Living has been the hardest thing I have ever had to do. It will always be The hardest thing I have to do. I have a lifetime ahead of me To struggle with the part of me That runs in direct opposition To all that I should want Or need to exist. Whatever it is in me That drives me to self-destruction To this state of constant Revolving Internal immolation Will be the greatest enemy I ever face. This child-creature This lurking being Bloated with fear And self-loathing Who skulks Unexpected Up from deep within my familiar thoughts And becomes Secondary to my nature. Just as lulling that wretched being Into sleep from moment to moment Becomes second nature. I want few things in my life. I crave a rest from this A moment of peace To lay down my arms. I dream of a time in which I can open my arms Uncross them from their defensive resting place Across my chest And take someone into them Like the world opening up into day. It would be lovely To love without fear And to live without thought Even if was only for a moment. I would like to know what it was like. To live Honestly and truly Fully live For an instant. Even if it killed me.