life instead kayla. Not a damn day... You would have done something great.. You came out of depression and a neglectful family and you did your best to help me, a 14 year old boy, find hope... Its been 8 years... I never said goodbye... -hugs- I miss you... Please tell me your okay... Its funny... But the kayla in chat reminds me of you everyday. A younger version of you...
    But i guess thats just be being dumb huh..... Im so glad you found your happiness before you died... I only hope one day i can do the same since all you wanted in the world was to make me happy.... You put your whole damn world around me...
    <3 Goodbye... And im... So sorry i never said it sooner

    Alexander (schoolmate / friend) - 14...
    Another young death. You also died due to abuse. I never knew if your death was suicide or not. You talked it. You talked it... We often joked about how we would off ourselves (dark for freshmen in highs school?)
    Your parents never treated you right. You never deserved to go through your pain. You always hoped, always hoped id get out of my situation... The same you were in.
    You were my twin. We were the Alexs. Same age. Same problems... We connected... My first guy friend too~ The first guy that didnt call me gay or a girl just because i was a very female like guy.
    Please... I hope your happy now... I hope you have something and i hope your parents pay. From what i hear they took your sister away from them.. I hope she found agood home <3 Anyplace was better then what i saw.. <3 I only wish they came sooner so that you could have maybe found a home other then heaven <3 Its been 8 long years.. I miss you... You computer geek...

    Katey, Billy, Erin, Steve, Joe - (Bullies / Schoolmates) Died around the age of 16-18 depending on the person. - Drinking accident / drug overdose / Car accident
    You guys....

    Im so sorry.
    You were the 5 bullies that pushed me and my friend into suicidal thoughts. You were the guys that pushed every fiber... Every thing in my heart to hate you all. Beating me relentlessly since elementary school. Teasing me and hurting me...

    I wished that you would all die....
    And it happened years later.

    Im so sorry. And the regret i have in my ehart about that... Hurts more then anything. It hurts.. I may of hated you then for all the pain you caused so many people. For the tears youve created throughout all of us.. I really do you hate you for those...
    But i hate myself even more for wishing that.
    Never wish someone to die.. They might... No matter what wrongs they have done to you. Im sorry.. Im so sorry.... I wish i could fix what ive done. .... It should have been me.

    Kelly - (Joes Sister) 18, suicide.
    You committed suicide after your brother, Joe (bully), passed away. You killed yourself in your depression. I never realized how much close you were to him. I never knew that my wish to have them dead would kill you too...
    Im sorry...

    Allison - ( Church Youth Leader ) - 36 - Suicide after a rape attack.
    - Last year...
    You were the person who kept me close to god after my sister passed away... You never had a lover... You always believed god would send you the right guy. Instead the Devil stole your soul and you were forced into a hell. It haunted you for years... It took you.. Im sorry...
    Im sorry i couldnt have been easier to raise spiritually.. I wish....
    I...
    I dont quite have words for it.......... Im sorry.....
    Im so sorry..... thats all i can think over and over...
    Im sorry... I know i could have done something to help.. SOmehow.. I may have been just a kid.. I may have been 21... But i could have helped... You kept me close to you for so long.

    You... You knew you were the last person i was close to. The last person i considered family.
    Now im stuck in this hell hole alone.
    ....
    Please? Couldnt you have taken me with you. You knew... You knew about kaitlyn.. You knew all that i went through.. You.. You were the last one i fully trusted..

    You were the real reason for joining this site, when you passed away... it took me a few months after you did. I love you more then anything.. I wish you could have told me it was okay. You always.. Supported me...


    The worst thing is..
    I know youd cry if you were to see me now...
    I know youd feel like this is your fault..
    I know... Youd think all these horrible things..

    Im so sorry.
    Please forgive me... Please... I just wish i could hold you once more... I just wish i could fix everything... Im so sorry..


    I Just wish i could fix everyone.. and fix all the issues in the world... But how can i fix anyone if im broken?...
    All these people deserved better from me..
    Ive wronged them... Im sorry...
     
  2. joonior

    joonior Active Member

    I'm so sorry you had to go through all this. Please don't beat yourself up because, even if you weren't able to be there for their funeral, you've been in their hearts, and they in yours. You seem like a very caring person, and I hope you don't blame yourself! Please know that if you need to talk I'll listen whenever I'm on.

    Take care.
     
  3. JustFirefly

    JustFirefly Well-Known Member

    I feel bad because when they died i pushed htem OUT of my heart... And with everything going on.. And everything, my friend told me i should face it.. Cause death is something thats been bothering me..

    Its.. Really sad... I miss them all.. But i wont admit they are gone... I am still in denial sometimes. after all these years
     
  4. Tea_at_Four

    Tea_at_Four Staff Alumni

    M'dear, you are honoring all these people in your heart... Your loved ones, your friends, and your un-friends. Sometimes you have to skip funerals, but you have recognized their importance in your life.
     
  5. Chris516

    Chris516 Member

    What is even sadder than their suicides(almost), is that, if child retaliates(not including murder) against the people bullying them, they get in trouble for being a victim.

    In 6th Grade I was teased mercilessly by one girl in my homeroom. So one day at lunch, after enduring countless times where she teased me, I punched her in the nose after she wouldn't shut up.

    Regardless of which reaction, bullying is still accepted.
     
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    :hug: is all I can say. I'm sorry you've been through so much x
     
  7. xXWhateverItTakesXx

    xXWhateverItTakesXx Forum Buddy

    I'm sorry hun. Sounds like you have been through so much :(

    :hug: xx